Emergency Pants

- by TJam

emergency pants n spare pair of old and tatty pants that are purposely kept at the back of the cupboard in case you run out of good pants.

I had to dig into the back of the cupboard the other day. My mum had put my washing away for me (thank you Mum!) but unbeknownst to me had made use of the airing cupboard* so I thought I didn't have any good pants left.

Why don't we put a spare pair of good pants in the back of the cupboard. The kind that we don't mind getting run over in, in case the hospital staff see and judge us by our pants while they're fighting to save our life.

* airing cupboard n the place where the hot water tank is where people who can be bothered put clothes in between the time they spend on the washing line and going into the cupboard.
TJam: (shouted) "Have you seen my socks?"
Mum: (shouted back a bit annoyed) "They're in the airing cupboard"
(There may be an extra step in between the line and the cupboard called ironing**)

** ironing n doing the - pushing an electrically heated piece of metal over your crinkled clothes to get the crinkles out. Apparently.

Opportunism

Opportunism (op-or-tune-izm) n The taking advantage of the short period of time that it takes for a human to exit the front door to clip the hedge, say to themselves, "Ooops, I didn't shut the stair gate" and return to the house to find a dog downstairs, tail wagging, to run up the stairs, raid the bin and eat 2 bowls of cat food and run down the stairs to play the complete innocent and not get found out until 2 hours later.

Yay for opportunism.

Relief

Relief (rih-leef) n Feeling experienced when you think you have stepped on a slug, but the thing that you pick off your sock is actually a chunk of uncooked beetroot that the dog has been throwing around the house the night before.