Tapeworm

Ok, the title alone should have you steeling yourself to keep your last meal firmly in your stomach.

TJam can now count herself amongst the distinguished few who don't need to use "Google"..."images"..."search"... if she wants to know exactly what a whole tapeworm looks like when it has been vomited onto the carpet from the belly of a cat. When do we get to celebrate?

The Noisettes

Today we went for a lovely visit to see Noisette, Mr Noisette and Ms Noisette Junior. They were very welcoming and I even had a little sleep in their kitchen. Beanz and I played in the garden and we went for a walk in the fields.

Mr N gave us some doggie chocolate buttons. It was lovely.

Lovely Walk

Today we all went for a walk in High Park. It was lovely, and us dogs were mainly well behaved except that I grumped at another dog and got into trouble and the owner cried, even though it was all handbags at dawn. But apart from that it was a lot of fun, and the humans went to Papa Luigi's for lunch. It was sad when everyone had to say goodbye as everyone had a wonderful weekend.

Dirty Stopout

Carlsberg has been awol for 24 hours for the firs time this year. What a fairweather cat. Well, the opposite of fairweather actually. She only spends time with us when the weather is horrible. A whiff of sun and we don't see her for days.

Mystery Benefactor

A kind, yet mysterious benefactor has sent Bamgee and TJam an Oxfam Unwrapped present. They have planted trees for them! Unfortunately, they have not put their name on the card, so we can't thank them. If it was you and you are reading this, please put TJam and Bamgee out of their misery. Actually, they have a little inckling about who it might be, but they don't want to ask you in case it wasn't you and you feel like you should have sent them something! So thank you, whoever you are.

Yoga and Rabbit

This evening TJam was peacefully doing some yoga when she looked over to Carlsberg who jumped out from under the bed and pranced around with something soft and furry. On closer inspection it turned out to be a pair of a rabbit's back legs, held together by the tail. On closer inspection, Carlsberg appeared to weigh approximately (1 x cat) + (3/4 x rabbit). How very mathmatical. And how not zen.

Bronze Citizen

Well this is something no one ever thought they'd see. Yes, your eyes do serve you correctly. That is a photo of Beanz wearing her Bronze Good Citizen Rosette. She earned it today at her exam. TJam was more nervous than when she did her human exams for goodness sake. But Beanz was cool as a cucumber and even managed a little sleep while she was waiting to do her "controlled walk though a door". The fact that she had been charging round the park for 2 hours beforehand had nothing to do with it. She was very well behaved and we are very proud of her.

7pm: looks like Beanz used up all her Bronze Citizen behaviour at her bronze citizen exam. Tjam's mother was right when she told us pride comes before a fall. She (Beanz, not TJam's mother) has barked at a jogger, 3 horses, 3 boys playing in the stream, 2 girls walking down a path and one unknown monster. That will stop TJam getting above herself. Beanz: profilaxis for arrogance. I guess profilaxis is one of those words TJam can say but has no idea how to spell. That and trayps. Ok ok, there are a few.

BB for Noisette

Today our new friend Noisette came for the afternoon. She said us dogs were on urr BB. That's "best behaviour" for the uninitiated. Which, of course, makes TJam out to be a liar when she tells terrible tales, but she'd rather be a liar with BB dogs, than telling the truth about the ASBO brigade, especially when new friends are concerned.

It puts me in mind of a time when TJam was making a new friend, Thistle, and we went to the beach for the first time. Beanz went behind some public toilets and ate something that I can't tell you here, suffice to say someone mustn't have had their 5p to hand. About 10 minutes from home TJam tried to casually disguise a terrible smell by opening the window, but there was no diguising this smell. Beanz had puked up her treasure down the side of the back seat of the new car (with our new friend in).

Anyway, end hazy memory sequence and back to the present day. Noisette came for a walk with us and it was all very nice. Note to TJam: don't try to cook when new friends come to tea. Or at least, make sure you have some form of ingredients in the house before they arrive, or they will be obliged to smile and say, "yum" when eating some mushrooms, kidney beans and a green pepper.

Authentic Cat Treats

When Father Christmas delivered a nice little red box of ocean bites for Carlsberg, we were pleased for her. TJam didn't realise she would be handing over REAL LIFE WHOLE FISH with their googley little eyes looking up at her. Even Carlsberg did a double take before she ate it. And that is the cat that eats a whole mouse or bird without a second thought. Don't get me wrong, TJam doesn't believe in dressing meat up so it doesn't look like meat. If you're gonna eat it, at least eat it for what it is. It was just a shock for her to have 20 pairs of eyes staring at her while she opened the packet. Next time she will brace myself. And be glad she is vegan.

More on Ducks and Rabbits

The plot thickens. The duck plot that it. When Bamgee went swimming this morning, the duck bodies were gone. Someone with greater plucking knowledge clearly had the same idea. Following a day of mourning (I'm not exaggerating), TJam met the farmer and told him about the ducks.

"Oh no!" he said, "The duck is in my barn sitting on 6 eggs. She's been there all day." When we looked onto the big puddle on the marsh, low and behold, there were two ducks! Here is the evidence. Are they Mr and Mrs Duck? Or Mr and Mrs Duck II?

Meanwhile, this evening, TJam was just planning for an early night when the cat flap went, Carlsberg chirped, and a baby rabbit shot across the kitchen. TJam sighed and shook her head. The rabbit went under the bureau. TJam made a path of boxes towards the open door (we stoked up the fire, it was freezing) but the poor rabbit wasn't going anywhere. TJam missed the end of Monk. She put on her gardening gloves and eventually worked up the courage to slide the rabbit out and catch it. It was wriggly so she had to let it go in the garden. It has the night to recover and TJam will see if a mercy mission is called for in the morning. It is now 22:31 and TJam is finally going to bed.

There is good news on the allotment front but you'll have to read about that another day. Now we must all go to bed.

Mr and Mrs Duck

Here, there should be a photo of two adorable ducks who have set up home in the flooded marsh that is next to our house. We have seen them twice a day for two weeks, and they haven't been phased by the fact that the dogs have been distracted by handfulls of duck and rice dog food that we got in a free sample (nor do they seem to have been worried about the irony of it all).

Instead of a photo, there is now empty space. Mr and Mrs Duck must have wandered onto the main road and are now together in ducky heaven. TJam and Bamgee are both gutted. Of course TJam is a sucker for any animal but the depth of Bamgee's reaction has come of something a surprise. We must be winning her over.

TJam couldn't help thinking it was a waste for two such fine specimins to lay on the highway and get flatter and flatter and she did think about experimenting with a raw food diet for the dogs for a couple of days. The plan only went on hold when TJam realised she would have to do some kind of plucking, and that, should another couple of ducks set up home there next year, that she might have a harder time convincing us dogs that dried duck and rice kibble are better than the real thing.

Rod for her Own Back

A while back we went away for the weekend, and when we got home, TJam gave the cat a well known brand pouch of cat food as a "sorry for leaving you" present. (Actually, it was her Christmas present from Auntie Ann that TJam forgot to give her before).

After a week of ignoring her, TJam managed to convince Carlsberg that she is not going to get up at 5am to feed her a pouch, no matter how much the cat purrs on TJam's head or taps at her face. TJam did relent though, and Carlsberg and TJam now seem to have compromised on one third of a pouch at tea time.

TJam has created a monster. It only took thirty seconds, and there it is.

Norovirus Part II

"Winter vomiting disease" seems like an understatement for having your guts ripped from your abdomen by 50 stampeding elephants. However, it is over now.

TJam the emetophobe came through. I think it's what they call "flooding". People pay therapists good money for that experience, and here she was getting it for free. Somehow she's not as happy about that as it sounds like she should be.

Brrrrrrr

Look at these amazing photos of last weekend. The trees were encased in ice, like they were made of glass. We have never seen such a thing before and it was amazing.

RIP Taz

Poor Taz, TJam's parents' dog, who had been poorly on and off, finally got just too poorly. Chips and Beanz will miss him when we visit and we are glad we got to see him one last time.

Norovirus visits (and snow)

Poor Bamgee has been sick all weekend with Norovirus. This charming bug is also referred to as "winter vomiting disease" and affects 1 million people per year.

On a happier note, we have had snow! And yes, if you look carefully at the photo, it IS showing two wild dogs ripping the flesh from a recently deceased hare. Of course, they are not TJAM'S dogs, they are a genuine wild breed, native to the UK. The fact that they seem to be wearing fluorescent collars is a mere trick of the light. Heh Heh.

Ok, ok, it is me and Chips, doing what dogs do best. De- lish- ous!

Safety First

Today TJam went to Crufts. Look at the bright new leads we got. No one had better run us over now! TJam also got new wellies. Luckily, her others split on Monday so she decided to treat herself and get a neoprene pair. They are so gorgeous and warm. She will report back whether they are worth an extra thirty squids to normal wellies.

Life int' North

Today while we were out walking we met a group of 6 boys out hunting with their ferret. I had heard about that kind of thing but never seen it with my own eyes. Oh, life in the north.

Underpants

Today TJam has been wondering about underpants. Specifically why it is that someone might put their underpants on inside out, and then think to themselves, "No, I might be in a road traffic accident the one day my underpants are inside out, I'll change them" and then go right ahead and waste a vital 30 seconds putting them the right way round.

Firstly, underpants are equally clean on both sides when you put them on, and secondly, if you *are* in an accident, you are likely to soil them and in any case they will be cut off you and no one but no one will notice if they are on inside out or not. So my advice humans, is spend your 30 seconds on something else.

Sign

This is our favourite sign. You can guess what TJam does every time she sees it. She is such a conformist.