Holidays - day 4

- by TJam

It was so sunny today that we didn't manage to leave the campsite. Instead, we stayed and watched a party of 100 people arrive. We made our own entertainment by giving everyone their own identifier. Then we watched people get stuck in the mud.

There was:

Mr Rugby and Mrs 2 Kettles (and kids, including Little Jay Rugby)
Mrs "I've already found some DOG POO" (said in a loud voice, pointing in our (innocent) direction)

Mrs "What have you brought all that beer for" and Mr "Ignore any comments about beer"
Mr Punto
Mr "Got Towed" and Mrs "I'll wait on you hand and foot then shall I?"

In the evening we had a fire and a BBQ and watched the stars appear in the sky. Quite spectacular.

Holidays - day 3

- by TJam

Look at this beautiful view where I walk the dogs each morning. Best campsite ever.

NB that is BLUE SKY you can see in the background.

Holidays - day 2

-by Chips

This morning, we had a little rain. Here is Bamgee ringing out our bed.

A group of 5 families arrived on our field so TJam let us dogs bark as much as we liked and they pitched on the opposite side of the field. We sat and watched while they all got stuck in the mud and had to get towed out. You make your own entertainment when you're camping.

We have been told that, being at the base of Snowdon, the campsite has its own weather system. It is sunny 10 minutes down the road. TJam asked if it is ever sunny here when it is raining ten minutes down the road, but they wouldn't answer.

Holidays - day 1

- by Beanz

Today we set off on our holidays. Here I am at the campsite, surveying our beautiful view.

The reason you don't see many people is because they had just had 4 days of torrential rain. The wardens post the weather forecast in the toilet block everyday. It reads, "torrential rain and localised flooding". We always pick a good week for the weather.



If you click on this picture to enlarge it, you will see some mysterious pawprints up the side of the tent. I can't imagine how they got there.

Spam - the Prediction

Everyone in this house is going camping next week. Fine. I can fend for myself and I DO NOT need people to come and check on me. I will tolerate those that TJam asks to visit. I suppose I might eat the food they give me. I reserve my right not to purr if I am feeling particularly abandoned. Although I might concede if they are extra nice. and if I am here.

Meanwhile, TJam is taking bets on how much spam will be in her inbox after a week.

Inauguration

- by Chips Today I went for a walk with Bailey and Scamp and their guardians, Pin and Huddersfield Town. Then we went and celebrated the new decking. TJam admired the decking and us dogs sat on it. I did not bite Bailey or Scamp so TJam is very pleased with me. You can call that my contribution to the celebrations. No one else knows what an achievement this is. I came close a couple of times but I held back. You can see Bailey's bum in this photo. Beanz is not in it because she was on the lawn, too scared to come on the decking because Scamp was sitting on the stairs. She is such a wimp. The humans are calling this evening an inorgration of the decking. or something like that. They drank sparkling wine that they pretended was Champagne. The cork flew right over the top of the house. We hope it didn't hit a car. They lit some candles and talked fast and loud and laughed a lot. Then it rained so we had to come in and then we had to walk home.

Gail

- by TJam

Gail is my dog training teacher. She likes to make sarcastic remarks in lessons in the hope that they will get reported back on this blog. I have always worked on the dog training principle of "ignore the undesirable behaviour and reward the desired behaviour". I apply this to people too (but not to cats because you can't ignore a mouse running down towards your duvet at 3am even though it definitely qualifies as "undesirable").

If I mention Gail's sarcastic remarks, I will be rewarding them and they will continue. Statistically I therefore put myself at risk from public humiliation. If I ignore them they will get more intense in an effort to get them blogged. Same problem. What a dilema.

So, I am going to train an alternative. We need to think of a catchphrase for Gail. Leave your suggestions here. Currently in the lead is, "I said SIT, there was no "h" in it". We had a fairly dramatic additional h this evening. It certainly made me glad I feed dry food (less bulk, as they say).

Now Gail, you can work on your catch phrase. (and you'd better leave me a comment!)

A Different Tack

- by Beanz

After TJam had dragged herself out from the cupboard under the stairs, huffing, "I'm *&^ing sick of this. Either catch it and eat it or DON'T CATCH IT but don't *&^%ing play with it", she decided to take a different tack. Perhaps Carlsberg needs to be asked nicely. She hadn't thought of that.

There was much searching of paper and a thick felt tip pen. Blue tack was vital for the plan (other sticky putties are available).

And here I am trying to examine the finished result. There will be no more mice in this house.

Vacuum Mania

Thank you to my dad who has given me a new vacuum.

I can't believe I am excited about this, but this new super duper all singing all dancing Dyson (yes DYSON!) sucks so hard it took me 20 seconds to unstick it from the floor. Unfortunately the momentum nearly took it into Chips' head. She now has a healthy respect for my housework.

I have hoovered 3 times since yesterday. It is so much fun. And I don't need a new stair carpet. There was a perfectly good one under the woven cat hair layer. Yipee.

Back to normal

I have just waved Mum off at the station. She has been staying for a week, and looked after the dogs while I went to away for the weekend. She has washed everything. It's ok though, I have dirtied a few plates and scattered a few crumbs and it is starting to look just like home again :)

Resting

I went back to the vet this evening. He thinks I have injured my elbow. I am allowed out of the house now, after a week of resting, but I have to stay on the lead for another 2 weeks. Then, I have to build up my walks again. He has stopped my tablets, which is a shame because they were delicious.

Mousy Conclusion

The best case scenario happened.

The mouse is liberated.

It ate all the peanut butter first and had to be shaken out of the trap. Seems it didn't want to leave.

Mousy Un-Fun

By TJam

I am a bit tired this morning. The cat started jumping around the house at about 3.30am. I thought nothing of it.

5:03am I thought I felt Carlsberg's tail brush against my face. When I reached up to feel, there was no body, no legs and no head. In fact, there was no Carlsberg at all. There was also a noise of something small running over my pillow and past my ear. It sounded like a jumpjet.

5:24am The trap is set and full of peanut butter. I can only assume the mouse is camped out under my immovable wardrobe. Best case scenario: the mouse saunters into the trap and I release it. Worst case scenario: The mouse spends several nights dancing on my bed, gets trapped under my covers, chews through my electrics, then, weak with hunger and thirst, it retires under my wardrobe where it carks it and the smell permeates the whole house for weeks. I have a nervous breakdown.

Mousy Fun

By Carlsberg

Last night, I brought TJam home a lovely present. My intention was to bring it home, play with it a while to let everyone join in the fun, then make my kill and eat it. The present was a delicious field mouse.

TJam tried to sleep through phases one and two of the plan. I pounced up on the window ledge and over the bed. Then my plan went horribly wrong.

My mouse was a fighter. It got away. I waited for a while, but I had built up quite an appetite. I got bored waiting for my mouse and went and had some crunchy fish and rice instead. There was still no sign of my mouse, so I went out to play in the fields again.

Anyway it's the thought that counts. I am sure TJam will be pleased, even if she didn't get to see me eat the prize.

Touching Toads (but not licking them)

TJam has been watching a lot of "Panic Room" a tv programme where people overcome their phobias. She has got a bit of a thing about frogs and toads, ever since someone put a frog in a jar behind her in Mrs Honour's Top Infants class. When she looked up, there was a froggy face, doing bulgy froggy things. It made her scream and jump which everyone found hilarious.

Today, there was a toad in the field. TJam made herself touch its back. She told her hand to go forwards and it went backwards of its own accord, so she had to push it forwards with her other hand. I made it my business to run through the therapy session and prance around so the toad could move and make it all the more scary.

Actually toads are quite soft and warm. TJam thanked the toad for helping her, and went on her way, singing and shouting, "I've touched a frog!" as she went. Because she thought at the time it was a frog, and she has only just realised that it ran and didn't jump. And it was a bit bumpy, so it must have been a toad.

In other news, Beanz has got a bad leg and is not allowed to walk. I am enjoying quality time with TJam and am behaving like an angel. Beanz is such a bad influence.

Double-busting

Double-busting (dubble-bust-ing) vb Action carried out by two boobs when they are squeezed into a bra cup that is too small, so it looks like you have four boobs instead of only two.

This is not yet in the Collins Dictionary.

Thank you to Gill in the lingerie department of M&S, who has shown me the light. All this without humiliating me. For all my bravado, it is a little intimidating to stand in a changing cubicle with a stranger with a tape measure. She treated me well, and I have learnt, after 20 years in the wildernerss, that it is possible to have a bra that is comfortable. I step forward into a new level of being.

If one other person reads this and resolves to "be fitted" this post will have been worth it. And of course, if we have another feminist revolution, I will have something to burn.

Scarecrow Festival

The humans went to the local scarecrow festival. There were plenty of scarecrows: dog types, jockies, burglars, policement, fishermen, the mayor, a vicar, two footballers, people taking tea outside the sweetshop and a couple of random characters. Or they may have been locals who had just finished a shift in the hay barn.

There are no photos because there was too much rain. Sorry Kath, who I know will be checking here. You will have to use your imagination. Hopefully next year we can provide the real thing...

Pipkins anyone?

As it was time to leave work, I stood up and said, "It's time......" which set off a flashback of clock faces flashing in front of my eyes and a vaguely uneasy feeling. As I let the experience wash over me, I remembered Hartley Hare, Octavia, and Pig (who had a Brummie accent and what I now know to be hypernasility).

When I got home, I googled Hartley Hare and discovered that my memory was that of Pipkins, the children's tv programme, which I watched during the 70s. It's not often one that pops up in those, "do you remember...." conversations.

I was feeling a little nervous as I scrolled down the page. Hartley Hare used to make me jump and frankly, I admit it, I was scared of him. Scared in that excited kind of way. No, who am I kidding? I was terrified.

When I saw the pictures, a steel dagger twisted in my heart. And is it any wonder?! look at the hare! look at the MONKEY. I'd clearly blocked the Monkey out of my mind and I wish is had stayed that way.

If you want to share my experience, click here and scroll down. If you remember Pipkins, please leave me a comment.

(Die hard fans can look at the Official Pipkins site. There's more information, but less barefaced terror).

Waffles

Today the humans had waffles for breakfast.

Bamgee showed TJam how to use the family waffle iron. It is 40 years old and still going strong.

Here is TJam on her virgin waffle voyage. What a historic moment. Or should that be histrionic?

Happy Birthday Barney!

Barney Rubble is 16 years old! Happy birthday friend.

To be Sung to...

... the tune of 5 green bottles.

5 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the fridge
5 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the fridge
And if 5 wild bird fat balls, fell upon the floor
There's be 4 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the floor.

The mystery of this song is not "where is the 5th fat ball" to which the answer by now is, "in the field, having passed through Chips's gastrointestinal tract" but indeed, "how did the fat balls fall off the fridge in the first place?"

And that, dear reader, is the real mystery.

Pulling it out of the Bag

All that revision paid off. Chips clearly knew it was a special occasion and she really pulled it out of the bag. Walked past two cats on our road walk, wagged her tail at the examiner and (most importantly) didn't get into a fight with her arch enemy. Ok, one of her arch enemies. I'd go so far as to say she enjoyed showing off.

Chips, I'm proud of you. Chips the dog my dad thought I should get rid of because she was too naughty (and Beanz, you can wipe that smug face off your muzzle because he thought you should go back to the dogs' home too).

So Chips is now officially a silver citizen. I will carry her certificate around in case we bump into her other arch enemy and I need proof that she can pull it out of the bag.

Revision

TJam is reading something over and over again. Chips is practising a recall without getting up BEFORE she is called. Something is going on.

Wardrobe - part 3

The wardrobe delivery men arrived today. I had asked for an afternoon delivery so they came at 7.15am.

"Can you put it upstairs please?"

"Sorry love, we can't go upstairs"

"Pardon?"

"We can't go upstairs"

"Well, what do you do in your own house?"

"I mean, health and safety, we're not allowed upstairs"

So here is a picture of my front room.

Of course it is fine for me to take everything upstairs. On pure fury alone I carried a wardrobe unit upstairs and assembled it there and then. But then my adrenaline started to run low and I went back to human levels of strenth and had to phone FlatPack4U to come and help me out with the rest.

Best Before

I am just posting here before writing to Norris McWhirter's people.

Today, TJam had toast and buttered it with margarine that was best before 23rd August 2006. It was totally fine. Is this a record?

What's worse than...

... finding a worm in your apple?

No, actually that's another joke, and a funny one at that.

Today, TJam took our water bowl from the front room, emptied the dregs and filled it from the kitchen tap. When she put it back down again, there were 2 slugs in it. A medium slug and a small slug.

Either they came into the front room and climbed into the bowl, or else they came out of the tap.
So, which is worse?

Wardrobe - part 2

I risk my career and a possible speeding ticket (I just put that in for dramatic effect. Of course I would not really risk my career or speed) to get to Ikea in my lunch hour to order my lovely new wardrobe. Small problem, I have to buy the whole thing and wheel the 3 trolleys to the home delivery area. Thank goodness for the two young men who helped me locate my flatpack and take everything to the checkout. And for the other not-quite-as-young man who helped me to the home delivery area. Thank goodness for a good deodorant.

Could they deliver Friday please? Not a chance: Sunday, Monday or Tuesday only. Is it me, or is that nowhere near 24 or 48 hours?

Wardrobe - part 1

I have been planning an Ikea wardrobe all week. I went online to check everything was in stock. It was. I checked they deliver to our area. They do. I spent an hour ordering it all on the internet. I pressed, "checkout". They don't deliver items ordered on the internet in our area.

I phoned to ask if I could buy stuff today (Tuesday) to be delivered Friday. Only 24-48 hours from ordering to delivery. Order it Wednesday or Thursday.

Ok.

Bored

Dear Chips

We are all bored of seeing pictures like this. Please think of something original to do while I am out. You are nearly 7 years old. That is 49 in human years.

Letting things go

Ok, I'm sorry, I've really let myself go!

I had been to visit the family, had a great birthday with lots of comedy presents that I wanted to tell you about, and we went for afternoon tea at Harvey Nich's (ooooh laaaaa). I have a lovely laminate floor in my bedroom and I'm going to get a real, grown up's wardrobe. I just haven't made it to the computer. And then I ran out of photo storage space so I couldn't put my pics up. Then the dog ate my homework. Then the cat was sick on in. No, wait, that can't be right.

Anyway, I'll try and do better.

Things that do not go together

Dog sick and decking.

Not at any time, but definitely not at 6.13am.

To Our Dog Training Friends

Hooray you made it! Well done to everyone who remembered the address. If you scroll down you will be able to find pictures of your good selves.

Don't forget to leave us a comment too. Just click on "comments" at the bottom of the post.

Love from Beanz

PS Chris, if you put me off again by waving food around or calling my name when I am supposed to be staying or heeling, I will have to set Chips on you! It is her turn the week after next. Be afraid.

Toast

I always thought that toast tasted nicer at Grandma and Grampy's house (when we stayed over and had breakfast in our home made nylon dressing gowns) because Grandma buttered it and then we had sugar on top.

However, I think it was actually because the toast had stood in the toast rack (remember a toast rack?) and was cold when it was buttered.

If you leave your toast to cool before buttering and jamming/marmalading (have I just invented two new verbs?) it tastes like a completely different breakfast. How is that possible? I have no idea. Leave your answers in the comments section please.

Incidentally, Chips was going to be called Toast but then I changed it to Chips.

Sharing

TJam always says I should share nicely. So today I put my nose up to TJam's face and she felt little footsteps promenading on her cheek. Six little footsteps. Yes, I had shared a flea that I had picked up from something dead in the woods. I only shared one. I kept the other six for myself. TJam did not wait for the Frontline to kick in. She shared the flea comb with me and broke her vegan principle of "Do not kill"

I bet you a dog biscuit that you, dear reader, have scratched your head while reading this post.

A New Experience

Today I found myself in a novel situation. I was in a scrap that

a) I did not instigate
b) I did not win

In fact, I would say I was set upon. TJam would say I need to learn that if a dog sets upon Beanz (who runs away) and then pulls its lip at me, I should back off and not even look at at.

It is a shame because I have been doing so well. Yesterday I sniffed 2 puppies on the lead and I did not even try to tell them off. I hope this incident does not affect my newfound mellowness. The humans like me a lot more when I can be trusted in a pub garden while they have a lager shandy.

I Won Something - by Beanz

I did my trick at dog training tonight and I won a prize. Well, actually, I did the trick and TJam won the prize. There's something wrong there but she isn't complaining. And since the prize is chocolate, she isn't letting us dogs anywhere near it.

In my acceptance speech I would like to thank my agent and all those people who TJam pinned down and forced to watch me practise. And I would like to thank my teachers and friends at class.


Here we all are, working hard. TJam took her camera, so if you click here, you can have a look at all our photos of our tricks and the egg and spoon race (which I did not win). I am particularly impressed with Archie on the skateboard. If you have any problems with the slideshow link, or if you want to order copies of any of the pictures to be delivered to your door, you can view the album here.

Flat Stanley goes to Russia

With all the excitement of the last few days, we forgot to tell you, Flat Stanley has been to the Former Soviet Union. Oh yes.

Here he is outside a church. He says he had a very nice time thank you. He's glad he is flat.

Curiousity and the Activated Charcoal

I couldn't resist and I had a little taste. In case you are curious, it tastes of nothing, but it is very very gritty. On balance, it is not to be recommended.

Happy Easter from all of us

Happy Easter to Everyone

We've been for a lovely walk. I'm glad to say there was one happy human with 2 whole live dogs. Carlsberg stayed home but she wishes you a Happy Easter too.

Pondering

I have been pondering the events of the last few days.

1. My hat goes off to Chips. I mean, she managed to polish off two whole bars of dark chocolate. Even I, the great queen of chocolate, would struggle to manage even half of that
2. Isn't life fragile, yet so strong. Can't it be affected by the tiniest of things yet survive a real battering
3. You never know when the unexpected will happen. That is why it is called the unexpected. Appreciate the now. Take nothing for granted
4. Thank goodness for washing machines and good washing powder. Imagine if I'd had to wash all this lot by hand
5. Isn't it amazing that I have actually gone off chocolate. I'm sure it won't last

Black Dog Poo

Never has a black dog poo looked so glorious nor been so celebrated.

I resisted taking a photo.

Not Death by Chocolate today thank you

Today, I had to take the van to be fixed and it had to stay in.

Meanwhile, I received a lovely Easter present through the post. Two bars of yummy dark chocolate.

When I arrived home, all that was left was the wrappers. Happy Easter TJam.

Even more happy Easter because chocolate is poisonous to dogs. We are not talking grape poisonous. There is no "maybe" in chocolate poisoning. Chips was looking a little uncomfortable (as I would have been if only I had had the chance to eat both my bars of chocolate at the same time). Beanz was fine, leaving me to believe that Chips had not shared nicely.

I phone the vet. The toxic dose for a dog Chips's size is 15g of dark chocolate. Chances were she'd had 20 times that. Time to go for some medicine.

No car, so thank you to Silky for coming to pick us up and take us there.

A dose of medication and the ongoing treatment? Activated charcoal.

To the unitiated, this is what it looks like dry. "Try mixing it with their food" said the vet. YUM. Looks tasty.

Beanz ate her own and then Chips's. I hope you can't overdose on charcoal.

Meanwhile, it was plan B for Chips. By this point I had stopped bothering cleaning things up, so I will tackle the black stuff tomorrow. Since 4 hours worth wouldn't stay down, it was little and often. It has to keep going in until it comes out the other end.

According to my frantic internet search, chocolate poisoning symptoms go:

Vomiting, diarrhea, restlessness, tremours, seizures and possibly death. In there somewhere is also a raised heart beat that can cause heart attack. Not joyful reading.

So, working her way dutifully through the list, Chips started on phase 4, the tremours.

Call in Pin (thank you Pin) who took us back to the vet for an injection of diazepam (that's valium to you and me). Lucky dog. I hadn't even got through the sentence, "How long does it take to work?" before Chips's eyes glazed over and she wobbled to the floor. We came home with instructions of what to look for and what might constitute an emergency.

All praise to the vet, who even offered to come and pick us up and take us to the animal hospital in the night if we couldn't get a lift. That is beyond the call of duty and something you don't hear about these days.

By 10pm, Chips was looking a lot more perky. I don't think we'll be needing the valium tablets. Well, I don't think Chips will be needing them. I will be sleeping downstairs to keep an eye on the patient.

You Are What You Eat

And I am slowly becoming Fish and Brown Rice. If you ever needed evidence, here it is.

Swan Flightpath

Today we had the amazing experience of being at the end of a fishing pond when two swans flew in to land. We were at the end of their runway as they splayed their legs out towards us and prepared for touchdown about 5 metres away from us.

I must admit it made me startle a little bit when we heard the whirring sound of them slowing up but TJam says we are very lucky and most people probably haven't had the opportunity of being at the end of the watery runway when swans land on a pond.

Me, I'm just glad they did actually manage to stop. I've heard a swan can break a man's arm.

Cereal Packets

Would it be so difficult to have the little slit to keep your cereal packet closed at both ends and not just at the top, thus increasing your chance of having a cereal packet that will stay closed by 100% ?

Am I the first person to have thought of this?

If my coco pops fall out of their box I will sue.

Microwave Mystery

For the scientists among you:

How is it possible to heat your hot chocolate in the same mug in the microwave with no problems several times, and then to receive 1st (and small 2nd) degree burns to the index and middle fingers when taking out your lovely, appetising drink? This one will not help me sleep better. The drink itself was not even that hot.

Following mind over matter (brain screams "DROP IT DROP IT" while other part of brain screams, "DON'T DROP IT. HOLD IT AND PUT IT DOWN. If you release the cup you will burn the rest of your body") and quickly (very quickly) slamming cup onto the counter I turned my attention to first aid. Luckily I knew what to do in such an instance. I simply followed the procedure from when my (very young) brother tried to take the jam tarts that had just come out of the oven.

Cheers bro. Every cloud has a silver lining. I have used aggressive cold water treatment. I think the wet cloth in a plastic bag would be excessive in this case.

Indignant

We have had our dog food delivered for 5 years. For 5 years, I have forgotten to bring it in for a couple of days.

Today, I went to get the dog food from out the front.

It had been stolen.

Luckily we have a good friend Ann and I went bucket in hand to tide us over until I could get to the petshop.

I will have to stop having our food delivered from an ethical source and go to the pet shop like everyone else. Is nothing sacred?

Relief

Flat Stanley has been playing a cheeky trick on us. but we don't care because STANLEY IS BACK! in fact he was never away! i came home at lunch time and tried to clear a space on the settee for my student to sit. As I moved a pile of junk, THERE WAS STANLEY.

If none of my friends and readers have betrayed me, those Texas kiddies will be none the wiser. If any of you are treacherous snakes in the grass then at least those innocent little children can dry their eyes and enjoy more adventure of Stanley in England (that's England UK, not New England. It's a small country outside the US on the other side of the map).

I don't know whether to hug Stanley or smack his naughty little bottom for playing such a mean trick. At least I now understand better how my mother felt when I once got lost at St Paul's Cathedral.

Disclaimer: The above penultimate statement was for comic effect. No Stanleys will be harmed in the writing of this blog.

Flat Stanley Goes It Alone

During our weekend, Flat Stanley travelled in several bags and pockets to minimise damage.

When we got home from our lovely weekend (and after we had watched the final of Crufts, wish I had put a bet on) I reached into my bag to retreve Flat Stanley and get a final picture of him arriving safely home.

My blood ran cold as I then searched every bag and pocket. After a round of, "I thought you had him" "No, I thought you had him" I realised that Flat Stanley was still grinning if the ruins of Bolton Abbey.

I have emailed Bolton Abbey, but have had no reply as yet. Teri, if you're reading this, please don't let your son see it! Maybe I can get a clone of FS and no one will be any the wiser. I have emailed the teacher for a template. I can't believe I have let this happen to our guest! He wasn't even wearing a coat.

Yorkshire Dales

This weekend we have been to the Yorkshire Dales. We took Flat Stanley in order to educate him in all things English.

We arrived just outside Pateley Bridge at Springfield Farm. We were greeted by a friendly Mrs Baldwin who doubled in our estimation when we found she had left a plate of cakes for afternoon tea and some chocolates on the mantelpiece. That, and the fact that the cottage was impeccable in every way. We couldn't fault it. There was even a little garden where dogs could go. If it had not been the end of winter, we could also have made use of the garden furnature and the swings. If you are planning a holiday in the Yorkshire Dales, email me and I will give you Mrs Baldwin's phone number.

Anyway, Flat Stanley had several rounds of afternoon tea over the weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, so we could walk the dogs for miles. Given our recent sheep experiences, the dogs stayed mostly on the lead.

We saw a small miracle. A little lamb that had just been born and was standing for the first time and drinking for the first time. While the mother ate the afterbirth. Yes, you heard right. That herbivore was eating raw flesh. Nature is a mystery but I'm told she knows best. Then another sheep went over to say hello.

We walked to Brimham Rocks. They are 3 million years old or something, and very very impressive. Some of them are balanced on a tiny stone but they don't fall over.

By the time we came down the hill, the mummy and lamb were gone. I can only hope they had been taken in by the farmer for warmth and shelter, and not that lamby had gone straight into a casserole.

On the way home from our little holiday, we stopped at Bishop's Abbey and had a lovely walk. Flat Stanley had his photo taken on the ruins.
We arrived home tired, happy and refreshed.

Guess Who's Here

Yup, the long awaited Flat Stanley is here! He was waiting for us on the doormat when we got back from our walk.

I popped him through the laminator to keep him safe in this house of savages, and then introduced him to a nice cup of tea. How very English. He has written a letter to the children in Texas and is looking forward to his adventures in Europe (and maybe beyond).

Ideas for anything Stanley can try and report back on? Leave a suggestion in the comments. Clean ones only please.

Wating for Flat Stanley

We are waiting for Flat Stanley in the post. He has posted himself from Texas and is looking forward to adventures in the North West of England. He wants to have his photo taken and send it back to his friends in the States.

I hope he can understand our accent.

A New Emotion

TJam is having a new emotion today.

VERY PROUD OF CHIPS

She took me to the new agility class. I did not get stressed. I sniffed faces with 3 other dogs on the lead and I did all the equipment. At first I didn't realise I was supposed to stay on the plank 5 foot off the ground and I kept jumping off. In the end, I got the hang of it.

A small border terrier got free and came for my throat. I used reasonable force to protect myself but nothing more. No blood was shed. When they caught the border, I let the whole matter drop and asked for a treat and thought no more about it.

I looked normal the whole time and the teacher said I can soon come off the lead.

Uncle Gardener's Party

This weekend we have all been down south to celebrate Uncle Gardener's 70th birthday.

Congratulations to the youthful Uncle Gardener and well done to the whole team for turning a small, sticky bar area into a balloon and streamer packed, candlelit, tableclothed party place.

The food was fab. I particularly liked the 2 labels on the food for us funny eaters.
1. vegetable rice (a bowl of rice with vegetables)
2. "contains garlic" (the mini pizzas)

I could only deduce from this that the rest of the food was not vegetable rice, and/or did not contain garlic. Or, I suppose, that Auntie Gardener ran out of labels :)

It was great for us to all get together. I loved it when people asked me, "How do you know G?". Inside I said, "what, Uncle Gardener you mean? The clue is in the name" and on the outside I said "He's my uncle."

There was plenty of, "Last time I saw you, you were this high, running naked round the garden covered only in red indian body paint" (I hasten to add that the, "this high" they were referring to dates the incident to about 1978, and at the time we had not heard of the term, "Native American Indian").

Now, I am a fairly open-minded kinda gal, so I wasn't phased when my cousin told me that his 3 year-old son may not answer to the name "T" at the moment. So as not to commit a social faux pas, I asked what name he was going by at that time.

Lily.

As it turned out, when Lily arrived, s/he was no longer Lily, but Princess Leia, which I shortened to, "Princess". The princess didn't seem to mind that and we had a good game of balloon sword fighting.

So all in all, a fabulous party and we went for Chinese all you can eat on Sunday.

Thank you Uncle and Auntie Gardener for inviting me!

Dr Chips researches again (so soon)

10 day old baked beans with mould on.

No news is good news

By Dr Chips - PhD (Dr of Phood)

I am Banned from Scientific Research

Today I have been banned from scientific research.

If you search the internet, you will see that grapes can be poisonous for dogs. Luckily, the word is "can", not definitely "is".

I did research this area once before and ate a bag of grapes. I also ran the gauntlet with nuts and raisins a couple of times. At the time, TJam thought it was funny, because she didn't know that grapes can cause acute kidney failure and death.

So today she was not laughing when she washed a bag of grapes and left them to dry on the side, and then went to work. She was not laughing when she came home and they were gone, and so was half a punnet of cherry tomatoes, which it turns out, can also be poisonous for dogs.

The internet recommeded agressive vetenary intervention, but 7 hours had already passed and I was fine and ate my tea and went for a walk. I didn't even have the decency to vomit. And those were expensive and tastey grapes and TJam had been looking forward to them.

I would like to add the results of my experiment to the growing body of research as one of the "a bag of grapes is not poisonous to all dogs" contibutions to add balance to this field.

However, I will not be allowed to research this area again.

Mould on mould

I'm guessing that mould growing on the mushrooms in your fridge is not a good sign

Ta da!

Ladies and Gentlemen

I present to you one scarf, modelled by the lovely Bamgee.

25 stitches at one end and 25 stitches at the other.

Knitted by my own fair hand.

Ta da indeed.

New Hobby

(Carlsberg fans will be glad to know that she has reclaimed her place on the bed, a sure sign that she is feeling better. So she should be after 2 injections of antibiotics.)

I have a new hobby. Or rather, I have reactivated an old one, but I hope that, 30 years on, I will be better at it.Here is a picture of my first attempt at knitting. You will see that I started with 5 stitches at point A, and then seemed to think every thread was a stitch, until my scarf for teddy doubled its size (B). Mum probably pointed out to me that you don't split the wool, and so my scarf went on a diet (point C) before becoming some kind of fraying giant, at which point I gave up (point D).

So, here I am, embarking on another scarf. I started with 25 stitches and so far (into my 2nd ball now) I still have 25 stitches.

Are you impressed?

Dangerous Dogs? - by Carlsberg

This blog is not a political one. Unless you count the (shortlived) "let dogs sleep in a double bed on a memory foam matress" campaign politcal.

But TJam did promise Linda a link to the 10 Downing Street Petition against legislating against dogs because of the breed they are. Because in this house, we believe it is the way a dog is raised and treated that affects the way it behaves, and although breed influences part of this, the breed of a dog absolutely does not make it bad. The Kennel Club, The Association of Pet Dog Trainers, The Blue Cross and Victoria Stillwell off the tele all think this too. So Linda, click here to sign the petition. You might also was to look at this website: Deed not Breed. We advise you don't watch the video unless you have plenty of tissues handy.

And now I will get off my soapbox and go out and get in a fight so that when TJam comes home tomorrow she will find blood on the duvet and I will be hiding under the bed. Then, she can worry all night before she can ring the vet on Monday morning.

Our SNOW (part 2)

WE GOT IT!

We had to walk up a big hill to get it, but it was worth it. Deep lovely white snow! The drifts came over TJam's wellies (very fine wellies they are turning out to be). I kept eating it and charging around in it (while eating it). I was soaked and so very very happy.

Now we are down, the snow has changed to rain but nothing can take away our lovely snow of the morning.

Our snow

WHERE IS IT?

The dogs and I are very disappointed at only a sprinking of icing sugar over the ground. Hardly enough to even leave footprints in. Meanwhile, the rest of the country has ground to a halt.

We didn't move to the north west for sunshine and tropical conditions you know. and now we have the best weather in the country. What's going on?

I will have to save my, "Sorry I can't come in to work, I'm snowed in" excuse for another day. There had better be another day. I am having snowman withdrawal symptoms.

All nighter

Since we have an apt photo below of the bathroom in the floor, you don't need to use your imagination to know where I spent most of last night after a run-in with a nasty little stomach virus, generously shared by the kids from school I should think. My stint was broken by Beanz deciding she needed to go out in the garden. With careful timing and judgement I managed to time the garden run and still make it back to sit on the bathroom floor once again.

Having been raised on the motto, "if you can stand you can go to school" I sometimes find it hard to judge if I am ill enough to stay home. But not today. This one was a no-brainer.

You may wonder how comes I am well enough to blog. Well, I wouldn't have, but that I needed to get a phone number off the computer and then I thought I would share my tale of woe before I go back to bed.

"To Do" List - by Chips

Sit in window when TJam goes to work. Check.
Surf kitchen counters. Check.
Visit stairgate to see if it might have become undone. Check.
Nose stairgate to double check the latch is secure. Check
Dance with glee when stairgate opens. Check.
Eat cat's dry food. Check
Lick cat's wet food bowl. Check
Go to bathroom bin, empty and chew up all old empty sachets of catfood. Check.
Strew rubbish over bathroom, landing, stairs and bedroom. Check.

Run all over the lovely double bed. Have little look out of window to make sure no one is heading home. Say hello to Carlsberg. Check.

Find all the treats father Christmas gave us and that TJam had stored upstairs so they would last. Check.
Eat 2 packets of Turkey and Cranberry bones, one raw hide boot, 3 lolly shaped chews and a packet of cat treats. Share with Beanz (but not too much). Check.
Come downstairs, go to sleep and look hungry when TJam comes home for lunch. Check.
Have lunch. check.
Wag tail innocently when TJam goes upstairs.
Look fat for the rest of the day. Check.

Dog + Chile =

= a big disappointment actually.

I left a fresh chili out on the kitchen counter. I was hoping Chips would steal it and then eat it, and do a cartoon style "steam coming out of the ears" thing. Then (the theory went) she would never steal off the kitchen counter again, having learnt her lesson.

What actually happened was that I came home to find a chili on the dog's bed, which had a little nibble out of the top. If there had been any steam coming out of the ears, it had long evaporated. Chips hadn't even drunk any more water than usual. And there's certainly no sign of a stop to the counter surfing.

Star

Today, we had a visit from the lovely Star. It was great to catch up on old times and have a short trip down memory lane. Then Pin called for lunch. It was only a shame I had to go to work or we could have chatted all day. Come again soon Star!

Black Panthers

I learnt an interesting fact today that I want to share.

Apparently, black panthers are not a breed of big cat. They are a black version of any big cat eg leopard, puma etc (I put etc because I don't know exactly which breeds are included; "etc" is there to hide my ignorance). Black pantherism is a genetic mutation shared by some big cats that makes them grow in a black version of themselves. They are then known as black panthers.
Curiouser and curiouser.

I also wonder what kind of cat Baghera in Mowgli was.

From Mr Jingles

Mr Jingles, my faithful teddy bear, was saddened to read that Merrythought Toys have gone into liquidation. He felt moved to write to the Director of the company, Mr Oliver Holmes.

Dear Mr Oliver Holmes

My name is Mr Jingles. You probably don’t remember me. Merrythought made me in 1971 and I went to live with my owner and best friend, TJam. Here is a picture of us together in that first year.

I am now 36 years old and have been with TJam ever since.

I have been a loyal and reliable friend to her. A bear to laugh with, a bear to cry on. A bear to cuddle. A bear to dress up and feed pretend cups of tea to. I have been to teddy bears’ picnics and midnight feasts. I have sat patiently through mumps, measles and chicken pox. I have witnessed (minimal) revision, sleepovers and late night drinking sessions. I have been camping and I have guarded the bed when TJam went travelling and I was too precious (and big) to make the journey with her. I have sat on top of the wardrobe for my own protection when TJam got a puppy. I have shared the top of the wardrobe with the cat. I am told I have a wonderful smell that always makes TJam feel happy.

TJam has been very careful with me. My only mishap was losing the label on my foot, and I have a few thinning patches around my seams and muzzle from plentiful hugs and kisses.

TJam and I were very upset to read that your company had to go into liquidation. We both think you have offered a wonderful service and it is so sad that others won’t be able to experience what we have.

Mr Oliver Holmes, thank you for making me. I am having a wonderful life. I am looking good for 36 don’t you think?

We are really sorry about your company but please know that what you have provided us with is priceless.



With thanks, very best wishes and much respect




Mr Jingles
(and TJam)

I'm an Angel - by Chips

Today, TJam is not sure if she will be doing yoga.

This is not because of some spiritual crisis, but because she has slipped down a muddy slope. She slipped down a muddy slope because Beanz has cornered a sheep that had escaped from the field and was barking in its face.

Beanz's redeaming feature was that when we eventually located her (from the shrill barking), having run down the world's steepest hill, back up the world's steepest hill, along the ridge and down the slippery, muddy bank, TJam shouted, "LEAVE IT" and then "COME" and Beanz did actually come back. It took all TJam's self control to praise her. Then TJam's heart slowly resumed normal beating and colour returned to her cheeks when the danger of Beanz getting shot had gone back down to zero.

I was very good and ran by TJam's side throughout the whole kerfuffle. I waited while TJam lifted Beanz over the fence. We are all glad the farmer didn't shoot Beanz, who will be spending a lot more time on the lead.

We think that with a sore throat from shouting and a stiff neck and knee from slipping, we have got off very lightly.

(Fans of sheep will be glad to know that the sheep ran off unharmed).

Postcard from the Past

I was sorting through some old stuff today, when I found this postcard. My mum's best friend sent it to her some time in the very early 70s. Mum and I spent hours looking at it and discussing what everyone was doing. You can probably tell from the creases. We would point to the man in the pool and say, "Oooh look, it's Daddy!" and then pretend we knew the other people as well. Of course, I was too young to pretend. I thought it really was Daddy, and I have only just realised that it couldn't have been.

A busy week

By Beanz

This week I have nearly caught a fox (I was this close), chased two deers, been to agility again and got moved up a class and now I am playing with a toy (whilst writing this, obviously) and waiting for TJam to drink her tea and take me for a walk.

Chips has broken a glass, chased deer with me and won a Guide Dog Puppies 2007 calendar for walking to heel at training.

TJam has done very little and it is time she cleaned the house. Even us dogs are beginning to notice.

Meanwhile, in the gales, our guttering blew half down and two fence panels are out at the back. Yesterday it tried to snow.

It all happens around here.

Agility

Tonight we went to a new agility class. It was amazing. I loved it. I practically pulled TJam's arm out of its socket to get on the see-saw, plank thing (about 5 foot high) and the A frame (very high). I LOVED it. So did TJam.

Now we are home I keep sitting in front of TJam to see what's happening next.

At the moment, nothing is happening.

By Beanz

Benny

We have got a new dog gang friend. Benny. He is pretty cool and I did not bark at him. He has moved in to Ron and Ann's and is rearranging their lives for them, as is a rescue dog's duty.

This week, I reminded TJam of this by chewing chunks off the settee cushion. It is nowhere near as impressive as the last time so TJam didn't bother taking a picture. You can imagine 10 bite shaped chunks of light green foam lying on the floor. You can also imagine that TJam's boss called round and witnessed the scene. We are not good business accessories.

By Chips

Free to a Good Home

Two black do.... nah, just kidding.

Free to a good home:
one TV guide dated 6th-12th January. I accidentally bought two.

Please send expressions of interest to me, preferably before the 12th. Well, you can send expressions of interest after the 12th but you have to tell me what you want it for after that date.

Testing a Hypothesis

Today I got out of the other side of my bed to see if it affected my mood. Which it didn't. So that's another wives tale blown out of the water.

Chocolate withdrawal

Happy New Year everyone!

Today was a day of desperation. I was having chocolate withdrawal so badly that I convinced myself I could eat a coffee creme. Usually I am more likely to eat my own fingers than touch a coffee creme, but as I said, it was a desperate situation.

So I ate the coffee creme and it kind of tasted ok.

Gotta kick this chocolate habit in 2007.

Index 2006

In January, Marion came to visit, the hoover regained its suck and I took photos up Rivington. In February, the allotment got trashed. In March, TJaM went to Crufts, the humans got Norovirus, the dogs ate a hare and it was TJam's brother's 30th.

In April, ducks took up residence outside our house and Beanz got her Kennel Club bronze citizen award. In May, TJam and Bamgee had a party, we all went to visit Noisette and Carlsberg threw a worm up on the carpet (no photos!). In June we got a new allotment, Mrs Chilled and Mr Chilled got married, Noisette got her PhD, Carlsberg wandered and then got an abscess and Chips got her Kennel Club Bronze citizen award.

July was dominated by the cat. Radical action was taken for her abscess then she escaped and then went awol. JoeyM got married. I didn't write anything for August, but we went camping in Anglesey. In September we went to a garden party.

In October TJam went to the States and in November, a Barn owl sat on her shoulder. We went to Cazza's 40th birthday celebrations and Jean Michel came to stay. In December we had fabulous Christmas celebrations.

M6 Toll

On our drive down to London,TJam was feeling mean, and the roads were empty, so we decided we would not take the M6 Toll. We were lucky to live to regret it. I bet they haven't done any repairs on the M6 since... well, ever. It must be part of their ploy to get everyone paying the toll. As it was, with all the pot holes and concrete slabs around Birmingham, we were lucky to survive with only mild concussion. The Christmas presents did make it home in tact.

Today we made good use of the M6 Toll, while we could still get it for £3.50. It will be £4 as of 1st Jan, but it is a small price to pay to avoid serious head injury and motion sickness.

Liqueur

Liqueur, Mr Liqueur and Piglet came for lunch. It was very nice, and thank you to TJam's mum for cooking a lovely spread. Sadly, no food fell on the floor so the dogs went hungry once again. Boo hiss.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Here is a picture you won't see very often. All the human family sat around the table. It was taken shortly before TJam's brother nearly joined the horrific statistics of the 3 people per year who lose an eye by champagne cork. As it was, he got away with minor bruising and wetness.

We've had a fabulous Christmas. Us animals got loads of presents that we would like to eat straight away, but which the humans are rationing. Meanwhile, they are stuffing their faces.

Luckily, the decoration project of the house hasn't moved on, so we are all sleeping downstairs. Beanz and I are making the most of diving under the covers and sleeping comfortably with TJam.

Rolling - by Chips

Today has been a day for rolling. Rolling on tufts of grass, rolling in smells, rolling in fox poo. I love rolling. I love dancing around the smell, wagging my tail, dropping my left shoulder, changing my mind, dropping my right shoulder and scooting my neck across the floor. I love getting up and doing it all over again. And again. And again.

Today has been a day for having a bath. I do not love having a bath.

Merry Alternative Christmas!

Today, TJam and Bamgee celebrated their alternative Christmas. They had nut roast and brussel sprouts. Us dogs had a hide chew, but Chips didn't eat hers. They must be a dodgy batch. I had 2.

Bamgee gave TJam a mini trampoline. TJam has always wanted a trampoline, ever since she saw a display (in which a girl fell and hurt her neck) at the Walnuts Trampoline Club in 1976. Now her dreams have come true. Here is Bamgee, giving a demonstration in her new Christmas wellies.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Old Friend

I got a Christmas card from Anna today. Anna, my lovely friend who I ate more bowls of peanuts, raisins and chocolate chips with in the name of A level revision, than I care to remember. She kept my secret: that I never actually read or understood, "Nostromo", even though I wrote a full 4 page essay on it. We cycled to school together. She went to youth band and was in the relay team. Last year, my card to her was returned as a "not known at this address. Addressee has moved".

So Anna, if you're reading this, please email me so I can write to you! I miss you and I think of you often. And congratulations on your life and beautiful children :)

Wellies

Hooray. TJam's lovely new wellies have arrived. She has been wellieless for 2 weeks and it has not been fun. Trainers lined with carrier bags just don't compare.

These are Muckboots and we have to say, they are like walking on air, apparently. They are also safe from -20 to +75 degrees but we hope TJam never has to test them. I hope they go better than the muddies that she wore through in 3 months and had to be replaced after 6. Unfortunately she left them in a pub near Shrewsbury where they went missing. Good luck to the people who took them. I'd say they had a few weeks left in them. They also didn't have any kind of sole. These new ones have proper soles so TJam won't slip over in the mud. Well, hopefully not.

We are now going out to christen them. They are the best boots TJam has ever had so far.

Towels

Note to TJam: Do not confuse your own blue towel that you take swimming, with the blue dog towel.

The first she knew of this was when she got a face full of fur after her lovely shower. Our apologies to the cleaners at the pool, especially around the shower and drying area. TJam did her best to remove most of the black dog hairs that fell onto the floor. Without sharing too much information, suffice to say that her whole body looks like she needs a shave and her clothes are feeling very itchy all over.

Mystery Benefactor

Today I received a shopping voucher for £5. It came from Leeds. I have no idea who it is from. Thank you to the mysterious sender.

I hope it is not my agenda for change backpay.

Funny or Mortifying?

TJam was involved in making a video about a charity. It was all going so well. Her t-shirt is faded and grey, so she had squeezed into a 10-year old child's t-shirt so to match everyone else.

After 5 minutes of filming, the video guy said to her, "Do you want to nip to the bathroom and sort your hair out?"

Being a believer that it is what's on the inside that counts, and having been raised to believe that vanity is the worst of sins, TJam said it was ok. It was hard to stick to her principles when clearly she looked rough as ... something very rough.

He said, "OK then, but this is for posterity you know"

TJam thought it was funny, but when she's told people, they have been mortified on her behalf. She still thinks it is funny.

Children Disappointed Worldwide

Santa is dead.

I know this because his 10 foot inflatable remains are lying in my next-door-but-one neighbours' garden.

I might invest in a puncture repair kit.

Dishwasher

We had this really cool little dog food carrier. It held just enough food for 2 dogs for 2 days, and the 2 little bowls sloted snugly on each end. It had a little handle to carry it. It was very handy and very well used.

TJam thought it might go nicely in the dishwasher to get cleaned.

We now have a half size, unshapely pile of plastic. Think big, see through clay coil-pot shape (the kind you made when you were 5 years old). TJam thinks we don't know. But we do.