Not Death by Chocolate today thank you

Today, I had to take the van to be fixed and it had to stay in.

Meanwhile, I received a lovely Easter present through the post. Two bars of yummy dark chocolate.

When I arrived home, all that was left was the wrappers. Happy Easter TJam.

Even more happy Easter because chocolate is poisonous to dogs. We are not talking grape poisonous. There is no "maybe" in chocolate poisoning. Chips was looking a little uncomfortable (as I would have been if only I had had the chance to eat both my bars of chocolate at the same time). Beanz was fine, leaving me to believe that Chips had not shared nicely.

I phone the vet. The toxic dose for a dog Chips's size is 15g of dark chocolate. Chances were she'd had 20 times that. Time to go for some medicine.

No car, so thank you to Silky for coming to pick us up and take us there.

A dose of medication and the ongoing treatment? Activated charcoal.

To the unitiated, this is what it looks like dry. "Try mixing it with their food" said the vet. YUM. Looks tasty.

Beanz ate her own and then Chips's. I hope you can't overdose on charcoal.

Meanwhile, it was plan B for Chips. By this point I had stopped bothering cleaning things up, so I will tackle the black stuff tomorrow. Since 4 hours worth wouldn't stay down, it was little and often. It has to keep going in until it comes out the other end.

According to my frantic internet search, chocolate poisoning symptoms go:

Vomiting, diarrhea, restlessness, tremours, seizures and possibly death. In there somewhere is also a raised heart beat that can cause heart attack. Not joyful reading.

So, working her way dutifully through the list, Chips started on phase 4, the tremours.

Call in Pin (thank you Pin) who took us back to the vet for an injection of diazepam (that's valium to you and me). Lucky dog. I hadn't even got through the sentence, "How long does it take to work?" before Chips's eyes glazed over and she wobbled to the floor. We came home with instructions of what to look for and what might constitute an emergency.

All praise to the vet, who even offered to come and pick us up and take us to the animal hospital in the night if we couldn't get a lift. That is beyond the call of duty and something you don't hear about these days.

By 10pm, Chips was looking a lot more perky. I don't think we'll be needing the valium tablets. Well, I don't think Chips will be needing them. I will be sleeping downstairs to keep an eye on the patient.

You Are What You Eat

And I am slowly becoming Fish and Brown Rice. If you ever needed evidence, here it is.

Swan Flightpath

Today we had the amazing experience of being at the end of a fishing pond when two swans flew in to land. We were at the end of their runway as they splayed their legs out towards us and prepared for touchdown about 5 metres away from us.

I must admit it made me startle a little bit when we heard the whirring sound of them slowing up but TJam says we are very lucky and most people probably haven't had the opportunity of being at the end of the watery runway when swans land on a pond.

Me, I'm just glad they did actually manage to stop. I've heard a swan can break a man's arm.

Cereal Packets

Would it be so difficult to have the little slit to keep your cereal packet closed at both ends and not just at the top, thus increasing your chance of having a cereal packet that will stay closed by 100% ?

Am I the first person to have thought of this?

If my coco pops fall out of their box I will sue.

Microwave Mystery

For the scientists among you:

How is it possible to heat your hot chocolate in the same mug in the microwave with no problems several times, and then to receive 1st (and small 2nd) degree burns to the index and middle fingers when taking out your lovely, appetising drink? This one will not help me sleep better. The drink itself was not even that hot.

Following mind over matter (brain screams "DROP IT DROP IT" while other part of brain screams, "DON'T DROP IT. HOLD IT AND PUT IT DOWN. If you release the cup you will burn the rest of your body") and quickly (very quickly) slamming cup onto the counter I turned my attention to first aid. Luckily I knew what to do in such an instance. I simply followed the procedure from when my (very young) brother tried to take the jam tarts that had just come out of the oven.

Cheers bro. Every cloud has a silver lining. I have used aggressive cold water treatment. I think the wet cloth in a plastic bag would be excessive in this case.

Indignant

We have had our dog food delivered for 5 years. For 5 years, I have forgotten to bring it in for a couple of days.

Today, I went to get the dog food from out the front.

It had been stolen.

Luckily we have a good friend Ann and I went bucket in hand to tide us over until I could get to the petshop.

I will have to stop having our food delivered from an ethical source and go to the pet shop like everyone else. Is nothing sacred?

Relief

Flat Stanley has been playing a cheeky trick on us. but we don't care because STANLEY IS BACK! in fact he was never away! i came home at lunch time and tried to clear a space on the settee for my student to sit. As I moved a pile of junk, THERE WAS STANLEY.

If none of my friends and readers have betrayed me, those Texas kiddies will be none the wiser. If any of you are treacherous snakes in the grass then at least those innocent little children can dry their eyes and enjoy more adventure of Stanley in England (that's England UK, not New England. It's a small country outside the US on the other side of the map).

I don't know whether to hug Stanley or smack his naughty little bottom for playing such a mean trick. At least I now understand better how my mother felt when I once got lost at St Paul's Cathedral.

Disclaimer: The above penultimate statement was for comic effect. No Stanleys will be harmed in the writing of this blog.

Flat Stanley Goes It Alone

During our weekend, Flat Stanley travelled in several bags and pockets to minimise damage.

When we got home from our lovely weekend (and after we had watched the final of Crufts, wish I had put a bet on) I reached into my bag to retreve Flat Stanley and get a final picture of him arriving safely home.

My blood ran cold as I then searched every bag and pocket. After a round of, "I thought you had him" "No, I thought you had him" I realised that Flat Stanley was still grinning if the ruins of Bolton Abbey.

I have emailed Bolton Abbey, but have had no reply as yet. Teri, if you're reading this, please don't let your son see it! Maybe I can get a clone of FS and no one will be any the wiser. I have emailed the teacher for a template. I can't believe I have let this happen to our guest! He wasn't even wearing a coat.

Yorkshire Dales

This weekend we have been to the Yorkshire Dales. We took Flat Stanley in order to educate him in all things English.

We arrived just outside Pateley Bridge at Springfield Farm. We were greeted by a friendly Mrs Baldwin who doubled in our estimation when we found she had left a plate of cakes for afternoon tea and some chocolates on the mantelpiece. That, and the fact that the cottage was impeccable in every way. We couldn't fault it. There was even a little garden where dogs could go. If it had not been the end of winter, we could also have made use of the garden furnature and the swings. If you are planning a holiday in the Yorkshire Dales, email me and I will give you Mrs Baldwin's phone number.

Anyway, Flat Stanley had several rounds of afternoon tea over the weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, so we could walk the dogs for miles. Given our recent sheep experiences, the dogs stayed mostly on the lead.

We saw a small miracle. A little lamb that had just been born and was standing for the first time and drinking for the first time. While the mother ate the afterbirth. Yes, you heard right. That herbivore was eating raw flesh. Nature is a mystery but I'm told she knows best. Then another sheep went over to say hello.

We walked to Brimham Rocks. They are 3 million years old or something, and very very impressive. Some of them are balanced on a tiny stone but they don't fall over.

By the time we came down the hill, the mummy and lamb were gone. I can only hope they had been taken in by the farmer for warmth and shelter, and not that lamby had gone straight into a casserole.

On the way home from our little holiday, we stopped at Bishop's Abbey and had a lovely walk. Flat Stanley had his photo taken on the ruins.
We arrived home tired, happy and refreshed.

Guess Who's Here

Yup, the long awaited Flat Stanley is here! He was waiting for us on the doormat when we got back from our walk.

I popped him through the laminator to keep him safe in this house of savages, and then introduced him to a nice cup of tea. How very English. He has written a letter to the children in Texas and is looking forward to his adventures in Europe (and maybe beyond).

Ideas for anything Stanley can try and report back on? Leave a suggestion in the comments. Clean ones only please.

Wating for Flat Stanley

We are waiting for Flat Stanley in the post. He has posted himself from Texas and is looking forward to adventures in the North West of England. He wants to have his photo taken and send it back to his friends in the States.

I hope he can understand our accent.

A New Emotion

TJam is having a new emotion today.

VERY PROUD OF CHIPS

She took me to the new agility class. I did not get stressed. I sniffed faces with 3 other dogs on the lead and I did all the equipment. At first I didn't realise I was supposed to stay on the plank 5 foot off the ground and I kept jumping off. In the end, I got the hang of it.

A small border terrier got free and came for my throat. I used reasonable force to protect myself but nothing more. No blood was shed. When they caught the border, I let the whole matter drop and asked for a treat and thought no more about it.

I looked normal the whole time and the teacher said I can soon come off the lead.

Uncle Gardener's Party

This weekend we have all been down south to celebrate Uncle Gardener's 70th birthday.

Congratulations to the youthful Uncle Gardener and well done to the whole team for turning a small, sticky bar area into a balloon and streamer packed, candlelit, tableclothed party place.

The food was fab. I particularly liked the 2 labels on the food for us funny eaters.
1. vegetable rice (a bowl of rice with vegetables)
2. "contains garlic" (the mini pizzas)

I could only deduce from this that the rest of the food was not vegetable rice, and/or did not contain garlic. Or, I suppose, that Auntie Gardener ran out of labels :)

It was great for us to all get together. I loved it when people asked me, "How do you know G?". Inside I said, "what, Uncle Gardener you mean? The clue is in the name" and on the outside I said "He's my uncle."

There was plenty of, "Last time I saw you, you were this high, running naked round the garden covered only in red indian body paint" (I hasten to add that the, "this high" they were referring to dates the incident to about 1978, and at the time we had not heard of the term, "Native American Indian").

Now, I am a fairly open-minded kinda gal, so I wasn't phased when my cousin told me that his 3 year-old son may not answer to the name "T" at the moment. So as not to commit a social faux pas, I asked what name he was going by at that time.

Lily.

As it turned out, when Lily arrived, s/he was no longer Lily, but Princess Leia, which I shortened to, "Princess". The princess didn't seem to mind that and we had a good game of balloon sword fighting.

So all in all, a fabulous party and we went for Chinese all you can eat on Sunday.

Thank you Uncle and Auntie Gardener for inviting me!

Dr Chips researches again (so soon)

10 day old baked beans with mould on.

No news is good news

By Dr Chips - PhD (Dr of Phood)

I am Banned from Scientific Research

Today I have been banned from scientific research.

If you search the internet, you will see that grapes can be poisonous for dogs. Luckily, the word is "can", not definitely "is".

I did research this area once before and ate a bag of grapes. I also ran the gauntlet with nuts and raisins a couple of times. At the time, TJam thought it was funny, because she didn't know that grapes can cause acute kidney failure and death.

So today she was not laughing when she washed a bag of grapes and left them to dry on the side, and then went to work. She was not laughing when she came home and they were gone, and so was half a punnet of cherry tomatoes, which it turns out, can also be poisonous for dogs.

The internet recommeded agressive vetenary intervention, but 7 hours had already passed and I was fine and ate my tea and went for a walk. I didn't even have the decency to vomit. And those were expensive and tastey grapes and TJam had been looking forward to them.

I would like to add the results of my experiment to the growing body of research as one of the "a bag of grapes is not poisonous to all dogs" contibutions to add balance to this field.

However, I will not be allowed to research this area again.

Mould on mould

I'm guessing that mould growing on the mushrooms in your fridge is not a good sign

Ta da!

Ladies and Gentlemen

I present to you one scarf, modelled by the lovely Bamgee.

25 stitches at one end and 25 stitches at the other.

Knitted by my own fair hand.

Ta da indeed.

New Hobby

(Carlsberg fans will be glad to know that she has reclaimed her place on the bed, a sure sign that she is feeling better. So she should be after 2 injections of antibiotics.)

I have a new hobby. Or rather, I have reactivated an old one, but I hope that, 30 years on, I will be better at it.Here is a picture of my first attempt at knitting. You will see that I started with 5 stitches at point A, and then seemed to think every thread was a stitch, until my scarf for teddy doubled its size (B). Mum probably pointed out to me that you don't split the wool, and so my scarf went on a diet (point C) before becoming some kind of fraying giant, at which point I gave up (point D).

So, here I am, embarking on another scarf. I started with 25 stitches and so far (into my 2nd ball now) I still have 25 stitches.

Are you impressed?

Dangerous Dogs? - by Carlsberg

This blog is not a political one. Unless you count the (shortlived) "let dogs sleep in a double bed on a memory foam matress" campaign politcal.

But TJam did promise Linda a link to the 10 Downing Street Petition against legislating against dogs because of the breed they are. Because in this house, we believe it is the way a dog is raised and treated that affects the way it behaves, and although breed influences part of this, the breed of a dog absolutely does not make it bad. The Kennel Club, The Association of Pet Dog Trainers, The Blue Cross and Victoria Stillwell off the tele all think this too. So Linda, click here to sign the petition. You might also was to look at this website: Deed not Breed. We advise you don't watch the video unless you have plenty of tissues handy.

And now I will get off my soapbox and go out and get in a fight so that when TJam comes home tomorrow she will find blood on the duvet and I will be hiding under the bed. Then, she can worry all night before she can ring the vet on Monday morning.

Our SNOW (part 2)

WE GOT IT!

We had to walk up a big hill to get it, but it was worth it. Deep lovely white snow! The drifts came over TJam's wellies (very fine wellies they are turning out to be). I kept eating it and charging around in it (while eating it). I was soaked and so very very happy.

Now we are down, the snow has changed to rain but nothing can take away our lovely snow of the morning.

Our snow

WHERE IS IT?

The dogs and I are very disappointed at only a sprinking of icing sugar over the ground. Hardly enough to even leave footprints in. Meanwhile, the rest of the country has ground to a halt.

We didn't move to the north west for sunshine and tropical conditions you know. and now we have the best weather in the country. What's going on?

I will have to save my, "Sorry I can't come in to work, I'm snowed in" excuse for another day. There had better be another day. I am having snowman withdrawal symptoms.

All nighter

Since we have an apt photo below of the bathroom in the floor, you don't need to use your imagination to know where I spent most of last night after a run-in with a nasty little stomach virus, generously shared by the kids from school I should think. My stint was broken by Beanz deciding she needed to go out in the garden. With careful timing and judgement I managed to time the garden run and still make it back to sit on the bathroom floor once again.

Having been raised on the motto, "if you can stand you can go to school" I sometimes find it hard to judge if I am ill enough to stay home. But not today. This one was a no-brainer.

You may wonder how comes I am well enough to blog. Well, I wouldn't have, but that I needed to get a phone number off the computer and then I thought I would share my tale of woe before I go back to bed.

"To Do" List - by Chips

Sit in window when TJam goes to work. Check.
Surf kitchen counters. Check.
Visit stairgate to see if it might have become undone. Check.
Nose stairgate to double check the latch is secure. Check
Dance with glee when stairgate opens. Check.
Eat cat's dry food. Check
Lick cat's wet food bowl. Check
Go to bathroom bin, empty and chew up all old empty sachets of catfood. Check.
Strew rubbish over bathroom, landing, stairs and bedroom. Check.

Run all over the lovely double bed. Have little look out of window to make sure no one is heading home. Say hello to Carlsberg. Check.

Find all the treats father Christmas gave us and that TJam had stored upstairs so they would last. Check.
Eat 2 packets of Turkey and Cranberry bones, one raw hide boot, 3 lolly shaped chews and a packet of cat treats. Share with Beanz (but not too much). Check.
Come downstairs, go to sleep and look hungry when TJam comes home for lunch. Check.
Have lunch. check.
Wag tail innocently when TJam goes upstairs.
Look fat for the rest of the day. Check.

Dog + Chile =

= a big disappointment actually.

I left a fresh chili out on the kitchen counter. I was hoping Chips would steal it and then eat it, and do a cartoon style "steam coming out of the ears" thing. Then (the theory went) she would never steal off the kitchen counter again, having learnt her lesson.

What actually happened was that I came home to find a chili on the dog's bed, which had a little nibble out of the top. If there had been any steam coming out of the ears, it had long evaporated. Chips hadn't even drunk any more water than usual. And there's certainly no sign of a stop to the counter surfing.

Star

Today, we had a visit from the lovely Star. It was great to catch up on old times and have a short trip down memory lane. Then Pin called for lunch. It was only a shame I had to go to work or we could have chatted all day. Come again soon Star!

Black Panthers

I learnt an interesting fact today that I want to share.

Apparently, black panthers are not a breed of big cat. They are a black version of any big cat eg leopard, puma etc (I put etc because I don't know exactly which breeds are included; "etc" is there to hide my ignorance). Black pantherism is a genetic mutation shared by some big cats that makes them grow in a black version of themselves. They are then known as black panthers.
Curiouser and curiouser.

I also wonder what kind of cat Baghera in Mowgli was.

From Mr Jingles

Mr Jingles, my faithful teddy bear, was saddened to read that Merrythought Toys have gone into liquidation. He felt moved to write to the Director of the company, Mr Oliver Holmes.

Dear Mr Oliver Holmes

My name is Mr Jingles. You probably don’t remember me. Merrythought made me in 1971 and I went to live with my owner and best friend, TJam. Here is a picture of us together in that first year.

I am now 36 years old and have been with TJam ever since.

I have been a loyal and reliable friend to her. A bear to laugh with, a bear to cry on. A bear to cuddle. A bear to dress up and feed pretend cups of tea to. I have been to teddy bears’ picnics and midnight feasts. I have sat patiently through mumps, measles and chicken pox. I have witnessed (minimal) revision, sleepovers and late night drinking sessions. I have been camping and I have guarded the bed when TJam went travelling and I was too precious (and big) to make the journey with her. I have sat on top of the wardrobe for my own protection when TJam got a puppy. I have shared the top of the wardrobe with the cat. I am told I have a wonderful smell that always makes TJam feel happy.

TJam has been very careful with me. My only mishap was losing the label on my foot, and I have a few thinning patches around my seams and muzzle from plentiful hugs and kisses.

TJam and I were very upset to read that your company had to go into liquidation. We both think you have offered a wonderful service and it is so sad that others won’t be able to experience what we have.

Mr Oliver Holmes, thank you for making me. I am having a wonderful life. I am looking good for 36 don’t you think?

We are really sorry about your company but please know that what you have provided us with is priceless.



With thanks, very best wishes and much respect




Mr Jingles
(and TJam)

I'm an Angel - by Chips

Today, TJam is not sure if she will be doing yoga.

This is not because of some spiritual crisis, but because she has slipped down a muddy slope. She slipped down a muddy slope because Beanz has cornered a sheep that had escaped from the field and was barking in its face.

Beanz's redeaming feature was that when we eventually located her (from the shrill barking), having run down the world's steepest hill, back up the world's steepest hill, along the ridge and down the slippery, muddy bank, TJam shouted, "LEAVE IT" and then "COME" and Beanz did actually come back. It took all TJam's self control to praise her. Then TJam's heart slowly resumed normal beating and colour returned to her cheeks when the danger of Beanz getting shot had gone back down to zero.

I was very good and ran by TJam's side throughout the whole kerfuffle. I waited while TJam lifted Beanz over the fence. We are all glad the farmer didn't shoot Beanz, who will be spending a lot more time on the lead.

We think that with a sore throat from shouting and a stiff neck and knee from slipping, we have got off very lightly.

(Fans of sheep will be glad to know that the sheep ran off unharmed).

Postcard from the Past

I was sorting through some old stuff today, when I found this postcard. My mum's best friend sent it to her some time in the very early 70s. Mum and I spent hours looking at it and discussing what everyone was doing. You can probably tell from the creases. We would point to the man in the pool and say, "Oooh look, it's Daddy!" and then pretend we knew the other people as well. Of course, I was too young to pretend. I thought it really was Daddy, and I have only just realised that it couldn't have been.

A busy week

By Beanz

This week I have nearly caught a fox (I was this close), chased two deers, been to agility again and got moved up a class and now I am playing with a toy (whilst writing this, obviously) and waiting for TJam to drink her tea and take me for a walk.

Chips has broken a glass, chased deer with me and won a Guide Dog Puppies 2007 calendar for walking to heel at training.

TJam has done very little and it is time she cleaned the house. Even us dogs are beginning to notice.

Meanwhile, in the gales, our guttering blew half down and two fence panels are out at the back. Yesterday it tried to snow.

It all happens around here.

Agility

Tonight we went to a new agility class. It was amazing. I loved it. I practically pulled TJam's arm out of its socket to get on the see-saw, plank thing (about 5 foot high) and the A frame (very high). I LOVED it. So did TJam.

Now we are home I keep sitting in front of TJam to see what's happening next.

At the moment, nothing is happening.

By Beanz

Benny

We have got a new dog gang friend. Benny. He is pretty cool and I did not bark at him. He has moved in to Ron and Ann's and is rearranging their lives for them, as is a rescue dog's duty.

This week, I reminded TJam of this by chewing chunks off the settee cushion. It is nowhere near as impressive as the last time so TJam didn't bother taking a picture. You can imagine 10 bite shaped chunks of light green foam lying on the floor. You can also imagine that TJam's boss called round and witnessed the scene. We are not good business accessories.

By Chips

Free to a Good Home

Two black do.... nah, just kidding.

Free to a good home:
one TV guide dated 6th-12th January. I accidentally bought two.

Please send expressions of interest to me, preferably before the 12th. Well, you can send expressions of interest after the 12th but you have to tell me what you want it for after that date.

Testing a Hypothesis

Today I got out of the other side of my bed to see if it affected my mood. Which it didn't. So that's another wives tale blown out of the water.

Chocolate withdrawal

Happy New Year everyone!

Today was a day of desperation. I was having chocolate withdrawal so badly that I convinced myself I could eat a coffee creme. Usually I am more likely to eat my own fingers than touch a coffee creme, but as I said, it was a desperate situation.

So I ate the coffee creme and it kind of tasted ok.

Gotta kick this chocolate habit in 2007.

Index 2006

In January, Marion came to visit, the hoover regained its suck and I took photos up Rivington. In February, the allotment got trashed. In March, TJaM went to Crufts, the humans got Norovirus, the dogs ate a hare and it was TJam's brother's 30th.

In April, ducks took up residence outside our house and Beanz got her Kennel Club bronze citizen award. In May, TJam and Bamgee had a party, we all went to visit Noisette and Carlsberg threw a worm up on the carpet (no photos!). In June we got a new allotment, Mrs Chilled and Mr Chilled got married, Noisette got her PhD, Carlsberg wandered and then got an abscess and Chips got her Kennel Club Bronze citizen award.

July was dominated by the cat. Radical action was taken for her abscess then she escaped and then went awol. JoeyM got married. I didn't write anything for August, but we went camping in Anglesey. In September we went to a garden party.

In October TJam went to the States and in November, a Barn owl sat on her shoulder. We went to Cazza's 40th birthday celebrations and Jean Michel came to stay. In December we had fabulous Christmas celebrations.

M6 Toll

On our drive down to London,TJam was feeling mean, and the roads were empty, so we decided we would not take the M6 Toll. We were lucky to live to regret it. I bet they haven't done any repairs on the M6 since... well, ever. It must be part of their ploy to get everyone paying the toll. As it was, with all the pot holes and concrete slabs around Birmingham, we were lucky to survive with only mild concussion. The Christmas presents did make it home in tact.

Today we made good use of the M6 Toll, while we could still get it for £3.50. It will be £4 as of 1st Jan, but it is a small price to pay to avoid serious head injury and motion sickness.

Liqueur

Liqueur, Mr Liqueur and Piglet came for lunch. It was very nice, and thank you to TJam's mum for cooking a lovely spread. Sadly, no food fell on the floor so the dogs went hungry once again. Boo hiss.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Here is a picture you won't see very often. All the human family sat around the table. It was taken shortly before TJam's brother nearly joined the horrific statistics of the 3 people per year who lose an eye by champagne cork. As it was, he got away with minor bruising and wetness.

We've had a fabulous Christmas. Us animals got loads of presents that we would like to eat straight away, but which the humans are rationing. Meanwhile, they are stuffing their faces.

Luckily, the decoration project of the house hasn't moved on, so we are all sleeping downstairs. Beanz and I are making the most of diving under the covers and sleeping comfortably with TJam.

Rolling - by Chips

Today has been a day for rolling. Rolling on tufts of grass, rolling in smells, rolling in fox poo. I love rolling. I love dancing around the smell, wagging my tail, dropping my left shoulder, changing my mind, dropping my right shoulder and scooting my neck across the floor. I love getting up and doing it all over again. And again. And again.

Today has been a day for having a bath. I do not love having a bath.

Merry Alternative Christmas!

Today, TJam and Bamgee celebrated their alternative Christmas. They had nut roast and brussel sprouts. Us dogs had a hide chew, but Chips didn't eat hers. They must be a dodgy batch. I had 2.

Bamgee gave TJam a mini trampoline. TJam has always wanted a trampoline, ever since she saw a display (in which a girl fell and hurt her neck) at the Walnuts Trampoline Club in 1976. Now her dreams have come true. Here is Bamgee, giving a demonstration in her new Christmas wellies.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Old Friend

I got a Christmas card from Anna today. Anna, my lovely friend who I ate more bowls of peanuts, raisins and chocolate chips with in the name of A level revision, than I care to remember. She kept my secret: that I never actually read or understood, "Nostromo", even though I wrote a full 4 page essay on it. We cycled to school together. She went to youth band and was in the relay team. Last year, my card to her was returned as a "not known at this address. Addressee has moved".

So Anna, if you're reading this, please email me so I can write to you! I miss you and I think of you often. And congratulations on your life and beautiful children :)

Wellies

Hooray. TJam's lovely new wellies have arrived. She has been wellieless for 2 weeks and it has not been fun. Trainers lined with carrier bags just don't compare.

These are Muckboots and we have to say, they are like walking on air, apparently. They are also safe from -20 to +75 degrees but we hope TJam never has to test them. I hope they go better than the muddies that she wore through in 3 months and had to be replaced after 6. Unfortunately she left them in a pub near Shrewsbury where they went missing. Good luck to the people who took them. I'd say they had a few weeks left in them. They also didn't have any kind of sole. These new ones have proper soles so TJam won't slip over in the mud. Well, hopefully not.

We are now going out to christen them. They are the best boots TJam has ever had so far.

Towels

Note to TJam: Do not confuse your own blue towel that you take swimming, with the blue dog towel.

The first she knew of this was when she got a face full of fur after her lovely shower. Our apologies to the cleaners at the pool, especially around the shower and drying area. TJam did her best to remove most of the black dog hairs that fell onto the floor. Without sharing too much information, suffice to say that her whole body looks like she needs a shave and her clothes are feeling very itchy all over.

Mystery Benefactor

Today I received a shopping voucher for £5. It came from Leeds. I have no idea who it is from. Thank you to the mysterious sender.

I hope it is not my agenda for change backpay.

Funny or Mortifying?

TJam was involved in making a video about a charity. It was all going so well. Her t-shirt is faded and grey, so she had squeezed into a 10-year old child's t-shirt so to match everyone else.

After 5 minutes of filming, the video guy said to her, "Do you want to nip to the bathroom and sort your hair out?"

Being a believer that it is what's on the inside that counts, and having been raised to believe that vanity is the worst of sins, TJam said it was ok. It was hard to stick to her principles when clearly she looked rough as ... something very rough.

He said, "OK then, but this is for posterity you know"

TJam thought it was funny, but when she's told people, they have been mortified on her behalf. She still thinks it is funny.

Children Disappointed Worldwide

Santa is dead.

I know this because his 10 foot inflatable remains are lying in my next-door-but-one neighbours' garden.

I might invest in a puncture repair kit.

Dishwasher

We had this really cool little dog food carrier. It held just enough food for 2 dogs for 2 days, and the 2 little bowls sloted snugly on each end. It had a little handle to carry it. It was very handy and very well used.

TJam thought it might go nicely in the dishwasher to get cleaned.

We now have a half size, unshapely pile of plastic. Think big, see through clay coil-pot shape (the kind you made when you were 5 years old). TJam thinks we don't know. But we do.

Eating Raw - by Chips

For a while now, TJam has pondered feeding us dogs a raw diet. This seems to be very controversial, which is why she hasn't dared to do it yet, wanting more information and more evidence. Carlsberg catches her own natural diet and doesn't seem any the worse for it. I digress.

We went to Rivington today. I found a dead sheep and ate its leg. TJam couldn't get anywere near me. I just kept running and crunching til I'd finished it.

I have been fine since. I consider it being proactive. The more times I eat raw and am fine, the more evidence for our case of decent and varied food, not a bowl of dried kibble. Victoria Stillwell from "It's me or the dog" says that dogs should have variation so they don't get bored.

So TJam, LISTEN UP! Remember the time Beanz and I ate the hare? WE WERE FINE! Remember that squirrel? FINE. The thing that looked like a human foot? Fine. (Well, I was fine, Beanz threw hers up at the vet after she got spayed and they kept it in a see through plastic bag to shame you when you went to pick her up.) But all in all, we eat carcusses and are fine. Please give us more carcasses.

Good Trains

In other news, TJam managed to be standing on the platform of a station 15 minutes before her train was due to leave, yet not see the train standing there, or anyone getting onto it, and only realised 10 minutes after it had pulled out of the station (if it was ever really there, which she doubts, but the Guard says it was so it's his word against TJam's!).

We must commend Virgin for their flexible handling of the situation. They let TJam get on the next train, even though she had paid for a reserved seat. That's not the kind of service she was expecting. So instead of, "you missed it. You'll have to buy another ticket", it was, "You can get the next train instead". Wow. It's a long time since she wrote (or even thought) anything nice about train travel. Maybe things have taken a turn for the better. Anyway, credit to Virgin.

What's worse than...

Mrs Chilled and TJam shared a room for the while volunteering at the weekend. As they were just about to go to bed, there was a shriek, and there, between Mrs Chilled's 2 pillows, was a faded pink, flowery, nylon nightie that smelt of an elderly woman.

She phoned down and they delivered clean sheets.

They were struggling to see a bright side to all this, until Bamgee pointed out (via text) that at least there was noone actually in the nightie. Suddenly it seemed like somehow they'd got off lightly.

Organised Friends

We got our first Christmas card today. It was made by the lovely Liqueur and my not-goddaughter. Now that is organised.

Words to the Wise

When eating Weetbix:
1. Put on enough milk
2. Don't sneeze

When you buy a new towel:
Wash it before you use it (unless you want to be covered in towel flavoured fluff)

When drinking coffee in a meeting with your manager:
Don't hold it by slipping your thumb through the handle or it might slip and spill all over you.

Please add on you little tips in the comments box. They must have been learnt through bitter experience.

Life's Disappointments

...discovering that you are looking at last week's TV guide.

Yesterday I spent all day looking forward to "It's me or the Dog" only to be greeted by "How Clean is your House?" This morning I discovered the reason why.

The only consolation was that there was a Monk on that I have never seen before.

So the evening was not all bad.

Cat bite (yet again)

I have been to the vet again today. Another bite to my tail.

I felt better after my anti-inflammatory injection and I managed to eat my tea when I got home.

Barn Owl

Today at work, I had a Barn Owl on my shoulder. It was just amazing. Just amazing. The man from the Owl Sanctuary was visiting and doing a demonstration. He said, "Here, hold this" and next thing, I was holding Paulie the owl. She was so soft and light, and her huge claws didn't hurt at all. And she was right next to my face.

I remembered the book, "Plop, the Owl who was afraid of the Dark"

Wow. Owls are amazing.

Sign of the Times

On Saturday afternoon, we went to Bishop's Castle for the Lights Festival. It was all very traditional, with a Santa's Grotto, street stalls and a roasting hog.

As the children huddled around a Punch and Judy show, we marvelled at how youngsters don't really need technology and computer graphics to enjoy themselves; that they can still be held, awestruck, by ugly puppets and a funny voice. (Of course, there was a disclaimer before the show, that only Mr Punch is allowed to hit people with a stick, because he is only being funny, but we all know that it is wrong to hit people with sticks, don't we boys and girls?)

Our marvelling didn't last long. Mr Punch didn't get to lay a finger on Judy. The sausages had to be retrieved from the hands of a young boy, a gang of 4-8 year olds started jumping up at the booth to get a touch of Mr Punch and one boy started hitting it with a christmas tree branch. Mr Punch and Judy called off the show.

Happy pre-birthday Cazza

Happy pre-birthday to the lovely Cazza who will be 40 in one month. She is lucky to share her birthday with Father Christmas. We all went down to Shrewsbury for a suprise party, expertly arranged by Mr Cazza.

Visitors and windscreens

JM has been staying with us. This picture was taken when it was still funny that JM had dropped the arm of the windscreen wiper onto the windscreen and chipped it. TJam was reassured that it was "absolutely nothing. Nothing at all" and JM was admiring his handiwork at having replaced the windscreen wipers without looking at the instructions.

This picture was taken before said windscreen wiper came half off on the M60 at night in the rain.

This picture was taken before TJam discovered a crack on the windscreen. Before JM said that it certainly and categorically wasn't there the night before, and that "something bizarre" must have happened.

This picture was taken when TJam was still smiling about it. It was certainly a lot funnier before she had to fork out seventy five quid to replace the whole windscreen, which, incidentally, now is part of the structure of a vehicle.

And apparently, it remains a mystery how the screen got cracked. To me, it seems a lot easier to solve than the peanuts and raisins incident but no one is admitting responsibility.

500g-300g=200g

Yesterday, TJam came home to find a glass jar, previously containing 500g of nuts and raisins, with a very very low level of nuts and raisins, but the screw top lid still on. She looked at it and looked at it again, and wondered aloud if she had eaten so many of them in only one day. She looked at me a few times, but the lid was back on. She said she thought I had done it but she had no proof.

By this morning I had prepared her proof. She set to with the mop and bucket, muttering that if she had wanted to see things like this she would have worked in a chocolate peanut brittle factory. But she will never know how I got the lid off and back on again. And neither will you.

Happy Halloween

Happy late Halloween. Catching up on October doesn't seem to be happening on the October page, but I'm too proud of this little creation to just let it go by without comment. I still have pumpkin soup in the freezer. Thank you Auntie Ann for the recipe.

Washing collars

Yesterday, TJam washed our collars. Washed our collars I ask you! So the only decent thing to do was to roll in fox poo, come home and wipe it on my bed. I smell gorgeous.

Typical

Isn't it typical that, now I have a superduper new blog that is easy to post to, absolutely nothing has happened. It has rained. My windscreen wipers need changing. Why do we never think about windscreen wipers when it is dry, and when it rains, it is too late? *drums fingers*

New look Blog

TJam has been working very hard on her blog for a while now, trying to work out a new format and all. She hasn't got the hang of pictures yet. She was so excited about the changes that she was awake at 5am thinking about it. I took the opportunity to purr by her head and pat her face to ask for food, but she wasn't having any of it.

Speaking of food, Bamgee brought my a pouch of food from Russia. I have no idea what it said on the packet, but I gamely got stuck in and ate the whole thing, and no ill effects yet.

Anyway, let TJam know what you think of the new look. You can now COMMENT on posts. Hooray. And TJam will work on the photo thing. And then she is going to put a password on the old posts so you can only read the archives if you know her. She is getting paranoid about how much stuff is on here.

Animals in on the Act

Sssssshhhhh don't tell TJam, but us animals have worked out how to post in this blog, so we can keep you up to date on what is REALLY happening, not what TJam wants you to think.

Hooray.

Exotic Town

I have noticed recently, a disproportionate number of Exotic Pet Shops in Our Town. I have seen 3 today. There is one almost everywhere you go. Admittedly, one was a front for a drugs trade, but no sooner had that one shut down than a new one opened just down the road.



Clearly exotic pet shops are vital. In one central parade of shops today, it went:

Launderette, Off Licence, Mr Chan's Chinese Takeaway, Pizza Shop, Bookmakers, Sweet Shop, Exotic Pet Shop (tortoises, reptiles, parrots...). The greengrocers has closed down. It's interesting where priorities lie, especially in the high-rise part of town.



In other news, we met Lynda, clicker lady today, who said the dogs have come on. And so have I. So that's good news :)

New Neighbours

Today, we got new neighbours on the left.

We were very sorry to say goodbye to Gaz, Karen and bernes. They were good neighbours, and we will miss them. They haven't taken their trampoline with them yet. I expect they will come back to pick it up, but there is still time for me to sneak into the garden under the cover of darkness and have a little bounce.

Cover me Down the Chippy

It all happens around here. This evening I went to the chip shop. Not the local one, because that is only open Wednesday and Thursday evenings. Why would you open a chip shop on a Monday, Friday or Saturday evening after all. Who would eat chips then.

There was a police car on the corner outside. I went in and joined the queue for chips (there's always a healthy queue at an Our Town chippy).

There was a child in the queue, who went to stand by the door, at which point the owner advised the child not to go outside as there was a "gunman in the area". Police had done a door to door to make sure there were no children in the street and had been parked up on the corner all afternoon. Clearly it is acceptable for adults to get shot.

So I paid for my chips, shouted,"Cover me!" and did a Cagney and Lacey run back to the van. Actually, I just made that last part up. I just paid for my chips and came home, and Noisette came for tea.

Trying something new

Well, some of you may have noticed that we've had a few problems uploading our pages these last couple of months. So I have decided to have a try at using this format to see how it goes.

New month, new start.

Those of you who were disappointed with my lack of phototaking at the last "worm in cat vomit" incident will be glad to know that I was on the ball on the most recent occassion, and i will share it with you as soon as I can work out the technology... Brace yourselves.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here with the tv on and a CD to try and mask any firework noises.

Lucky Escape

Today, TJam was amusing herself before her flight home, and she sat down in a lovely park. The above police car drove along the path and slowed down.

Officer of the Law: *waves*
TJam: *waves back*
Officer of the Law: How are you?
TJam: Good (see how she picked up the lingo in under a week), thank you (ever polite)
Officer of the Law: *gets out of car and walks towards TJam*
TJam: Am I doing wrong?
Officer of the Law: (thoughtfully) I don't ..... thiiiiiiiiiink so.... You're wearing a blue shirt, not a green shirt.
TJam: Oh good

Officer of the Law: Have a good day *Turns and walks back to his vehicle*
TJam: You too (she's so gangsta)
Officer of the Law: *Drives off*
TJam: *doesn't have to accompany said officer to the station. Or produce any papers. Which was a blessing as she didn't have any on her*

The end.

Halloween American Style

During their stay, Gingerted and TJam have been impressed with the Americans' Halloween decorations. When they first arrived, they thought that a 9 foot high inflatable pumpkin, spider and ghosts was the wildest thing we had ever seen, but that has been kicked into insignificance by the home made illuminated graveyard (playing organ music) with scream emitting headstones, a werewolf on the roof and moving ghouls (with genuine skulls) hanging from the trees.

Reunion

Apparently TJam has been partying all weekend to celebrate 15 years of the camp she worked at. It sounds like great fun: pool, dancing, laughing, speeches, and catching up with friends.

Only service dogs were allowed, which Beanz and I definitely are not.

Chips v. Catfood

At first, it was Chips 1, Catfood 0 but now it is looking more like 1 all. Not so funny now, when my ribs look like I've swallowed a football. TJam has a plentiful supply of pine floor cleaner, ready for the morning.

MP3 Player

TJam got an MP3 player today, for her trip the States. She spend 10 minutes downloading all her music onto it and 45 minutes working out how to put the carry strap on.

Computer Up and Running

It's ok everyone, you can stop worrying. We have had some trouble uploading our blog due to some technical hitches. Did you notice how I slipped in that bit of jargon? For TJam's mum's information, a blog is short for weB LOg. See what the techie freaks have done? Made a single word out of two words.... clever huh?

Anyway, it seems that yet again, our attempt at an August blog has been foiled. Aug 2005 looks like it's never going to happen, so we'll have a go with Aug 2006, but if it doesn't appear by November, don't go looking for it.

Dear Slug

We don't know where you live. Nor do we know where you got the idea that it is ok to snuffle around our kitchen counter every night and slime everywhere. You are mistaken and this has got to stop.

Garden Party

Today we, and all our friends from Rivington, were invited to Archie's garden party. Everyone was there, B1, Chester, Fallon, Jake, Jeff, Vinnie, Rosie, Nero, Archie and us. It was quite a squeeze.

The humans had lovely food expertly prepared by Mary and Bernard, and there were bacon flavoured bubbles provided by the bubble machine. Sorry B1, no scones for dogs :(

Country Smells

Living in the country is very nice and we wouldn't change it. The farmer spraying his crops with chicken excrement is great for dogs and not very nice for humans. They do not like hanging their washing outside to dry with that smell. Nor do they like going to a meeting wearing clothes that have dried outside in the country at this time of year.

Looks like TJam learnt a lesson today.

Summary of July

Brain capacity spent worrying about the cat = 80%
Time spent thinking about living on a narrow boat = 20%
If you wanted anything else out of us this month...
maybe August.

Reunion

Let us now draw a line under this cat episode. Last evening, we went for a walk, calling along the vicarage wall. Then we came home. About 2 minutes later, we got a phone call from our friendly neighbour saying, "We think your cat is here. We heard you calling and then she ran through the garden!" Leads on in 10 seconds flat, Bamgee made a dash for the treats, and we went up, called, and Carls popped up onto the vicarage wall. Another call and she came over meouwing. She was a bit jumpy but we picked her up and carried her home.

2 pouches and half a dish of dried food later, examination revealed her wounds to be healed and her to be in general good health. She was just a bit wide eyed, jumpy and very very very hungry.

We will never know whether she intended to come home or not, or whether she just got disorientated and decided to stay where she knew she was surviving. there are a million other possibilities

She has slept on the landing all night and is calmer this morning. She asked for food at 2am and again this morning (some things never change).

Nicole (our vet), your work wasn't in vain and to our neighbours, thank you for your informative phone calls that lead to this recovery.

End of this installment (I hope).

In other news, Bamgee is having building work done on her house, and Dr Noisette came round and we had a lovely afternoon.

Sighting

Lots of exciting things have happened in the past couple of days.

On Sunday we spent all day walking along the canal looking at boats and stopping off at the pub. Us dogs were very well behaved. TJam has been somewhat pre-occupied though, as Carlsberg hasn't come home since 16th July. TJam has delivered fliers to her neighbours and someone has phoned this evening to say they saw her last night, so at least she is still alive. We have also been told that she usually sunbathes on the farmer's trailer, but that a ginger cat has now taken her place. We keep our paws and fingers crossed.

Wild Week

Carls has had her stitches out, collar off and promplty went awol. TJam says she did not fork out over £300 for her to go missing. They will have words on her return.

On the Mend

Bamgee brought Carlsberg some poorly cat milk. It is like lucozade but for cats. She managed a purr this evening. Carlsberg that is, not Bamgee.

Drain is Out

Hooray!

Nicole, the vet said that she did not swear as per TJam's description of the consultation. TJam agrees that she was probably mistaken but they have agreed to leave it there for dramatic effect.

Quiet Day

Hooray.

9 Lives

TJam barrackaded Carlsberg upstairs and went to work. A clothes airer, a baby gate with 4 inch gaps and a sheet of metal and a box blocking off the catflap. There was no way she was going to make it downstairs anyway wearing her buster collar, and also she could hardly walk.

TJam went off to work and came home at lunch to check on us. She went up to see Carls, but there was no cat there. She looked under the beds, in the cupboards, behind the door... there are only so many places a cat with a buster collar on can hide. No cat. In disbelief, she looked in the garden. No cat. She kept saying, "She MUST be upstairs. She CAN'T have got out. She treble checked and quadrupal checked but no cat.

Finally, she put our collars and leads on. We needed to go out anyway, as I had broken into our holiday supply of dried food. We led TJam down a different path from usual. We walked behind the houses and past a sports car. Beanz got down and started sniffing. TJam had a look under, but she couldn't see anything and pulled us on. Beanz lay on the floor and started wagging her tail and sniffing hard. TJam double checked, and there, right under all the bodywork, was our frightened little cat with her buster collar sprung open.

TJam phoned Pin who came to help. TJam pulled Carls out from under the car and then wrestled her back to the house. Carlsberg did not want to be carried but she had to come home.

She is now sulking upstairs and has a bleeding foot on top of everything else. So she is off to the vet's in a minute for some pain relief and a check over. She was not supposed to jump over the fence 24 hours after surgery so she will probably get a talking to. Or TJam will.

Updated 8pm - the cuts on Carls's paws were from where she HAD BEEN ATTACKED while going outside. The wounds would have become abscesses but for the fact she is already on that many antibiotics. So she had a painkilling injection and came home and is already looking much more spritely. We are optimistic.

Beanz is the queen. She quite possibly saved Carlsberg's life. We are so happy.

Comfortable Night

The Carlsberg fanbase will be pleased to know she spent a comfortable night and even dragged herself up onto the bed twice and fell off it once. She decided to explore and master her lampshade-head-thing at 5am and is a lot brighter now that it is 7am.

TJam has now also learnt how to spell abscess. It's from her hours trawling the internet to look up normal cat respiration rates in her over anxious state at midnight last night after Carls tried to jump off the bed.

All is much brighter this morning, and a big thank you to all our friends who have mailed, texted and phoned. We appreciate it.

Abscess Revisited - with style

Poor Carlsberg has not been feeling at all well over the weekend and yesterday she just laid on the landing all day and night. This morning, TJam took her to the vet, who said, "Sh*t!" (sorry to any under 16s) "Is there any chance she could have been shot?!". Well, there are loads of kids that shoot over the back, so it was a distinct possibility. Carlsberg stayed at the vet for x-ray and surgery.

1pm - the vet has just phoned. It was not a pellet, but huge abscess that stretches from her back, all the way around to her groin. She will need a drain. She can come home tonight.

Evening: this is what she looks like now and we have never seen anything so pathetic.

The drain goes in the top of her back here:

and all the way down to come out of her belly here.

TJam made her a comfy bed, but Carlsberg got up and balanced herself on the cardboard box and fell asleep and that is where TJam has left her. She isn't allowed to be around us dogs because we will try and lick her wounds and we're not allowed.

Carlsberg has to go back to the vet on Wednesday.

Abscess Revisited - with style

Poor Carlsberg has not been feeling at all well over the weekend and yesterday she just laid on the landing all day and night. This morning, TJam took her to the vet, who said, "Sh*t!" (sorry to any under 16s) "Is there any chance she could have been shot?!". Well, there are loads of kids that shoot over the back, so it was a distinct possibility. Carlsberg stayed at the vet for x-ray and surgery.

1pm - the vet has just phoned. It was not a pellet, but huge abscess that stretches from her back, all the way around to her groin. She will need a drain. She can come home tonight.

Evening: this is what she looks like now and we have never seen anything so pathetic.

The drain goes in the top of her back here:

and all the way down to come out of her belly here.

TJam made her a comfy bed, but Carlsberg got up and balanced herself on the cardboard box and fell asleep and that is where TJam has left her. She isn't allowed to be around us dogs because we will try and lick her wounds and we're not allowed.

Carlsberg has to go back to the vet on Wednesday.

Wedding Congratulations

Congratulations to Jo and Jon, who got married today. Bamgee and TJam went to their reception and TJam wowed the audience with her medley of the wedding march, love songs and football songs expertly performed on the paper and comb. There was panic during the day when TJam realised her playing skills were very rusty, but constant practice made perfect and it all went well.

Thank Goodness for Insurance

Another trip to the vet for a 2nd lump. He said it felt more like a tumour but since it has appeared at the same time as my war wound, it is too much of a coincidence and he will treat it as another abscess.

However, this one seems more problematic and if it doesn't heal properly I may need surgery. So please keep your fingers crossed that it all heals nicely. Apart from anything else, I hate staying in the house. I hide behind the front door and when people come in, I dart past them to make a break for freedom.

TJam would welcome any advice. She wants to build some kind of airlock.

Abscess

As the title suggests, there are more health issues down on the ranch. Poor old me developed a big lump on my back and was walking funny, so I had to pay a visit to the vet, who whipped the scab of an absess and, well, we'll leave the rest to your imagination. Actually, it is best not to think about it, it will only upset you. TJam was morbidly fascinated.

The vet said I was probably involved in a fight, and from the location of the wound, I was running away. Chips has said she will give me some lessons in self defence.

£41 later and I am injected and armed with a course of antibiotics.

Go Chips!!

Dear Carlsberg

You know as well as I do that if you have a pouch in the morning, you start patting my face at 5am to ask for your breakfast. And you can forget it cos it ain't gonna happen. I must confess to being suspicious. How comes you have just come and sat on my knee AGAIN? Are you even the real Carlsberg or an imposter? I will ask the vet to check your microchip when you go for your next booster.

Anyway, we have more important news now. After 4 years of work, and times of despair, Chips has got her bronze Citizen Award from the Kennel Club. Perhaps I will carry her rosette around in my bumbag so if she gets in a scrap I can whip it out, wave it around and blame the other dog. A special thank you to Gayle, Derrick and Karen who let her into the quieter class even though she wasn't qualified, and who let us work at Chips's pace so she could calm down and chill and, and dare I say it, enjoy herself in class.

Lots of love
TJam

Reply to Letter

Dear TJam

Firstly, I have to say that I was coming home anyway, and your letter didn't make a bit of difference. I am a cat and I will do as I please, as is my feline way.

Please do not think, however, that I am not aware that you are thinking of selling up and leaving the rat race to go and live on a narrow boat. As you well know, boats do not suit cats. You had better stick to your promise that you will not leave until I give sign or signal that it is ok. And please do not think that you will be able to hasten my departure.

Please also do not think that my being extra friendly since I got home and sitting on your knee for the first time this evening is my attempt at winning you round and keeping you on my side.

Lots of love

Carlsberg

PS What about a pouch of catfood in the morning as well as the evening?

Carcass

Firstly, my sincere apologies to those who berated TJam for not photographing the "tapeworm on the carpet" scene. I can only imagine how you are going to take the following news.

Whilst out walking, I dived gleefully into some long grass. TJam smelt me as I came out carrying a decomposing rabbit carcus seething and dripping with maggots. It was a wrestle to prize it from me clamped jaws, but the adrenaline rush helped her no end. And the sorry thing about all this, was that TJam's first thought was, "I haven't got my camera!" What does that say about her?

Letter

Dear Carlsberg

I am sorry we left you for the weekend and went down to London. I was careful to leave out your favourite food and to make sure someone checked on you (even though the key wouldn't work and they couldn't get into the house). I feel you are overreacting by not coming home. I haven't seen you for 5 days and I am starting to worry, even though I know you pull this 7 day stunt every summer. How am I supposed to know if you are out on an expedition or if you are locked in someone's shed and need rescuing?

It's raining now, so why don't we call it a truce and you can come home, have a pouch of food and we will all be winners. Huh? Waddaya say?

Lots of love
TJam

PhD

Congratulations to Dr Noisette who has got her PHd! Hooray!