Abscess Revisited - with style

Poor Carlsberg has not been feeling at all well over the weekend and yesterday she just laid on the landing all day and night. This morning, TJam took her to the vet, who said, "Sh*t!" (sorry to any under 16s) "Is there any chance she could have been shot?!". Well, there are loads of kids that shoot over the back, so it was a distinct possibility. Carlsberg stayed at the vet for x-ray and surgery.

1pm - the vet has just phoned. It was not a pellet, but huge abscess that stretches from her back, all the way around to her groin. She will need a drain. She can come home tonight.

Evening: this is what she looks like now and we have never seen anything so pathetic.

The drain goes in the top of her back here:

and all the way down to come out of her belly here.

TJam made her a comfy bed, but Carlsberg got up and balanced herself on the cardboard box and fell asleep and that is where TJam has left her. She isn't allowed to be around us dogs because we will try and lick her wounds and we're not allowed.

Carlsberg has to go back to the vet on Wednesday.

Abscess Revisited - with style

Poor Carlsberg has not been feeling at all well over the weekend and yesterday she just laid on the landing all day and night. This morning, TJam took her to the vet, who said, "Sh*t!" (sorry to any under 16s) "Is there any chance she could have been shot?!". Well, there are loads of kids that shoot over the back, so it was a distinct possibility. Carlsberg stayed at the vet for x-ray and surgery.

1pm - the vet has just phoned. It was not a pellet, but huge abscess that stretches from her back, all the way around to her groin. She will need a drain. She can come home tonight.

Evening: this is what she looks like now and we have never seen anything so pathetic.

The drain goes in the top of her back here:

and all the way down to come out of her belly here.

TJam made her a comfy bed, but Carlsberg got up and balanced herself on the cardboard box and fell asleep and that is where TJam has left her. She isn't allowed to be around us dogs because we will try and lick her wounds and we're not allowed.

Carlsberg has to go back to the vet on Wednesday.

Wedding Congratulations

Congratulations to Jo and Jon, who got married today. Bamgee and TJam went to their reception and TJam wowed the audience with her medley of the wedding march, love songs and football songs expertly performed on the paper and comb. There was panic during the day when TJam realised her playing skills were very rusty, but constant practice made perfect and it all went well.

Thank Goodness for Insurance

Another trip to the vet for a 2nd lump. He said it felt more like a tumour but since it has appeared at the same time as my war wound, it is too much of a coincidence and he will treat it as another abscess.

However, this one seems more problematic and if it doesn't heal properly I may need surgery. So please keep your fingers crossed that it all heals nicely. Apart from anything else, I hate staying in the house. I hide behind the front door and when people come in, I dart past them to make a break for freedom.

TJam would welcome any advice. She wants to build some kind of airlock.

Abscess

As the title suggests, there are more health issues down on the ranch. Poor old me developed a big lump on my back and was walking funny, so I had to pay a visit to the vet, who whipped the scab of an absess and, well, we'll leave the rest to your imagination. Actually, it is best not to think about it, it will only upset you. TJam was morbidly fascinated.

The vet said I was probably involved in a fight, and from the location of the wound, I was running away. Chips has said she will give me some lessons in self defence.

£41 later and I am injected and armed with a course of antibiotics.

Go Chips!!

Dear Carlsberg

You know as well as I do that if you have a pouch in the morning, you start patting my face at 5am to ask for your breakfast. And you can forget it cos it ain't gonna happen. I must confess to being suspicious. How comes you have just come and sat on my knee AGAIN? Are you even the real Carlsberg or an imposter? I will ask the vet to check your microchip when you go for your next booster.

Anyway, we have more important news now. After 4 years of work, and times of despair, Chips has got her bronze Citizen Award from the Kennel Club. Perhaps I will carry her rosette around in my bumbag so if she gets in a scrap I can whip it out, wave it around and blame the other dog. A special thank you to Gayle, Derrick and Karen who let her into the quieter class even though she wasn't qualified, and who let us work at Chips's pace so she could calm down and chill and, and dare I say it, enjoy herself in class.

Lots of love
TJam

Reply to Letter

Dear TJam

Firstly, I have to say that I was coming home anyway, and your letter didn't make a bit of difference. I am a cat and I will do as I please, as is my feline way.

Please do not think, however, that I am not aware that you are thinking of selling up and leaving the rat race to go and live on a narrow boat. As you well know, boats do not suit cats. You had better stick to your promise that you will not leave until I give sign or signal that it is ok. And please do not think that you will be able to hasten my departure.

Please also do not think that my being extra friendly since I got home and sitting on your knee for the first time this evening is my attempt at winning you round and keeping you on my side.

Lots of love

Carlsberg

PS What about a pouch of catfood in the morning as well as the evening?

Carcass

Firstly, my sincere apologies to those who berated TJam for not photographing the "tapeworm on the carpet" scene. I can only imagine how you are going to take the following news.

Whilst out walking, I dived gleefully into some long grass. TJam smelt me as I came out carrying a decomposing rabbit carcus seething and dripping with maggots. It was a wrestle to prize it from me clamped jaws, but the adrenaline rush helped her no end. And the sorry thing about all this, was that TJam's first thought was, "I haven't got my camera!" What does that say about her?

Letter

Dear Carlsberg

I am sorry we left you for the weekend and went down to London. I was careful to leave out your favourite food and to make sure someone checked on you (even though the key wouldn't work and they couldn't get into the house). I feel you are overreacting by not coming home. I haven't seen you for 5 days and I am starting to worry, even though I know you pull this 7 day stunt every summer. How am I supposed to know if you are out on an expedition or if you are locked in someone's shed and need rescuing?

It's raining now, so why don't we call it a truce and you can come home, have a pouch of food and we will all be winners. Huh? Waddaya say?

Lots of love
TJam

PhD

Congratulations to Dr Noisette who has got her PHd! Hooray!

Wedding

TJam and Bamgee went to a Town and then to the Lake District to celebrate Mr and Mrs Chilled's wedding. It was a beautiful, humourous and moving ceremony and fun and friendly reception.

Everyone had a great time. Congratulations Mr and Mrs Chilled!

Walking Day

Today was walking day. This is a local custom when humans walk from the church to the war memorial, playing music and stuff. Whilst TJam applauds the upkeep of local tradition, she did not enjoy waiting in traffic for half an hour before pleading with Mr Policeman to let her drive to her own home rather than take a 7 mile diversion.

Luckily, what with the crying, shaking and general drama that accomanies a hormonal human on low blood sugar, Mr Policemen let her drive home and the peace was kept.

Allotment Relaunched

TJam and the dogs went to the allotment at the crack of dawn to start putting a fence around it. So far they have done a gate frame and dug holes for the posts. And they claim to be exhausted.

Meanwhile, I have been enjoying reading "Your Dog" magazine and laughing at all those stupid canines. They think they are so clever. They should try being a cat.

Meanwhile, I have been enjoying the mattress. Very nice. Very nice indeed. Keep up the payments TJam.

Good Night's Sleep

Today, TJam hoiked me off the bed to make way for a new matress. She is very excited about it and is hoping to, at last, have a good night's sleep. I will let you know.

Tapeworm

Ok, the title alone should have you steeling yourself to keep your last meal firmly in your stomach.

TJam can now count herself amongst the distinguished few who don't need to use "Google"..."images"..."search"... if she wants to know exactly what a whole tapeworm looks like when it has been vomited onto the carpet from the belly of a cat. When do we get to celebrate?

The Noisettes

Today we went for a lovely visit to see Noisette, Mr Noisette and Ms Noisette Junior. They were very welcoming and I even had a little sleep in their kitchen. Beanz and I played in the garden and we went for a walk in the fields.

Mr N gave us some doggie chocolate buttons. It was lovely.

Lovely Walk

Today we all went for a walk in High Park. It was lovely, and us dogs were mainly well behaved except that I grumped at another dog and got into trouble and the owner cried, even though it was all handbags at dawn. But apart from that it was a lot of fun, and the humans went to Papa Luigi's for lunch. It was sad when everyone had to say goodbye as everyone had a wonderful weekend.

Dirty Stopout

Carlsberg has been awol for 24 hours for the firs time this year. What a fairweather cat. Well, the opposite of fairweather actually. She only spends time with us when the weather is horrible. A whiff of sun and we don't see her for days.

Mystery Benefactor

A kind, yet mysterious benefactor has sent Bamgee and TJam an Oxfam Unwrapped present. They have planted trees for them! Unfortunately, they have not put their name on the card, so we can't thank them. If it was you and you are reading this, please put TJam and Bamgee out of their misery. Actually, they have a little inckling about who it might be, but they don't want to ask you in case it wasn't you and you feel like you should have sent them something! So thank you, whoever you are.

Yoga and Rabbit

This evening TJam was peacefully doing some yoga when she looked over to Carlsberg who jumped out from under the bed and pranced around with something soft and furry. On closer inspection it turned out to be a pair of a rabbit's back legs, held together by the tail. On closer inspection, Carlsberg appeared to weigh approximately (1 x cat) + (3/4 x rabbit). How very mathmatical. And how not zen.

Bronze Citizen

Well this is something no one ever thought they'd see. Yes, your eyes do serve you correctly. That is a photo of Beanz wearing her Bronze Good Citizen Rosette. She earned it today at her exam. TJam was more nervous than when she did her human exams for goodness sake. But Beanz was cool as a cucumber and even managed a little sleep while she was waiting to do her "controlled walk though a door". The fact that she had been charging round the park for 2 hours beforehand had nothing to do with it. She was very well behaved and we are very proud of her.

7pm: looks like Beanz used up all her Bronze Citizen behaviour at her bronze citizen exam. Tjam's mother was right when she told us pride comes before a fall. She (Beanz, not TJam's mother) has barked at a jogger, 3 horses, 3 boys playing in the stream, 2 girls walking down a path and one unknown monster. That will stop TJam getting above herself. Beanz: profilaxis for arrogance. I guess profilaxis is one of those words TJam can say but has no idea how to spell. That and trayps. Ok ok, there are a few.

BB for Noisette

Today our new friend Noisette came for the afternoon. She said us dogs were on urr BB. That's "best behaviour" for the uninitiated. Which, of course, makes TJam out to be a liar when she tells terrible tales, but she'd rather be a liar with BB dogs, than telling the truth about the ASBO brigade, especially when new friends are concerned.

It puts me in mind of a time when TJam was making a new friend, Thistle, and we went to the beach for the first time. Beanz went behind some public toilets and ate something that I can't tell you here, suffice to say someone mustn't have had their 5p to hand. About 10 minutes from home TJam tried to casually disguise a terrible smell by opening the window, but there was no diguising this smell. Beanz had puked up her treasure down the side of the back seat of the new car (with our new friend in).

Anyway, end hazy memory sequence and back to the present day. Noisette came for a walk with us and it was all very nice. Note to TJam: don't try to cook when new friends come to tea. Or at least, make sure you have some form of ingredients in the house before they arrive, or they will be obliged to smile and say, "yum" when eating some mushrooms, kidney beans and a green pepper.

Authentic Cat Treats

When Father Christmas delivered a nice little red box of ocean bites for Carlsberg, we were pleased for her. TJam didn't realise she would be handing over REAL LIFE WHOLE FISH with their googley little eyes looking up at her. Even Carlsberg did a double take before she ate it. And that is the cat that eats a whole mouse or bird without a second thought. Don't get me wrong, TJam doesn't believe in dressing meat up so it doesn't look like meat. If you're gonna eat it, at least eat it for what it is. It was just a shock for her to have 20 pairs of eyes staring at her while she opened the packet. Next time she will brace myself. And be glad she is vegan.

More on Ducks and Rabbits

The plot thickens. The duck plot that it. When Bamgee went swimming this morning, the duck bodies were gone. Someone with greater plucking knowledge clearly had the same idea. Following a day of mourning (I'm not exaggerating), TJam met the farmer and told him about the ducks.

"Oh no!" he said, "The duck is in my barn sitting on 6 eggs. She's been there all day." When we looked onto the big puddle on the marsh, low and behold, there were two ducks! Here is the evidence. Are they Mr and Mrs Duck? Or Mr and Mrs Duck II?

Meanwhile, this evening, TJam was just planning for an early night when the cat flap went, Carlsberg chirped, and a baby rabbit shot across the kitchen. TJam sighed and shook her head. The rabbit went under the bureau. TJam made a path of boxes towards the open door (we stoked up the fire, it was freezing) but the poor rabbit wasn't going anywhere. TJam missed the end of Monk. She put on her gardening gloves and eventually worked up the courage to slide the rabbit out and catch it. It was wriggly so she had to let it go in the garden. It has the night to recover and TJam will see if a mercy mission is called for in the morning. It is now 22:31 and TJam is finally going to bed.

There is good news on the allotment front but you'll have to read about that another day. Now we must all go to bed.

Mr and Mrs Duck

Here, there should be a photo of two adorable ducks who have set up home in the flooded marsh that is next to our house. We have seen them twice a day for two weeks, and they haven't been phased by the fact that the dogs have been distracted by handfulls of duck and rice dog food that we got in a free sample (nor do they seem to have been worried about the irony of it all).

Instead of a photo, there is now empty space. Mr and Mrs Duck must have wandered onto the main road and are now together in ducky heaven. TJam and Bamgee are both gutted. Of course TJam is a sucker for any animal but the depth of Bamgee's reaction has come of something a surprise. We must be winning her over.

TJam couldn't help thinking it was a waste for two such fine specimins to lay on the highway and get flatter and flatter and she did think about experimenting with a raw food diet for the dogs for a couple of days. The plan only went on hold when TJam realised she would have to do some kind of plucking, and that, should another couple of ducks set up home there next year, that she might have a harder time convincing us dogs that dried duck and rice kibble are better than the real thing.

Rod for her Own Back

A while back we went away for the weekend, and when we got home, TJam gave the cat a well known brand pouch of cat food as a "sorry for leaving you" present. (Actually, it was her Christmas present from Auntie Ann that TJam forgot to give her before).

After a week of ignoring her, TJam managed to convince Carlsberg that she is not going to get up at 5am to feed her a pouch, no matter how much the cat purrs on TJam's head or taps at her face. TJam did relent though, and Carlsberg and TJam now seem to have compromised on one third of a pouch at tea time.

TJam has created a monster. It only took thirty seconds, and there it is.

Norovirus Part II

"Winter vomiting disease" seems like an understatement for having your guts ripped from your abdomen by 50 stampeding elephants. However, it is over now.

TJam the emetophobe came through. I think it's what they call "flooding". People pay therapists good money for that experience, and here she was getting it for free. Somehow she's not as happy about that as it sounds like she should be.

Brrrrrrr

Look at these amazing photos of last weekend. The trees were encased in ice, like they were made of glass. We have never seen such a thing before and it was amazing.

RIP Taz

Poor Taz, TJam's parents' dog, who had been poorly on and off, finally got just too poorly. Chips and Beanz will miss him when we visit and we are glad we got to see him one last time.

Norovirus visits (and snow)

Poor Bamgee has been sick all weekend with Norovirus. This charming bug is also referred to as "winter vomiting disease" and affects 1 million people per year.

On a happier note, we have had snow! And yes, if you look carefully at the photo, it IS showing two wild dogs ripping the flesh from a recently deceased hare. Of course, they are not TJAM'S dogs, they are a genuine wild breed, native to the UK. The fact that they seem to be wearing fluorescent collars is a mere trick of the light. Heh Heh.

Ok, ok, it is me and Chips, doing what dogs do best. De- lish- ous!

Safety First

Today TJam went to Crufts. Look at the bright new leads we got. No one had better run us over now! TJam also got new wellies. Luckily, her others split on Monday so she decided to treat herself and get a neoprene pair. They are so gorgeous and warm. She will report back whether they are worth an extra thirty squids to normal wellies.

Life int' North

Today while we were out walking we met a group of 6 boys out hunting with their ferret. I had heard about that kind of thing but never seen it with my own eyes. Oh, life in the north.

Underpants

Today TJam has been wondering about underpants. Specifically why it is that someone might put their underpants on inside out, and then think to themselves, "No, I might be in a road traffic accident the one day my underpants are inside out, I'll change them" and then go right ahead and waste a vital 30 seconds putting them the right way round.

Firstly, underpants are equally clean on both sides when you put them on, and secondly, if you *are* in an accident, you are likely to soil them and in any case they will be cut off you and no one but no one will notice if they are on inside out or not. So my advice humans, is spend your 30 seconds on something else.

Sign

This is our favourite sign. You can guess what TJam does every time she sees it. She is such a conformist.

Roots

Look at the amazing roots on this tree. There are roots like this everywhere. TJam is making a point of noticing things like this. It is so easy to walk past and not see them.

Cannot Tell a Lie

OK I admit it. It was me that went through the compost bin. Yes, those are green pepper seeds next to my bed. I did eat the shrivelled, mouldy green pepper. I cannot tell a lie. I am also responsible for the half a banana skin in the kitchen.

Non-Buddhism

Bamgee should be in Peru about now...

Meanwhile, TJam is going to have a LOT of explaining to do when she next visits the Buddhist Centre. Tonight, she has killed some slugs and snails. She has put it off for a long time, but she said something about kill just a couple (haha, call that a couple) now and save having to kill off hundreds later. They are eating the whole garden and we are going to have to grow veg there this year. So I say, be like a dog. Kill EVERYTHING IN SIGHT and don't bother with a guilty conscience. You have a lot to learn from us dogs.

Allotment

It is with regret that TJam has made her decision to retire from her allotment. We hadn't been for a couple of months, and when we went down there today, the fence has been broken down in 2 places, the locked door forced open, the wheelbarrow and state of the art spade stolen, and people had had a massive bonfire, burnt a bike, broken some glass and taken drugs on our patch. Since we don't feel safe there and TJam doesn't have the skill or inclination to build a secure fence to keep intruders out, we will be retiring from the allotment until such a time as we can find one that doesn't need an alarm system.

Lucid Dreaming

Here are some cool branches that TJam couldn't resist getting a picture of. Age makes you start getting all appreciative of that stuff.

And here is an unusual picture of Carlsberg.

Bamgee is back from Cambodia!

On a completely unrelated topic. TJam has always remembered her dreams, and often done reality tests which showed she was awake, when actually she was asleep. Pinching herself and then thinking "oh, it must be real then". Anyway a few nights ago, TJam was having a nightmare, and as she was being carried into the medieval torture chamber (don't ask) she suddenly thought to herself, "wait, this is a dream. I can wake up" and the dream melted away and she dreamt she woke up.

Only then she thought she was awake but actually it was just another dream…. Anyway, last night she suddenly realised she was dreaming. So she thought to herself, "great, that means I can fly if I want to" so she just jumped off the ground and she was soaring through the air. Of course, then she was so excited she forgot it was a dream so in her mind she genuinely was flying around like a delirious nutter.

TJam has wanted to do lucid dreaming forever, and then 2 in a month. Apparently you have to practise. You have to reality check. I wonder if it is because she has started meditating and kind of reality checking regularly throughout the day, and that now he is doing it in her sleep as well. It is all bizarre but kind of interesting and TJam is doing a characteristically obsessive web search on the joys of lucid dreaming.

Incidentally, "nutter" is not in the microsoft spellcheck. What are they thinking?

Nice Walk

We went for a lovely walk up Rivington today. TJam even got some half decent pictures of Beanz.

I got a picture of me with some other dogs to go in my Record of Achievement.

Even Nero was on for a game today, it must have been the beauty of nature that got to him.

Reunion

Today, TJam's friend Snow Dance came to visit. She hasn't changed at all! They had a fab time catching up, and then they turned to reminiscing.

They went on friends reunited and looked up everyone in their school year. Then they got brave and looked up everyone in the year above them who used to scare the bejeebiez out of them.

Weird that two grown women should be sweating and feeling sick with fear whilst looking at photos of 14 year olds. They still hold their power over TJam and Snow Dance, with their luminous towelling socks, mullet perms and black eye-liner.

Oh the 80s. TJam intends to put some photos up of her own. Brazil - have you got any you could send up?

Dog School

Today I started at new dog training school. And they have said I can go back again next week, so I can't have been that bad. Actually, TJam was proud of me. 10 dogs in a hall and only one tiny little bark. Oh how I have come on.

Cat's Christmas

Well, everyone had a lovely Christmas. I spent mine here, and Silky came to play with me and feed me. TJam forgot to leave my Christmas dinner out, so I have played the guilt card by being extra friendly. I waited at the door for everyone when they came back from visiting the family and I slept on TJam's shoulder last night and the night before. Not that she cares as she got a memory foam pillow for Christmas and is sleeping the best she has ever slept.

Bamgee went to her mum's for Christmas day and TJam, Chips and Beanz went down to London for the family experience. They had a wonderful time, with loads of food, presents and visiting. In fact I don't think they were desperate to come home. But they had to because of ME! By Boxing day, Brazil was turning out a roast dinner like a professional and she did us all proud. Thank you Brazil!

There has been snow all across the country and this morning there was frost on the inside of the windows. Ok, that is something that needs to be sorted for next winter!

Bah Humbug

Today, Michelle and Kelly came over for dinner. We have put the tree up but TJam has moved the tinsel because I keep eating it.

Spoilsport.

Fliptop Sings

Fliptop "I want that one" Sister arrived in the middle of the night and today she went into Manchester and recorded a CD. It is her first one, hopefully the first of many.

Beanz Wins Prize

Tonight Beanz won a prize in a Christmas party game. We think it is the first thing she has ever won. See? She's not as useless as she looks! Ha ha. I'm just joking Beanz. You know I love you.

Meteor

Last night there was meant to be a meteor shower but when TJam went out to look, all she got was a faceful of rain and all she could see was clouds. This morning, we went to give some carrots to our neighbour the horse, Joseph, and what should we see but the most beautiful shooting star, shoot right over Joseph's stable and break up in front of our very eyes. Us dogs were not overly impressed, but as a human, TJam has been smiling in awe all day every time she remembers it.

Helping

I love helping wrap Christmas presents. All that paper and sellotape to rustle and chase. It's fab.

Sight for Sore Eyes

No, your eyes don't deceive you. There *are* 6 llamas dressed in Santa suits and there *is* a 6 foot tall Santa's helper elf walking between them. 

Shingles

Thought it was going badly before? Yup, well, then TJam got shingles (a nice little virus for the over 60s) so she has been laying around all day feeling sorry for herself for well over a week. Her lovely mum came up to stay and has taken me and Beanz for a few walks, and TJam is supposed to go back to work on Monday. 

England has had its first severe weather warnings but we have only had frost. Bring on the snow! The humans say no, but I say yes yes and yes.

Chocolate Coins

Um, Bamgee, those chocolate coins that TJam bought to give you for Christmas… um… well I kept the foil for you (see photo). The coins were delicious. I wasn't so impressed by the mixed herbs. And the Tesco "Bag for Life"… I'm afraid it was terminal.

TJam was expecting a friend for lunch today. She ran round the shops and tidied up and cooked lunch, although she slipped with the cayenne pepper. When the friend didn't turn up, she checked her mail only to find it is not til next week. At least her friend didn't get her head blown off.

Clothes Horse

Silky, don't read this, it will only upset you!

TJam went out all pleased with herself today as she said, "I'll put this back door key on my keyring today so if the dogs try and get upstairs, I will just come round the back." Then she drove off to work, only she went to the wrong site and was late for a meeting, there were no parking spots so she decided to park on this gravel bank, but her wheels got into a spin on the gravel. Luckily, she didn't have to resort to someone pushing her off, she got traction at the last minute. When she came home, we had knocked the clothes horse over again. TJam didn't even break her stride.

She triumphantly pulled out her keys and said, "Ha ha! Lucky I put the back door key on here!". Only the back door key was inside with us, and she had two front door keys on her key ring. 

She looked like she might cry like a girl but she held it together and called on a very muscley neighbour to ask if he had the wherewithals to smash a window and let her in. He had a better idea though and rammed the door open til the horse bent and he let her in. She won't be hanging any clothes on the clothes horse any time soon. Nor will she be able to use it for anything else. 

She doesn't care though. We have all our windows in tact. Although how long that will last, I wouldn't like to say.

Door Jam

RATE TJAM'S DAY on a scale of 1-10.

 You can email me and rate TJam's day to help her do a reality check and decide if it was as bad as she thinks.

 First it was a Monday 6.30am when she had to get up, after a late night at the weekend. Dark and cold and she had to go to work. She says she has got pee emm tee too. It means she shouts a lot a falls over a lot and drops things a lot.

She left the house after carefully putting the clothes horse against the stair gate (read our October blog entry for details of why this was necessary) and the putting another piece of the clothes horse on top of the first to make a high "ladder" contraption to stop me getting upstairs and eating the cat food. The traffic was terrible and she was late for work. The day went badly but we don't talk about work here.

While she was out, I had a little go at getting upstairs anyway but I knocked the clothes horse over and wedged it between the stairs and the front door. At lunch time, TJam's van pulled up and TJam got out, unlocked the front door, opened it half an inch and then started banging the door and screaming, "Let me into the £$%ing house. You've been trying to get upstairs you greedy little ^£&$s. Now I can't open this &^%£ing door".

She banged the door a lot but she didn't come in to give us our lunch. I hid in the crate and rolled my eyes and wagged my tail helpfully. Then she screamed, "Right. That's it. If you have to mess everything up then you just do what you *&^%ing well want. I can't get in and you can't have any lunch and IT SERVES YOU RIGHT!"

And she turned around and went and sat in the van phoning her friends to see if anyone of them had her back door key, or if she would have to break the window to get in. Then she drove off.

And we didn't get any lunch!

In the evening she climbed over the back fence in her full work clothes and came in the back door. We were so glad to have our lunch see her.

Lucky her, it was dark so she got to keep us on the lead and trudge round the roads for 4 miles in the freezing cold.

Walking and Jumping

We went for a lovely walk with Julie, Will and Alice in Madchester. Alice held a bottle up and I jumped high to try and get it.

Dirty Stop Outs

TJam went for a lovely dinner and catch up with Janet, Kerry and Jo. We went too because there were fireworks and we couldn't stay on our own. Then we all stayed the night. We fell asleep. You may not already know this, but there is a time that is called three therty aiy em.

Because

Why? Because next door's cat is sleeping in our garden and Carlsberg is too scared to go out. We have resorted to cracking open her litter tray. A backward step in my opinion but at least while she is in she's not getting run over. And not catching mice to bring home. Perhaps she will even get down to the job of catching the one living under the kitchen sink. She hasn't shown much interest so far.

Why?

TJam and the dogs went down to the London area to visit family. They had a very lovely time. They drive in the dogmobile was good too. How lucky we are. Silky and her son called in to keep an eye on Carlsberg, who kept them entertained. They were less entertained, however, by her pooing in the dogs' bed. Why?

Football

XT500 and TJam went to see Wigan play against Newcastle. It was a fantastic atmosphere and Wigan beat Newcastle 1-0. On the way back a minibus full of drunken Newcastle fans were intimidating and threw a can of beer at XT and TJam. Although they will never read this, I hope their mothers are proud of them. They were surely great ambassadors for Newcastle. Wigan were fab.

Mars Bar Mystery

Yesterday, XT500 had a multi-pack of 8 mars bars in his room. When the humans came back from being out, there were 6 mars bars left. They scratched their heads and wondered where the mars bars had gone. The cat's bowl was also licked clean. 

A mystery. 

Surveillance was needed. 

Watch this to find out what really happened. It's 3.43Mb and in TJam's opinion, is worth the wait. It's all true.

Visitor

Our friend XT500 has come to stay.

Sheep in a Bog

Hands up who has ever waded into a stinking bog up to their knees to drag out a sheep by the scruff of its neck. That's another experience for TJam to add to the list.

A gang of 4 sheep had made a break from their field into the woods where we walk. By the time the Beanz and I had given chase, TJam had realised what was going on and said a quick prayer to the patron saint of keeping dogs safe from farmers with guns, one of the sheep had broken away and taken refuge in the bog. Probably not on purpose.

Once caught, the Beanz and I stood watching from the side (tied to a tree) while TJam waded into the thick black sludge up to her knees, grabbed the sheep by the scruff of the neck and dragged it to the edge. Once it had found its footing, the sheep left the scene dirty but  apparently unscathed and headed off in the direction of its friends.

TJam's trip to the café was a little smellier than usual and we all had to sit very much outside.

Hedgehog

TJam has just got back from the vets. This morning, I found a little hedgehog, not moving, by the side of the path. TJam went back in the van to collect him. She phoned

St Tiggywinkle's Hedgehog Hospital, and then the nearby Hedgehog rescue. Little Hedgy had to be wrapped in a towel and put on top of a bottle of hot water because they thought it probably had hypothermia. By the time TJam and Hedgy got to the vets, the hedgehog had started to come round a little bit and had walked to the edge of the box to scratch and try and get out. If it survives, we would like it to come and live in our garden to EAT ALL THE SLUGS WHICH ARE DRIVING TJAM MAD. One good turn deserves another, after all!

5.30pm Sad news. Not to put too fine a point on it, the hedgehog has gone to the great hedgehog sanctuary in the sky. In the process of all this, however, TJam has become quite taken with the hedgehog.

Lino

Hooray for our lovely new lino and hooray for TJam's lovely dad (Boy Wonder) who laid it and hooray for her lovely sister, Fliptop who helped her rearrange furniture. And hooray for being about to hoover twice in one day. Is this the real TJam or an impostor?

Claim to Fame

We went for a lovely walk in the hills today with our friend Silky. We stopped and had a photo call at the stocks on the village green and then we ALL (2 dogs, 2 humans) went into the chapel café where a gentlemen played piano and we had scones for breakfast. 

THE Nat Lofthouse (who was apparently at the next table) stepped on Beanz's tail as he got up to leave. How is that for a claim to fame?

I've been stepped on by a famous man!

Progress

Blog Entry by TJam

I am absolutely not writing this in a bragging way. And before you say it mum, yes I do know pride comes before a fall, which is partly why I am not writing it in a bragging way. Consider it a stunned, celebratory way.

We have just got back from the beach. And I don't have anything hilarious and funny to tell you.

No real escapades, Chips had a tiny grumble at an off lead dog walking up to her while she was on the lead. Beanz visited a family eating a packet of crisps. Whoopie doo. Big fat hairy deal.

Prior to this, we walked for 2 hours up and down a busy beach and they completely ignored all the other dogs including a pack of 10 on one side, coming at us on the other side, and us walking calmly down the middle. Then a horse cantered by. Sorry, no funny story to tell. Both dogs stayed with me (small treat permitted). Then, someone ELSE'S dog, barked at it and the owner dropped its extending lead and it went on a merry chase. And my dogs carried on walking. And I breathed normally and we walked calmly through, and there was never a moment when they were going to even think about running.

Today, I was the person I usually stare longingly and admiringly at, thinking, "How does she get her dogs to do that?" And next time I do stare at someone else, I will remember (and please remind me if I don't) that they, too probably have off days, and stories to tell. Their dog maybe pooed they were trying to get money out of the cashpoint, and when they offered to let the next person in the queue go first while they cleared it up, the person said, "It's ok, she's finished now" and just smiled and watched.

Or perhaps their dog has 1 mortal enemy in the world, so it has to stay on the lead, sometimes for whole walks, just in case they bump into that one dog, even though their last fight with any other dog was years ago, when they were fresh out of the rescue centre and wild to the point of rawness.

Or perhaps their dog remembers where people have dropped food and then stands and waits until their owner is more than the critical distance of 5.73m away, so they have time to flip the proverbial bird and turn and bolt back to it before the critical distance is closed down.

Because today, even though I say so myself, we looked good. And I'm sure no one ever suspected that those things could happen to us. Today, my friends, even if it was only today, and never happens again…. We looked like normal dog walkers, out for a stroll on the beach. And if you know us at all, you'll know how special that is.

And then we met Natsta. I have located her leaving work poem and I'm leaving it here for you to enjoy.

And yesterday we went to the fields and had 10am coffee next to 8 other dogs. And nothing happened there either. Natsta is doing fine and it was very nice to see her.

This month's advice to others: if you own a van, invest in getting someone else to polish it for you. Unless you want your arms to ache so much that you're not sure if you will even be able to lift the key to get back into the house. You have been warned.

Farewell Natsta:

There was a young woman called Nat
Who looked very good in a hat.
A fab SLT,
Made a great cup of tea
And you don't get much better than that.

Nattie worked at Tanfield School
Where they all thought she was very cool
Then she said, "Folks I'm leaving,
I'd rather do feeding
And other fun stuff in Blackpool!"

We said, "Natalie, don't be a chump
Who else will fall down with a bump?
Trip over a stair
Wear a flower in her hair
Or start sneezing and make us all jump?"

Nat said, "Sorry folks, this is my chance
Blackpool's full of bright lights and romance.
It's nice to have met y'all
But I can't afford petrol
And I'm ready to learn a new dance.

So it's sad but we must let her go
Where her talent will shine, stretch and grow
We don't ask for much
But please please stay in touch
And call back for a cuppa and hello.

Holidays

We have been too busy to blog this summer. 

We went to Anglesey and played on the beach.

 We dug holes...

 ... and tugged seaweed...

... until we were too tired to stand...

... then we walked back to the tent...

... for a little lay down in the sun.