Heaven - by Chips

In today's spirit of photography, I submit my piece.

Gratuitous Photography

It's not that I haven't got anything else to do, just that I get distracted. I like to think of it as following every lead. Anyway, I was searching a subscription to Dogs Today magazine and I had a look at their referal stats (in an un-geek-like way) and saw an interesting blog name, which took me into to the hitherto unexplored blogoshpere. And the blog with the interesting name turned out to be pretty inspirational in many ways, and the reason everyone now has spy names and not their real names on this blog, but today's way in which it inspired me is photography. That is, people taking photos because they are interesting or beautiful, and not just to tell a story.

So, today's theme is photography. I clutched my Canon Powershot A520 and off we went for our morning walk. Here are the results. If you are a photography expert and these are rubbish, be so kind as to not tell me please. Thank you.

Chips in fern

I even managed a half decent pic of Beanz.

If you count looking like the Joker out of Batman as half decent.

Will she never learn?

- by Carlsberg

When I pull my best "I'm Not Interested" face, why does TJam insist on getting out my toy on a string and dangling it in front of me? Why does she think she is going to tempt me into a game when I am clearly Not In the Mood? Why does she pull that silly, optomistic face that says, "come on Carlsberg, you know you want to really"? I know what I want, and it isn't that.

It's pathetic.

And it is not the first time.

I'm going upstairs to eat my tea.

Cola Cubes

Is it the cola that makes your mouth hurt, or the cube shape?

Birthday Butter

- by TJam

Well, actually it is Birthday Margarine but that would have spoilt the alliteration. Mrs Hockley would be proud of me.

Today it is happy birthday to my margarine whose best before date was 23.08.06. On 23.08.07 it was as good as new, and made a very nice breakfast.

This momentous occassion nearly didn't happen as the blissfullty unaware Bamgee made garlic butter about 2 weeks ago. Luckily I wrestled the last scrapings from her and saved them for this happy day. (The garlic bread was very nice, incidentally.)

Auntie TJam

- by TJam
I'm a great auntie! Yup, here are my sister's cat's kittens. I'm so proud.

Holidays - day 5

End of holidays.

Best overhead quote of the week: "YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN TURNING FRISBY INTO A CONTACT SPORT"

Worst idea for a snack: BALTI POPCORN AND POPPADOMS (MILDLY SPICED CURRIED POPCORN & ROASTED POPPADOM MIX - READY TO EAT)

Worst thought to have between the hours of 10pm and 8am: I NEED A WEE

Worst photo:

Holidays - day 4

- by TJam

It was so sunny today that we didn't manage to leave the campsite. Instead, we stayed and watched a party of 100 people arrive. We made our own entertainment by giving everyone their own identifier. Then we watched people get stuck in the mud.

There was:

Mr Rugby and Mrs 2 Kettles (and kids, including Little Jay Rugby)
Mrs "I've already found some DOG POO" (said in a loud voice, pointing in our (innocent) direction)

Mrs "What have you brought all that beer for" and Mr "Ignore any comments about beer"
Mr Punto
Mr "Got Towed" and Mrs "I'll wait on you hand and foot then shall I?"

In the evening we had a fire and a BBQ and watched the stars appear in the sky. Quite spectacular.

Holidays - day 3

- by TJam

Look at this beautiful view where I walk the dogs each morning. Best campsite ever.

NB that is BLUE SKY you can see in the background.

Holidays - day 2

-by Chips

This morning, we had a little rain. Here is Bamgee ringing out our bed.

A group of 5 families arrived on our field so TJam let us dogs bark as much as we liked and they pitched on the opposite side of the field. We sat and watched while they all got stuck in the mud and had to get towed out. You make your own entertainment when you're camping.

We have been told that, being at the base of Snowdon, the campsite has its own weather system. It is sunny 10 minutes down the road. TJam asked if it is ever sunny here when it is raining ten minutes down the road, but they wouldn't answer.

Holidays - day 1

- by Beanz

Today we set off on our holidays. Here I am at the campsite, surveying our beautiful view.

The reason you don't see many people is because they had just had 4 days of torrential rain. The wardens post the weather forecast in the toilet block everyday. It reads, "torrential rain and localised flooding". We always pick a good week for the weather.



If you click on this picture to enlarge it, you will see some mysterious pawprints up the side of the tent. I can't imagine how they got there.

Spam - the Prediction

Everyone in this house is going camping next week. Fine. I can fend for myself and I DO NOT need people to come and check on me. I will tolerate those that TJam asks to visit. I suppose I might eat the food they give me. I reserve my right not to purr if I am feeling particularly abandoned. Although I might concede if they are extra nice. and if I am here.

Meanwhile, TJam is taking bets on how much spam will be in her inbox after a week.

Inauguration

- by Chips Today I went for a walk with Bailey and Scamp and their guardians, Pin and Huddersfield Town. Then we went and celebrated the new decking. TJam admired the decking and us dogs sat on it. I did not bite Bailey or Scamp so TJam is very pleased with me. You can call that my contribution to the celebrations. No one else knows what an achievement this is. I came close a couple of times but I held back. You can see Bailey's bum in this photo. Beanz is not in it because she was on the lawn, too scared to come on the decking because Scamp was sitting on the stairs. She is such a wimp. The humans are calling this evening an inorgration of the decking. or something like that. They drank sparkling wine that they pretended was Champagne. The cork flew right over the top of the house. We hope it didn't hit a car. They lit some candles and talked fast and loud and laughed a lot. Then it rained so we had to come in and then we had to walk home.

Gail

- by TJam

Gail is my dog training teacher. She likes to make sarcastic remarks in lessons in the hope that they will get reported back on this blog. I have always worked on the dog training principle of "ignore the undesirable behaviour and reward the desired behaviour". I apply this to people too (but not to cats because you can't ignore a mouse running down towards your duvet at 3am even though it definitely qualifies as "undesirable").

If I mention Gail's sarcastic remarks, I will be rewarding them and they will continue. Statistically I therefore put myself at risk from public humiliation. If I ignore them they will get more intense in an effort to get them blogged. Same problem. What a dilema.

So, I am going to train an alternative. We need to think of a catchphrase for Gail. Leave your suggestions here. Currently in the lead is, "I said SIT, there was no "h" in it". We had a fairly dramatic additional h this evening. It certainly made me glad I feed dry food (less bulk, as they say).

Now Gail, you can work on your catch phrase. (and you'd better leave me a comment!)

A Different Tack

- by Beanz

After TJam had dragged herself out from the cupboard under the stairs, huffing, "I'm *&^ing sick of this. Either catch it and eat it or DON'T CATCH IT but don't *&^%ing play with it", she decided to take a different tack. Perhaps Carlsberg needs to be asked nicely. She hadn't thought of that.

There was much searching of paper and a thick felt tip pen. Blue tack was vital for the plan (other sticky putties are available).

And here I am trying to examine the finished result. There will be no more mice in this house.

Vacuum Mania

Thank you to my dad who has given me a new vacuum.

I can't believe I am excited about this, but this new super duper all singing all dancing Dyson (yes DYSON!) sucks so hard it took me 20 seconds to unstick it from the floor. Unfortunately the momentum nearly took it into Chips' head. She now has a healthy respect for my housework.

I have hoovered 3 times since yesterday. It is so much fun. And I don't need a new stair carpet. There was a perfectly good one under the woven cat hair layer. Yipee.

Back to normal

I have just waved Mum off at the station. She has been staying for a week, and looked after the dogs while I went to away for the weekend. She has washed everything. It's ok though, I have dirtied a few plates and scattered a few crumbs and it is starting to look just like home again :)

Resting

I went back to the vet this evening. He thinks I have injured my elbow. I am allowed out of the house now, after a week of resting, but I have to stay on the lead for another 2 weeks. Then, I have to build up my walks again. He has stopped my tablets, which is a shame because they were delicious.

Mousy Conclusion

The best case scenario happened.

The mouse is liberated.

It ate all the peanut butter first and had to be shaken out of the trap. Seems it didn't want to leave.

Mousy Un-Fun

By TJam

I am a bit tired this morning. The cat started jumping around the house at about 3.30am. I thought nothing of it.

5:03am I thought I felt Carlsberg's tail brush against my face. When I reached up to feel, there was no body, no legs and no head. In fact, there was no Carlsberg at all. There was also a noise of something small running over my pillow and past my ear. It sounded like a jumpjet.

5:24am The trap is set and full of peanut butter. I can only assume the mouse is camped out under my immovable wardrobe. Best case scenario: the mouse saunters into the trap and I release it. Worst case scenario: The mouse spends several nights dancing on my bed, gets trapped under my covers, chews through my electrics, then, weak with hunger and thirst, it retires under my wardrobe where it carks it and the smell permeates the whole house for weeks. I have a nervous breakdown.

Mousy Fun

By Carlsberg

Last night, I brought TJam home a lovely present. My intention was to bring it home, play with it a while to let everyone join in the fun, then make my kill and eat it. The present was a delicious field mouse.

TJam tried to sleep through phases one and two of the plan. I pounced up on the window ledge and over the bed. Then my plan went horribly wrong.

My mouse was a fighter. It got away. I waited for a while, but I had built up quite an appetite. I got bored waiting for my mouse and went and had some crunchy fish and rice instead. There was still no sign of my mouse, so I went out to play in the fields again.

Anyway it's the thought that counts. I am sure TJam will be pleased, even if she didn't get to see me eat the prize.

Touching Toads (but not licking them)

TJam has been watching a lot of "Panic Room" a tv programme where people overcome their phobias. She has got a bit of a thing about frogs and toads, ever since someone put a frog in a jar behind her in Mrs Honour's Top Infants class. When she looked up, there was a froggy face, doing bulgy froggy things. It made her scream and jump which everyone found hilarious.

Today, there was a toad in the field. TJam made herself touch its back. She told her hand to go forwards and it went backwards of its own accord, so she had to push it forwards with her other hand. I made it my business to run through the therapy session and prance around so the toad could move and make it all the more scary.

Actually toads are quite soft and warm. TJam thanked the toad for helping her, and went on her way, singing and shouting, "I've touched a frog!" as she went. Because she thought at the time it was a frog, and she has only just realised that it ran and didn't jump. And it was a bit bumpy, so it must have been a toad.

In other news, Beanz has got a bad leg and is not allowed to walk. I am enjoying quality time with TJam and am behaving like an angel. Beanz is such a bad influence.

Double-busting

Double-busting (dubble-bust-ing) vb Action carried out by two boobs when they are squeezed into a bra cup that is too small, so it looks like you have four boobs instead of only two.

This is not yet in the Collins Dictionary.

Thank you to Gill in the lingerie department of M&S, who has shown me the light. All this without humiliating me. For all my bravado, it is a little intimidating to stand in a changing cubicle with a stranger with a tape measure. She treated me well, and I have learnt, after 20 years in the wildernerss, that it is possible to have a bra that is comfortable. I step forward into a new level of being.

If one other person reads this and resolves to "be fitted" this post will have been worth it. And of course, if we have another feminist revolution, I will have something to burn.

Scarecrow Festival

The humans went to the local scarecrow festival. There were plenty of scarecrows: dog types, jockies, burglars, policement, fishermen, the mayor, a vicar, two footballers, people taking tea outside the sweetshop and a couple of random characters. Or they may have been locals who had just finished a shift in the hay barn.

There are no photos because there was too much rain. Sorry Kath, who I know will be checking here. You will have to use your imagination. Hopefully next year we can provide the real thing...

Pipkins anyone?

As it was time to leave work, I stood up and said, "It's time......" which set off a flashback of clock faces flashing in front of my eyes and a vaguely uneasy feeling. As I let the experience wash over me, I remembered Hartley Hare, Octavia, and Pig (who had a Brummie accent and what I now know to be hypernasility).

When I got home, I googled Hartley Hare and discovered that my memory was that of Pipkins, the children's tv programme, which I watched during the 70s. It's not often one that pops up in those, "do you remember...." conversations.

I was feeling a little nervous as I scrolled down the page. Hartley Hare used to make me jump and frankly, I admit it, I was scared of him. Scared in that excited kind of way. No, who am I kidding? I was terrified.

When I saw the pictures, a steel dagger twisted in my heart. And is it any wonder?! look at the hare! look at the MONKEY. I'd clearly blocked the Monkey out of my mind and I wish is had stayed that way.

If you want to share my experience, click here and scroll down. If you remember Pipkins, please leave me a comment.

(Die hard fans can look at the Official Pipkins site. There's more information, but less barefaced terror).

Waffles

Today the humans had waffles for breakfast.

Bamgee showed TJam how to use the family waffle iron. It is 40 years old and still going strong.

Here is TJam on her virgin waffle voyage. What a historic moment. Or should that be histrionic?

Happy Birthday Barney!

Barney Rubble is 16 years old! Happy birthday friend.

To be Sung to...

... the tune of 5 green bottles.

5 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the fridge
5 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the fridge
And if 5 wild bird fat balls, fell upon the floor
There's be 4 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the floor.

The mystery of this song is not "where is the 5th fat ball" to which the answer by now is, "in the field, having passed through Chips's gastrointestinal tract" but indeed, "how did the fat balls fall off the fridge in the first place?"

And that, dear reader, is the real mystery.

Pulling it out of the Bag

All that revision paid off. Chips clearly knew it was a special occasion and she really pulled it out of the bag. Walked past two cats on our road walk, wagged her tail at the examiner and (most importantly) didn't get into a fight with her arch enemy. Ok, one of her arch enemies. I'd go so far as to say she enjoyed showing off.

Chips, I'm proud of you. Chips the dog my dad thought I should get rid of because she was too naughty (and Beanz, you can wipe that smug face off your muzzle because he thought you should go back to the dogs' home too).

So Chips is now officially a silver citizen. I will carry her certificate around in case we bump into her other arch enemy and I need proof that she can pull it out of the bag.

Revision

TJam is reading something over and over again. Chips is practising a recall without getting up BEFORE she is called. Something is going on.

Wardrobe - part 3

The wardrobe delivery men arrived today. I had asked for an afternoon delivery so they came at 7.15am.

"Can you put it upstairs please?"

"Sorry love, we can't go upstairs"

"Pardon?"

"We can't go upstairs"

"Well, what do you do in your own house?"

"I mean, health and safety, we're not allowed upstairs"

So here is a picture of my front room.

Of course it is fine for me to take everything upstairs. On pure fury alone I carried a wardrobe unit upstairs and assembled it there and then. But then my adrenaline started to run low and I went back to human levels of strenth and had to phone FlatPack4U to come and help me out with the rest.

Best Before

I am just posting here before writing to Norris McWhirter's people.

Today, TJam had toast and buttered it with margarine that was best before 23rd August 2006. It was totally fine. Is this a record?

What's worse than...

... finding a worm in your apple?

No, actually that's another joke, and a funny one at that.

Today, TJam took our water bowl from the front room, emptied the dregs and filled it from the kitchen tap. When she put it back down again, there were 2 slugs in it. A medium slug and a small slug.

Either they came into the front room and climbed into the bowl, or else they came out of the tap.
So, which is worse?

Wardrobe - part 2

I risk my career and a possible speeding ticket (I just put that in for dramatic effect. Of course I would not really risk my career or speed) to get to Ikea in my lunch hour to order my lovely new wardrobe. Small problem, I have to buy the whole thing and wheel the 3 trolleys to the home delivery area. Thank goodness for the two young men who helped me locate my flatpack and take everything to the checkout. And for the other not-quite-as-young man who helped me to the home delivery area. Thank goodness for a good deodorant.

Could they deliver Friday please? Not a chance: Sunday, Monday or Tuesday only. Is it me, or is that nowhere near 24 or 48 hours?

Wardrobe - part 1

I have been planning an Ikea wardrobe all week. I went online to check everything was in stock. It was. I checked they deliver to our area. They do. I spent an hour ordering it all on the internet. I pressed, "checkout". They don't deliver items ordered on the internet in our area.

I phoned to ask if I could buy stuff today (Tuesday) to be delivered Friday. Only 24-48 hours from ordering to delivery. Order it Wednesday or Thursday.

Ok.

Bored

Dear Chips

We are all bored of seeing pictures like this. Please think of something original to do while I am out. You are nearly 7 years old. That is 49 in human years.

Letting things go

Ok, I'm sorry, I've really let myself go!

I had been to visit the family, had a great birthday with lots of comedy presents that I wanted to tell you about, and we went for afternoon tea at Harvey Nich's (ooooh laaaaa). I have a lovely laminate floor in my bedroom and I'm going to get a real, grown up's wardrobe. I just haven't made it to the computer. And then I ran out of photo storage space so I couldn't put my pics up. Then the dog ate my homework. Then the cat was sick on in. No, wait, that can't be right.

Anyway, I'll try and do better.

Things that do not go together

Dog sick and decking.

Not at any time, but definitely not at 6.13am.

To Our Dog Training Friends

Hooray you made it! Well done to everyone who remembered the address. If you scroll down you will be able to find pictures of your good selves.

Don't forget to leave us a comment too. Just click on "comments" at the bottom of the post.

Love from Beanz

PS Chris, if you put me off again by waving food around or calling my name when I am supposed to be staying or heeling, I will have to set Chips on you! It is her turn the week after next. Be afraid.

Toast

I always thought that toast tasted nicer at Grandma and Grampy's house (when we stayed over and had breakfast in our home made nylon dressing gowns) because Grandma buttered it and then we had sugar on top.

However, I think it was actually because the toast had stood in the toast rack (remember a toast rack?) and was cold when it was buttered.

If you leave your toast to cool before buttering and jamming/marmalading (have I just invented two new verbs?) it tastes like a completely different breakfast. How is that possible? I have no idea. Leave your answers in the comments section please.

Incidentally, Chips was going to be called Toast but then I changed it to Chips.

Sharing

TJam always says I should share nicely. So today I put my nose up to TJam's face and she felt little footsteps promenading on her cheek. Six little footsteps. Yes, I had shared a flea that I had picked up from something dead in the woods. I only shared one. I kept the other six for myself. TJam did not wait for the Frontline to kick in. She shared the flea comb with me and broke her vegan principle of "Do not kill"

I bet you a dog biscuit that you, dear reader, have scratched your head while reading this post.

A New Experience

Today I found myself in a novel situation. I was in a scrap that

a) I did not instigate
b) I did not win

In fact, I would say I was set upon. TJam would say I need to learn that if a dog sets upon Beanz (who runs away) and then pulls its lip at me, I should back off and not even look at at.

It is a shame because I have been doing so well. Yesterday I sniffed 2 puppies on the lead and I did not even try to tell them off. I hope this incident does not affect my newfound mellowness. The humans like me a lot more when I can be trusted in a pub garden while they have a lager shandy.

I Won Something - by Beanz

I did my trick at dog training tonight and I won a prize. Well, actually, I did the trick and TJam won the prize. There's something wrong there but she isn't complaining. And since the prize is chocolate, she isn't letting us dogs anywhere near it.

In my acceptance speech I would like to thank my agent and all those people who TJam pinned down and forced to watch me practise. And I would like to thank my teachers and friends at class.


Here we all are, working hard. TJam took her camera, so if you click here, you can have a look at all our photos of our tricks and the egg and spoon race (which I did not win). I am particularly impressed with Archie on the skateboard. If you have any problems with the slideshow link, or if you want to order copies of any of the pictures to be delivered to your door, you can view the album here.

Flat Stanley goes to Russia

With all the excitement of the last few days, we forgot to tell you, Flat Stanley has been to the Former Soviet Union. Oh yes.

Here he is outside a church. He says he had a very nice time thank you. He's glad he is flat.

Curiousity and the Activated Charcoal

I couldn't resist and I had a little taste. In case you are curious, it tastes of nothing, but it is very very gritty. On balance, it is not to be recommended.

Happy Easter from all of us

Happy Easter to Everyone

We've been for a lovely walk. I'm glad to say there was one happy human with 2 whole live dogs. Carlsberg stayed home but she wishes you a Happy Easter too.

Pondering

I have been pondering the events of the last few days.

1. My hat goes off to Chips. I mean, she managed to polish off two whole bars of dark chocolate. Even I, the great queen of chocolate, would struggle to manage even half of that
2. Isn't life fragile, yet so strong. Can't it be affected by the tiniest of things yet survive a real battering
3. You never know when the unexpected will happen. That is why it is called the unexpected. Appreciate the now. Take nothing for granted
4. Thank goodness for washing machines and good washing powder. Imagine if I'd had to wash all this lot by hand
5. Isn't it amazing that I have actually gone off chocolate. I'm sure it won't last

Black Dog Poo

Never has a black dog poo looked so glorious nor been so celebrated.

I resisted taking a photo.

Not Death by Chocolate today thank you

Today, I had to take the van to be fixed and it had to stay in.

Meanwhile, I received a lovely Easter present through the post. Two bars of yummy dark chocolate.

When I arrived home, all that was left was the wrappers. Happy Easter TJam.

Even more happy Easter because chocolate is poisonous to dogs. We are not talking grape poisonous. There is no "maybe" in chocolate poisoning. Chips was looking a little uncomfortable (as I would have been if only I had had the chance to eat both my bars of chocolate at the same time). Beanz was fine, leaving me to believe that Chips had not shared nicely.

I phone the vet. The toxic dose for a dog Chips's size is 15g of dark chocolate. Chances were she'd had 20 times that. Time to go for some medicine.

No car, so thank you to Silky for coming to pick us up and take us there.

A dose of medication and the ongoing treatment? Activated charcoal.

To the unitiated, this is what it looks like dry. "Try mixing it with their food" said the vet. YUM. Looks tasty.

Beanz ate her own and then Chips's. I hope you can't overdose on charcoal.

Meanwhile, it was plan B for Chips. By this point I had stopped bothering cleaning things up, so I will tackle the black stuff tomorrow. Since 4 hours worth wouldn't stay down, it was little and often. It has to keep going in until it comes out the other end.

According to my frantic internet search, chocolate poisoning symptoms go:

Vomiting, diarrhea, restlessness, tremours, seizures and possibly death. In there somewhere is also a raised heart beat that can cause heart attack. Not joyful reading.

So, working her way dutifully through the list, Chips started on phase 4, the tremours.

Call in Pin (thank you Pin) who took us back to the vet for an injection of diazepam (that's valium to you and me). Lucky dog. I hadn't even got through the sentence, "How long does it take to work?" before Chips's eyes glazed over and she wobbled to the floor. We came home with instructions of what to look for and what might constitute an emergency.

All praise to the vet, who even offered to come and pick us up and take us to the animal hospital in the night if we couldn't get a lift. That is beyond the call of duty and something you don't hear about these days.

By 10pm, Chips was looking a lot more perky. I don't think we'll be needing the valium tablets. Well, I don't think Chips will be needing them. I will be sleeping downstairs to keep an eye on the patient.

You Are What You Eat

And I am slowly becoming Fish and Brown Rice. If you ever needed evidence, here it is.

Swan Flightpath

Today we had the amazing experience of being at the end of a fishing pond when two swans flew in to land. We were at the end of their runway as they splayed their legs out towards us and prepared for touchdown about 5 metres away from us.

I must admit it made me startle a little bit when we heard the whirring sound of them slowing up but TJam says we are very lucky and most people probably haven't had the opportunity of being at the end of the watery runway when swans land on a pond.

Me, I'm just glad they did actually manage to stop. I've heard a swan can break a man's arm.

Cereal Packets

Would it be so difficult to have the little slit to keep your cereal packet closed at both ends and not just at the top, thus increasing your chance of having a cereal packet that will stay closed by 100% ?

Am I the first person to have thought of this?

If my coco pops fall out of their box I will sue.

Microwave Mystery

For the scientists among you:

How is it possible to heat your hot chocolate in the same mug in the microwave with no problems several times, and then to receive 1st (and small 2nd) degree burns to the index and middle fingers when taking out your lovely, appetising drink? This one will not help me sleep better. The drink itself was not even that hot.

Following mind over matter (brain screams "DROP IT DROP IT" while other part of brain screams, "DON'T DROP IT. HOLD IT AND PUT IT DOWN. If you release the cup you will burn the rest of your body") and quickly (very quickly) slamming cup onto the counter I turned my attention to first aid. Luckily I knew what to do in such an instance. I simply followed the procedure from when my (very young) brother tried to take the jam tarts that had just come out of the oven.

Cheers bro. Every cloud has a silver lining. I have used aggressive cold water treatment. I think the wet cloth in a plastic bag would be excessive in this case.

Indignant

We have had our dog food delivered for 5 years. For 5 years, I have forgotten to bring it in for a couple of days.

Today, I went to get the dog food from out the front.

It had been stolen.

Luckily we have a good friend Ann and I went bucket in hand to tide us over until I could get to the petshop.

I will have to stop having our food delivered from an ethical source and go to the pet shop like everyone else. Is nothing sacred?

Relief

Flat Stanley has been playing a cheeky trick on us. but we don't care because STANLEY IS BACK! in fact he was never away! i came home at lunch time and tried to clear a space on the settee for my student to sit. As I moved a pile of junk, THERE WAS STANLEY.

If none of my friends and readers have betrayed me, those Texas kiddies will be none the wiser. If any of you are treacherous snakes in the grass then at least those innocent little children can dry their eyes and enjoy more adventure of Stanley in England (that's England UK, not New England. It's a small country outside the US on the other side of the map).

I don't know whether to hug Stanley or smack his naughty little bottom for playing such a mean trick. At least I now understand better how my mother felt when I once got lost at St Paul's Cathedral.

Disclaimer: The above penultimate statement was for comic effect. No Stanleys will be harmed in the writing of this blog.

Flat Stanley Goes It Alone

During our weekend, Flat Stanley travelled in several bags and pockets to minimise damage.

When we got home from our lovely weekend (and after we had watched the final of Crufts, wish I had put a bet on) I reached into my bag to retreve Flat Stanley and get a final picture of him arriving safely home.

My blood ran cold as I then searched every bag and pocket. After a round of, "I thought you had him" "No, I thought you had him" I realised that Flat Stanley was still grinning if the ruins of Bolton Abbey.

I have emailed Bolton Abbey, but have had no reply as yet. Teri, if you're reading this, please don't let your son see it! Maybe I can get a clone of FS and no one will be any the wiser. I have emailed the teacher for a template. I can't believe I have let this happen to our guest! He wasn't even wearing a coat.

Yorkshire Dales

This weekend we have been to the Yorkshire Dales. We took Flat Stanley in order to educate him in all things English.

We arrived just outside Pateley Bridge at Springfield Farm. We were greeted by a friendly Mrs Baldwin who doubled in our estimation when we found she had left a plate of cakes for afternoon tea and some chocolates on the mantelpiece. That, and the fact that the cottage was impeccable in every way. We couldn't fault it. There was even a little garden where dogs could go. If it had not been the end of winter, we could also have made use of the garden furnature and the swings. If you are planning a holiday in the Yorkshire Dales, email me and I will give you Mrs Baldwin's phone number.

Anyway, Flat Stanley had several rounds of afternoon tea over the weekend. We were in the middle of nowhere, so we could walk the dogs for miles. Given our recent sheep experiences, the dogs stayed mostly on the lead.

We saw a small miracle. A little lamb that had just been born and was standing for the first time and drinking for the first time. While the mother ate the afterbirth. Yes, you heard right. That herbivore was eating raw flesh. Nature is a mystery but I'm told she knows best. Then another sheep went over to say hello.

We walked to Brimham Rocks. They are 3 million years old or something, and very very impressive. Some of them are balanced on a tiny stone but they don't fall over.

By the time we came down the hill, the mummy and lamb were gone. I can only hope they had been taken in by the farmer for warmth and shelter, and not that lamby had gone straight into a casserole.

On the way home from our little holiday, we stopped at Bishop's Abbey and had a lovely walk. Flat Stanley had his photo taken on the ruins.
We arrived home tired, happy and refreshed.

Guess Who's Here

Yup, the long awaited Flat Stanley is here! He was waiting for us on the doormat when we got back from our walk.

I popped him through the laminator to keep him safe in this house of savages, and then introduced him to a nice cup of tea. How very English. He has written a letter to the children in Texas and is looking forward to his adventures in Europe (and maybe beyond).

Ideas for anything Stanley can try and report back on? Leave a suggestion in the comments. Clean ones only please.

Wating for Flat Stanley

We are waiting for Flat Stanley in the post. He has posted himself from Texas and is looking forward to adventures in the North West of England. He wants to have his photo taken and send it back to his friends in the States.

I hope he can understand our accent.

A New Emotion

TJam is having a new emotion today.

VERY PROUD OF CHIPS

She took me to the new agility class. I did not get stressed. I sniffed faces with 3 other dogs on the lead and I did all the equipment. At first I didn't realise I was supposed to stay on the plank 5 foot off the ground and I kept jumping off. In the end, I got the hang of it.

A small border terrier got free and came for my throat. I used reasonable force to protect myself but nothing more. No blood was shed. When they caught the border, I let the whole matter drop and asked for a treat and thought no more about it.

I looked normal the whole time and the teacher said I can soon come off the lead.

Uncle Gardener's Party

This weekend we have all been down south to celebrate Uncle Gardener's 70th birthday.

Congratulations to the youthful Uncle Gardener and well done to the whole team for turning a small, sticky bar area into a balloon and streamer packed, candlelit, tableclothed party place.

The food was fab. I particularly liked the 2 labels on the food for us funny eaters.
1. vegetable rice (a bowl of rice with vegetables)
2. "contains garlic" (the mini pizzas)

I could only deduce from this that the rest of the food was not vegetable rice, and/or did not contain garlic. Or, I suppose, that Auntie Gardener ran out of labels :)

It was great for us to all get together. I loved it when people asked me, "How do you know G?". Inside I said, "what, Uncle Gardener you mean? The clue is in the name" and on the outside I said "He's my uncle."

There was plenty of, "Last time I saw you, you were this high, running naked round the garden covered only in red indian body paint" (I hasten to add that the, "this high" they were referring to dates the incident to about 1978, and at the time we had not heard of the term, "Native American Indian").

Now, I am a fairly open-minded kinda gal, so I wasn't phased when my cousin told me that his 3 year-old son may not answer to the name "T" at the moment. So as not to commit a social faux pas, I asked what name he was going by at that time.

Lily.

As it turned out, when Lily arrived, s/he was no longer Lily, but Princess Leia, which I shortened to, "Princess". The princess didn't seem to mind that and we had a good game of balloon sword fighting.

So all in all, a fabulous party and we went for Chinese all you can eat on Sunday.

Thank you Uncle and Auntie Gardener for inviting me!

Dr Chips researches again (so soon)

10 day old baked beans with mould on.

No news is good news

By Dr Chips - PhD (Dr of Phood)

I am Banned from Scientific Research

Today I have been banned from scientific research.

If you search the internet, you will see that grapes can be poisonous for dogs. Luckily, the word is "can", not definitely "is".

I did research this area once before and ate a bag of grapes. I also ran the gauntlet with nuts and raisins a couple of times. At the time, TJam thought it was funny, because she didn't know that grapes can cause acute kidney failure and death.

So today she was not laughing when she washed a bag of grapes and left them to dry on the side, and then went to work. She was not laughing when she came home and they were gone, and so was half a punnet of cherry tomatoes, which it turns out, can also be poisonous for dogs.

The internet recommeded agressive vetenary intervention, but 7 hours had already passed and I was fine and ate my tea and went for a walk. I didn't even have the decency to vomit. And those were expensive and tastey grapes and TJam had been looking forward to them.

I would like to add the results of my experiment to the growing body of research as one of the "a bag of grapes is not poisonous to all dogs" contibutions to add balance to this field.

However, I will not be allowed to research this area again.

Mould on mould

I'm guessing that mould growing on the mushrooms in your fridge is not a good sign

Ta da!

Ladies and Gentlemen

I present to you one scarf, modelled by the lovely Bamgee.

25 stitches at one end and 25 stitches at the other.

Knitted by my own fair hand.

Ta da indeed.

New Hobby

(Carlsberg fans will be glad to know that she has reclaimed her place on the bed, a sure sign that she is feeling better. So she should be after 2 injections of antibiotics.)

I have a new hobby. Or rather, I have reactivated an old one, but I hope that, 30 years on, I will be better at it.Here is a picture of my first attempt at knitting. You will see that I started with 5 stitches at point A, and then seemed to think every thread was a stitch, until my scarf for teddy doubled its size (B). Mum probably pointed out to me that you don't split the wool, and so my scarf went on a diet (point C) before becoming some kind of fraying giant, at which point I gave up (point D).

So, here I am, embarking on another scarf. I started with 25 stitches and so far (into my 2nd ball now) I still have 25 stitches.

Are you impressed?

Dangerous Dogs? - by Carlsberg

This blog is not a political one. Unless you count the (shortlived) "let dogs sleep in a double bed on a memory foam matress" campaign politcal.

But TJam did promise Linda a link to the 10 Downing Street Petition against legislating against dogs because of the breed they are. Because in this house, we believe it is the way a dog is raised and treated that affects the way it behaves, and although breed influences part of this, the breed of a dog absolutely does not make it bad. The Kennel Club, The Association of Pet Dog Trainers, The Blue Cross and Victoria Stillwell off the tele all think this too. So Linda, click here to sign the petition. You might also was to look at this website: Deed not Breed. We advise you don't watch the video unless you have plenty of tissues handy.

And now I will get off my soapbox and go out and get in a fight so that when TJam comes home tomorrow she will find blood on the duvet and I will be hiding under the bed. Then, she can worry all night before she can ring the vet on Monday morning.

Our SNOW (part 2)

WE GOT IT!

We had to walk up a big hill to get it, but it was worth it. Deep lovely white snow! The drifts came over TJam's wellies (very fine wellies they are turning out to be). I kept eating it and charging around in it (while eating it). I was soaked and so very very happy.

Now we are down, the snow has changed to rain but nothing can take away our lovely snow of the morning.

Our snow

WHERE IS IT?

The dogs and I are very disappointed at only a sprinking of icing sugar over the ground. Hardly enough to even leave footprints in. Meanwhile, the rest of the country has ground to a halt.

We didn't move to the north west for sunshine and tropical conditions you know. and now we have the best weather in the country. What's going on?

I will have to save my, "Sorry I can't come in to work, I'm snowed in" excuse for another day. There had better be another day. I am having snowman withdrawal symptoms.