The Camera Lies

- by Beanz

Humans avert your eyes. The camera lies. I did not roll in fox poo. I do not need a bath. I repeat I do not... what's that sponge? What's that bucket? It's an optical illusion I tell you!

I AM CLEAN!!

Smell how clean I am!

Cut to the Quick

- by Beanz

And no, I am not talking about me being offended by people pointing out my grey silvery bits on my chest and chin.

I mean that TJam was clipping my claws and she actually did cut my quick. I made sure there was plenty of blood so she would feel suitably ashamed. It hurt a bit at the time, but I was well enough to eat a chew and let her clip my other claws.

Here I am, milking my audience. Chips tried to get in on the act with her, "I'm so cute, look at me lifting my injured paw" routine.
But surely no one is going to fall for that.

Quid Pro Quo

- by TJam

Well, I had happily booked a new experience. Outdoor theatre to wish Mum a happy birthday and thank her for keeping my house and 3 animals in tact during my weekend away.

And so we togged up and got a blanket to sit on and a picnic and set off for the walled garden for "chuckles and chills" of the Hound of the Baskerville...

When we arrived at the carpark, there were only 3 other cars there, even though there were only 10 minutes to curtain.

So before we paid £1.50 for parking I checked the ticket.

Why would I have bought 2 tickets for the Sunday evening when I didn't know what time I would return home from a weekend away? And why, in my mind, had I bought tickets for the Monday evening?

No matter. I had bought tickets for the day before, yet we were standing there, the day after, picnic and cushions in hand...

So, Mum nearly killed my dog, and I nearly gave her a birthday present but didn't. It turned out the surprise present was as much as a surprise to me as it was to her. Are we equal?

Or am I just a fool?

Good News or Bad News?

- by TJam

When you have been away for the weekend, it is quite a jolt to hear your (lovely and very appreciated) house and animal sitter say, "Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?"

In true, optomistic style, I opted for the bad news first.

But first you need to know Rules of the House
1. You shall close the stairgate when the dogs are unattended (see here)
2. You shall not leave food items without a cupboard, especially not dark chocolate, which I think we have mentioned, is poisonous to dogs.

"Well," said my lovely housesitter, who we shall call "Mum" for the purpose of this story. I nipped up the shops and I forgot to close the stairgate. Um. I had some dark chocolate in my bedroom.

So what was the good news?

Well, this time, it was only two and a half times a fatal dose, which is really small fry compared with last time. and it was caught in good time and not 6 hours later.

"Mum" had recognised the MO and Beanz and Carlsberg were immediately dismissed as suspects. Not an item of clothing was creased, and yet a bar of chocolate had disappeared from inside its "good as new" wrapper from the bottom of a suitcase. There was only one guilty party in the running.

Luckily, Nero's pal drove a transportless "mum" and Chips to PetMedics, the after hours vet where our vet-phobic canine friend spent an hour in the surgery, throwing up. Ah, the miracles of modern medicine. When they checked in, the vet asked, "Does a cat called Carlsberg live at that residence?"

The shame.

Chips came home none the worse for wear. If a little hungrier.

And so, there is lots of good news. Chips has survived her 2nd bout of chocolate poisoning. I will be updating my info-sheet for future dog-sitters.

And no one will ever leave food not in a cupboard again.

PS I had a good weekend away, if you were wondering. All the better for coming home to the 3 living pets I left on Friday ;)

PPS My first question was, "Did you get a photo?" but Mum is not a professional blogger, and put Chips's health as her first priority.

My Impression of...

- by Carlsberg.

Can you guess who it is yet?

Yes, Bob Carolgees and Spit the dog.

KWWWWIIIIIPPPPP TTTTAAAHHH

Pot of Gold

- by Chips

I was almost the gold at the end of the rainbow.

Just not quite.

Great Start

-by TJam

With a start to the day like this, things can only get better...

Respect - Trainers - Earth

Dear Carlsberg

Whilst searching for the source of a cat-wee smell (which turned out to be my trainers) I found some feline cat paw shaped marks in Steven Patrick's earth and some distinct "covering up of wee" mounds. As you know, Steven Patrick is a 19 year old Cheese Plant and winner of Zoe Ball's Breakfast Show Honours List "Listener of the Year" award 1999. I think that using his pot as a litter tray is a bit disrespectful, even if it doesn't smell.

Please could you use the £4.49/10 litre ethically sourced wood pellets in your tray, or better still... GO OUTSIDE. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE CATFLAP AND CATPROOF GARDEN IS FOR?!!? I used up a Christmas and birthday present for the catproofing, so I don't think a bit of appreciation is too much to ask for. Do you?

Love from TJam.

PS I am sorry I blamed you for the trainers. I didn't know trainers could smell like cat wee.

Unless....

You haven't.

Have you?

What's a Mini Trampoline For?

by Beanz

I have discovered a better use for a mini trampoline: Very comfy.

Sunny Days

- by Beanz

Yes, we have actually had a couple of sunny days. Last week it was. During our walk, Chips and I had a little sit down in the long grass.

And miraculously, TJam managed to take a half decent picture of my where I don't look completely dopey.

Quiet weekend

- by Beanz

This weekend we went to the park with Bamgee. I found a lovely blue plastic bottle for a game.

We ignored the extreme frisbee players in the background and I managed to stay away from the picnickers. Bamgee plays a mean game of blue plastic bottle tug.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!

- by Carlsberg

It's all been going on around here. As you know, I have been incarcerated in the house for the last 7 months. For my own safety apparently.

So, TJam's dad came up and put some spectacular netting around our fence to keep me in and my mortal enemies out. It took him 2 weeks!

And here we have it, my first minute of freedom:When TJam home from work, she found me basking in the waste honeysuckle, waiting to go in the green bin.
And finally a short film to express my joy:

Fairies are Real

- by Chips

We have the proof!

A couple of weeks ago we went to the beach. First of all, Beanz went running into what she thought was some water. It was some thick, muddy sand type stuff. She wasn't impressed.

Then, just as we were coming home, we found evidence of fairies. Look! They have left their little high-heeled footprints in the sand.

Going cheap

This weekend we have mostly been doing this in the glorious sun:
In other news, we have been a bit lax posting recently. Firstly TJam's parents came to stay and then TJam hurt her eye for a bit (it is fine, she was just milking it) and then she just got lazy with the uploading photos thing. We've nipped her into action now though.

Anyway, at a school the other day, TJam was walking down this walkway, and someone said, "Look up!" And when she looked closely, TJam saw these two chicks who had been born in the hanging basket. We could not say it is a quiet part of the school, but the chicks did very well and have since, quite literally, flown the nest.

Ain't nature great?!

Emergency Pants

- by TJam

emergency pants n spare pair of old and tatty pants that are purposely kept at the back of the cupboard in case you run out of good pants.

I had to dig into the back of the cupboard the other day. My mum had put my washing away for me (thank you Mum!) but unbeknownst to me had made use of the airing cupboard* so I thought I didn't have any good pants left.

Why don't we put a spare pair of good pants in the back of the cupboard. The kind that we don't mind getting run over in, in case the hospital staff see and judge us by our pants while they're fighting to save our life.

* airing cupboard n the place where the hot water tank is where people who can be bothered put clothes in between the time they spend on the washing line and going into the cupboard.
TJam: (shouted) "Have you seen my socks?"
Mum: (shouted back a bit annoyed) "They're in the airing cupboard"
(There may be an extra step in between the line and the cupboard called ironing**)

** ironing n doing the - pushing an electrically heated piece of metal over your crinkled clothes to get the crinkles out. Apparently.

Bank Holiday Gales

Well, we went camping this Bank Holiday.

It didn't start off that well, if I'm honest. TJam overslept and then when she was doing a final clean of cat litter tray, the bag burst on the only square metre of carpet in the house. We got caught in a diversion and Beanz was sick in the van.

By the time we arrived though, we were feeling fine and ready to go.

Beanz and I are getting much better at camping and by the first evening, I was so settled I was falling asleep while on guard. I decided to let a few people (and dogs) walk past without barking. They're just not worth it.

On Sunday, we went for a treck. We came around this bit of mountain (with a lot of rock clambering and neck-risking) and had a quick photoshoot on the Billy Goats Gruff bridge (the trolls were on holiday, thank goodness).

Then, as the heavens opened, we found a cafe and decided to spend the afternoon there!

As you may or may not know, I have the fastest tongue in the Northern Hemisphere. I have to practise on a regular basis to maintain my world class prowess. A wet afternoon seemed the perfect opportunity to get in a couple of rounds. First I enlisted the help of my able assistant Bamgee (she got away just in time!)

And then, able assistant number 2, TJam. I had got into my stride by that time, and was quite the speedy one.

I was under strict instruction to keep my tongue firmly in my mouth while the humans ate...

It's cruelty I tells ya. Cruelty! I decided to develop my powers of telekinesis but I just wasn't strong enough.

The Gales and rain really came into force by the time we walked back to the campsite. Over half the campers upped and left. The ones who were out for a long day's treck, only to crawl home looking forward to hopping into their dry sleeping bag in their lovely warm tent were going to be in for a bit of a shock.

The campsite had to erect a tent graveyard (/recycling area).

We tucked ourselves up in our (still standing) tent and the humans cheered themselves by creating a dining room in the porch with red wine and chocolate. The plastic tea set only added to the atmosphere.

Our own tent survived the night with only a split pole.

By the next day, the sun had come out again, although the winds were still... well.... "severe" probably covers it. 3 humans managed to pack the tent away and we went for a lovely walk.

Bready had a sit by the stream...

... and we had a little paddle...

...before we braved the Bank Holiday traffic to come home.

Carlsberg has forgiven TJam for forgetting to press "start" on her 2nd feeder so she only had dried food for a whole day. Diddums. She should try being a dog.

Rat Hotel

by Beanz

They say that decking is aka rat hotel.

I just threw up on our decking so I guess that knocks a couple of stars off their accommodation status. Or maybe it adds a couple on.

Bodes well for our camping trip tomorrow too.

Uniform

- by Beanz Today some exciting post came. Our Pets as Therapy uniform! TJam has booked me in for my first visit as a PAT dog! Then it will be Chips's turn.

I have my own ID badge and special collar and lead.

TJam spent so long setting up this photo that I fell asleep and forgot to pose.

In other news, it is all getting a bit noisy round here, and not all that tuneful.

TJam has started singing lessons.

Of course that is plenty of fodder for trainwreck blogging sessions, but there will not be any recordings or performances. Luckily her teacher is very kind and understanding of the fact that, although she acts cool and hard, she is actually very shy about singing in front of anyone, especially when she has to be serious about the whole thing.

Not so cool and hard now, are you TJ?

If I hear Dido's "Here with me" one more time, I may have to ask Chips to chew my ears off for me and I'll return the favour. There's a reason Dido got a recording contract and TJam didn't.

You've Not Been Framed

- by Carlsberg

Thank goodness. We have been rejected. TJam may think it is ok to send a clip in of my climbing up the back of the settee and the cushion coming away and me falling down backwards, but I do not. You've Been Framed had the common decency to spare my dignity and reject the clip.

Mind you, come to think of it, it is quite a dent to the ego when you're not even good enough for You've Been Framed.

I don't know whether to be pleased or gutted.

Muscles

- by Chips

When we were out walking a couple of weeks ago, we came across this rope/stick swing (the blue thing to the right of the picture, hanging over a steep drop).

When she thought I wasn't looking (I was inspecting some ex-picnic rubbish) and when she had checked no one else was looking, TJam grabbed hold of it and launched herself into a full swing.

At the height of her trajectory TJam realised that children and adolescents must have some kind of inbuilt muscle strength that they are unaware of. She, on the other hand, was feeling a pull in muscles she didn't even know she had, let alone know she wasn't using any more.

She swung back to the side but the swing was child height so the floor was level with her waist.

It wasn't graceful.

She limpedwalked off whistling innocently (but arms hanging limply) and I did the decent thing and pretended I hadn't seen anything at all.

Humans: don't bother trying to recreate your adolescence unless you have consulted with your GP and undergone serious personal training.

Things that Make Me Nervous

-by Carlsberg

I get nervous when TJam puts her hands on my belly in a measuring kind of way and says,

"You'd make a lovely pair of gloves."

"Or maybe a muff."

Spooky

- by Beanz

I think the Loch Ness Monster may have moved down south...

I had a good bark at it and it swam on by. It didn't dare come to the bank, that's for sure. Not with Beanz the Fearless on duty.

In other news, here we are down by the canal. This is the spot I got scared at so TJam keeps bringing us down here to show me there is nothing to worry about. Darn her and her challenge-your-fears attitude. In fact, I am not scared at all. Well, not while the Loch Ness Monster stays upstream.

Elephants in fridges

- by TJam

How do you know there's been an elephant in your fridge?

Or more to the point, how do you know there has been a cat on your kitchen worktop?

Forget footprints in the butter and think little little cat-shaped tongue marks.

I've gone right off my marmite on toast.

(For the Americans amongst you, Marmite is a delicious brown spead for toast and bread. You should really try it. You either love it or you hate it!)

Knitting

- by Carlsberg

At the weekend, Bamgee and her sister came to visit. (Her spy name is Bready until she thinks of a better one.) Bready is a vociferous knitter. I have never known such a thrill. That wool! That gentle wiggle of the yarn. I was well in there. I moved so fast I was just a blur. It's my speed wobble.

When TJam used to knit, it was never this exciting. Perhaps it is the European Way that does it for me. Did you know knitting is bilingual? Apparently so.

PS Bready is knitting squares for Oxfam in this picture. If you want to knit for Oxfam, go and have a look at their website. I haven't linked to it. I'm a cat. I don't care for these things.

Swimming

- by Beanz

I swam today. Proper doggy swimming. Not puppy "stepped-out-too-far-into-the pond-and-couldn't-turn-round-so-had-to-doggy-paddle-to-the-other-side" swimming, but "boldy-stepped-out-into-the-same-pond-and-swam-to-the-other-side-without-choking" swimming.

I don't know who was proudest, me or TJam.

Clocks and Roaching

- by Beanz

Yesterday, TJam got a special lamp. It is supposed to help her wake up slowly and naturally so she is not such an old grump in the mornings. We'll see.

So last night, she set it all up to simulate the sunrise and a dawn chorus of chirpy little birdies.

All night long, every half hour, on the half hour, she excitedly woke up, looked at her clock/lamp and asked herself, "Is it time to wake up yet?"

and every half hour, on the hour, it wasn't time to wake up yet.

And then there was a power cut.

so by the time it was time to wake up yet, she was exhausted and non the wiser, as the clock/lamp had gone off, with there being no power and all.

She has set it again for tonight, with her phone as a backup. We'll let you know if she is sweetness and light tomorrow.

This evening, I have been roaching. To avoid offence, I want you to imagine that I am roaching for pure joy, and not because I have found a half crispy fox poo on the floor. Ignore what TJam says. I am not a dirt bag.

Sing along now!

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside!
Oh I do like to be beside the sea!
- sung by Chips

This morning, it was chucking it down but TJ still made us all get in the van. Bamgee was soaked before we even started. Then, we drove to the seaside in the pouring rain. How very zen. Rain is not good nor bad. Rain just is.



Wet.

So we got to the beach and the rain stopped. Hooray.
TJ posed with us. Note her new wellies. The others got a hole in them. Didn't last long.

It was still a bit windy and TJ took a not very flattering picture of me with my ears blowing up and with sand all over my nose. It made the humans laugh. Who am I to deny them their pleasure. They won't be laughing when TJ orders a new settee and I dig up the cushions.

Then we met Natty Noo and Roxy (person and dog) and Roxy ran rings round us.

Then we met Medders and Nice Nails (that's their spy names). Medders was friends with TJ when they were at school so they talked and talked and caught up. Meanwhile, us dogs walked along and sat around while the humans had tea and scones. We did get a few chips at lunch time though, so that was a special treat.

We had to come home in the end. We were asleep before TJ had shut the crate door in the van. There is load snoring coming from Beanz's box.

It was a good day. I love the sand and I love the sea. And I love my yellow ring.

Funny Gulpy Thing

- by Beanz

Do any of you other dogs get this weird thing where you keep gulping really hard and then you HAVE TO get out and eat loads and loads and loads of grass like a thing possessed. You can't walk along or anything, you've just GOT TO eat grass. And if there is no grass, anything green and leafy will do (even raspberry leaves at a push). It has happened to me twice today.

Does it happen to you? What is it? Is there anything that makes it go away apart from eating grass. TJam is not that happy if I HAVE TO go out to eat something green at 3am.

Calling the RSPCA

- by Chips

TJ is making me go out for a before-bedtime-wee. It's cold out there! Call the RSPCA. Tell them i'm not fed enough and I have to go out in the cold. Tell them I have to work for all my treats. That is downright taking advantage. Tell them I can only get on the settee and dig up the cushions when no one is in the house and TJ has forgotten to put the guitar on the seat to stop me. My life is misery I tells you! MISERY!

That memory stick has turned up, but so has a shipload of work, chores and deadlines. I'm neglected I tells you!

Pathetic

- by Carlsberg

The amount of blogging going on is pathetic. This is because TJam has lost the things for getting photos from her phone onto the computer. She has a memory stick and a wire but she can't find either.

Bravo.

Bed

- by Beanz

The bed is here! It is lovely and luxury and soft and fluffy. Unfortunately, I don't get a look in until Chips decides to let me. Here she is giving it its virgin voyage into the land of nod. See how CLEAN it is. Thank you Dogs Today and Rosewood pets. We heart you!

Happy 21st Fliptop

- by Chips

Last weekend it was TJ's sister, Fliptop's 21st. We all went down to help her celebrate. Beanz made the most of the big garden and sunbathed all day.

In the meantime, I watch Bamgee wrap up the Champagne. This is only for humans. It makes them smile and give dogs more treats than usual.

The humans held their glasses aloft and celebrated the journey from this:

to this:

Happy 21st Fliptop!

Mid-life Crisis

- by Beanz While TJam was at work, I had a go at being an Andrex* puppy. I look disappointed in this picture because I have just realised that I am
a) not yellow
b) not a labrador
b) not a puppy any more

I stand zero chance of being the face of Andrex.
My life is just passing me by.




* Other toilet tissues are available.

Heeling (most of the time)

- by Beanz

Today I have been mostly walking to heel and not getting lost.

Oh, apart from when we went past this field.

As TJ admired the scenery and took a photo (those are ponies in the field), I jumped the 2 foot wall which was a 6 foot drop on the other side. Knew my agility training would come in handy. Chips followed behind me, but TJ couldn't get in because of the barbed wire. So she went round the perimeter fence to find a way in where she would be able to get out again. Well, she got in ok but when she tried to lift Chips out she got stuck. Don't worry, she only got a small stab in the hand off the fence and her tenanus is up to date. In the end she had to give us a leg up over a wall and into the farmer's garden, then make a jump for it herself and run out via the farmer's drive. I don't think putting her hand over her face was much of a disguise but it was the best she could think of and hopefully nobody saw us.

Then I went back to heel and stayed there all day.

Note to Self

- by Beanz

I found this this evening:

The day started well. TJam got an email from Dogs Today to say she had won the photo caption competition, and the best thing? (apart from the fame and fortune obviously) is that the prize is a dog bed! Now, since the old beanbag went a bit smelly, TJam resurrected Jump's old beanbag inner, which was great for a staffie/jack russelly thing, but not so enormous for a collie cross. I don't mind that I am sleeping in a dead dog's bed but I do kind of hang over the edge. TJ has been looking for beds so this is really a blessing.
This evening, I got properly lost. Like 10 real minutes, TJ-feeling-cold-and-sick lost. Not nipping-into-the-bushes-for-a-sneaky-scavenge lost. I was a bit nervous of a man with his 3 dogs. Next thing, I just got freaked out and started running and running. Next thing, I couldn't find Chips and TJ anywhere! I was running around and around. I could hear them calling but I was so freaked out I couldn't use my ears or super-scenting nose. TJam was looking for me and Chips used the opportunity to sniff out and eat a chicken or cooked lamb or something (TJ couldn't see what it was but Chips is feeling rough now and looking like a barrel - serves her right TJam says).

So eventually the man caught me and put me on his lead and ran back to where he could hear TJ calling. I was so relieved to see everyone I just sat and looked at them and looked at them some more.

With all TJ reads on Doglost and all the posters she puts up for other dogs and the 3 that have been stolen round here recently, TJ didn't know if she would get me back. I am nice and friendly after all. So the moral of the story is that there are really nice and kind people in the world. People that will run themselves out of breath for a dog and then won't give their address so you can give them some beer to say thank you.

Now the fire is lit. I am laying on my tiny beanbag and all is well.

And not boring.

Letting the Cat into the Bag

Dear Bamgee

Thank you very much for my present. I love my new bag very much indeed.

Love from
Carlsberg
x

Unusual Sight

- by Chips


Today, TJ saw an unusual sight in someone's garden. Cool huh?

In other news, I am feeling completely better :)