Cat's Christmas

- by Carlsberg

This week I have been very helpful with the wrapping. I love to jump underneath all the paper. TJam loves it when I do that, especially when she is trying to get everything done before Christmas.

Beanz has not been helpful at all. She has been sleeping in front of the fire.

The humans had Christmas part 1. I helped Bamgee decorate the tree.

I put the tinsel in its place by boxing it playfully.

I found time to practise my indignant look.
GREEN tinsel?!?!
Whatever were they thinking?

I investigated the decorations and made sure they were up to scratch.

I got in the decorations box to make sure TJam hadn't missed anything and while I was there, I had a little bite on those long dangly decorations that TJam won't use any more because I try to eat them and she has to pull them out of my throat.

Then the humans had their Christmas dinner and I got some extra catnip drops for keeping out of the way.

Merry Cat's Christmas to you all!

Getting Christmassy

- by Chips

The humans left us at home last weekend, while they went off to get into the festive spirit. TJam, Bamgee and Hatty (that's her spy name) went into the town and got their blades on. There was only one fall in the whole hour and no blood was spilt. Bones remained intact too.

Then they went to the European Market, which was jam packed, and had mulled wine and bought some Christmas presents. TJam says she is not getting us dogs anything, as we have her blood, sweat and tears (and money) all year round. I'm sure she must be joking though. They met Lamb Chop (that's her spy name) for a second glass of wine and then rolled home. They weren't too far gone to feed us, thank goodness.

Squirrels - the Rematch

- by Beanz

So near yet so far, they tantalise me. Those bushy little tails, cute little chase-me eyes. This one clung stock still like that for AGES. So still I didn't even SEE it. Luckily TJam got in with the camera and I have to put up with taunts of, "Beanz the Squirreller? You're RUBBISH" and other such subtle ribbing.In other news, I have been wearing a new collar. It is a little bit heavier than my normal one but other than that, there doesn't seem to be any difference...

Snowmen

- by Beanz

The local kids built a snowman on the common.

TJam let me have a look at it. She did't let me eat the carrot for a nose.

Bamgee walked me. She is not so experienced in thinking ahead on my behalf to avert disaster.

I was very gentle.

I took the carrot and dropped it on the floor.

I ate the carrot.

I love snowmen.

Busy Night

23:00h Settled down for the night on TJam's shoulder. She has been away for the weekend so I was glad to see her. Plus there was a frost and it was cold.

00:23h TJam disturbed me for a bathroom break. I moved onto the warm bit so she had to get back into the cold side of the bed.

03:57h I felt nocturnal and went out in the garden.

04:20h I brought my little mouse up into the bedroom to welcome TJam home properly.

04:23h I gave my best, "I've got a little present for you" call.

04:24h TJam clipped my claws the other day and because of this, I could not hold my prey securely and it ran under the bed. I ran after it.

04:25h Chased mouse from out of my playtime paper bag.

04:26h Mouse ran into the folded up plastic Christmas tree which is now out of storage and waiting to be put up. Distinct lack of help from TJam.

04:27-04:34h TJam started to come to and say something that sounded to me like, "Oh Carlsberg! You are so clever! You've brought me a lovely present! Thank you!" She came over to look more closely at my gift. I patted it so she could have a go at catching it herself.

04:35h TJam went for the humane mouse trap. I went into the other bedroom.

04:37h Mouse ran into trap (no bait needed, it was glad to run into a dark space).

04:38h Mouse deposited into garden.

04:39h Garden too frosted up to use for toiletting purposes.

04:40h TJam returned to bed.


04:44h Still experiencing thrill of the chase, so stalked around bedroom jumping on paper bags and all my toys.

04:57h Went on pre-going-to-sleep patrol of the house.


05:13h Settled back down on the bed again. Purred contentedly.

05:23h TJam's adrenalin levels returned to normal and she settled back to sleep.

05:24h House quiet again.

1st Rule of the Playground

- by Carlsberg

Rule 1: If you've licked it, it's yours.

Temporarily Forgetting Yourself

- by Beanz

This morning I was innocently lying on my bed and TJam was making a call to the bank, on behalf of a (hitherto) reputable organisation. TJam got her diary to check something and put it on the windowsill.

Chips thought she heard a noise outside and forgot temporarily that she is not allowed to jump on the windowsill. Such activity is forbidden since Chips jumped clean through the window in 2002 and the police had to ring TJam at work for her to come and get her dogs off the main road.

Anyway, the automated person on the phone announced that the call would be recorded when TJam (also temporarily) forgot herself and shouted, "Get of my F***ing diary you stupid dog" as Chips put her muddy paw all over Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and ripped the page right out and skidded it up the ledge.

The call wasn't taken for another 90 seconds, so we are hoping the recording also didn't start until 90 seconds after the incident. If she heard anything, the operator didn't let on. TJam got stuff sorted with the bank.

TJam did take a comedy photo of the diary for evidence, but it had confidential information on it so I can't post it. I will leave it to your imagination.

PS I am not pointing the finger at others in this post because I have done so so very wrong that I am creating a diversion.
PPS Besides which, we have not told the person concerned about what I did so we can't publish it til we have sorted it out face to face with the wronged party.
PPPS Yes, this does mean that we might owe YOU an apology. If TJam phones you in the next few days, you should probably worry.

Just Like Old Times

- by TJam

This evening I was sitting innocently by the computer, when I heard that past and distant "mraaawl" that Carlsberg used to do when she brought a mouse into the house.

Of course it is nearly a year since Carlsberg was incarcerated provided with a spacious yet secure environment, and therefore nearly a year since the last mouse incident. Surely there are no mice in our garden. They wouldn't dare.

So I didn't hurry to the front door. When I got there I wished I'd gone a bit slower. Force of habit, I took my camera with me... (you might need to click on the photo to enlarge it for full view)...

Mr Mouse ran behind my shoes! Horror. I dug out the old mouse trap from under the sink and Mr M is now back in the garden. Whether that is with a body temperature of 37C or with rigamortis set in by now I couldn't rightly say, but Carlsberg seems to have lost her touch and couldn't put it out of its misery. Let's hope she doesn't decide to practise any more this evening.

Not So Bad

- by Carlsberg

In defence of Chips and her run of Very Naughty Doings (a couple of which could not be mentioned on a family blog) I would like to say that she is very good at sharing a bed. In the last couple of weeks, Chips has proved that 100g of dark chocolate is not so much of a problem for a 12.5kg as websites and vets would have you believe, even when chased with 8 soya based sausages, and that if you eat enough windfall apples you will wee more than usual.

Experiment complete.

Washing part II

-by Chips

I decided that just shaking on the clean washing was not enough. To properly leave your mark you need to get right in there.

Boy am I popular this week. PS They could do with making laundry baskets just a tiny bit bigger to accommodate a wider variety of canines. I might write to my MP and suggest it.

Caught Short

- by Chips

If you are ever caught short in the night, might I suggest that an excellent place to wee is on top of your human's laptop bag? Especially if that laptop bag belongs to work.

Of course, you should only try this if you have excellent balance and aim.

It goes down especially well if your human has left out a towel for you to wee on but you leave that towel bone dry.

PS, there was no laptop in the bag at the time and even if their had been, there would have been no damage done as the bag is fully waterproof. We have the proof and utterly endorse this make of bag.

Spooky Coincidences on Halloween

- by Chips

I don't know what gives you the idea that I have been up on the kitchen counter.

Um, no... I don't think TJam left out a tin of catfood... not that I've noticed anway...

It must be a ghost photo...

You're right, it really does look like I've got a tin of Whiskers in my mouth.

Perhaps 100 years ago an agrieved cat vowed never to rest until her tin of catfood was found.

Spooky.

It is complete coincidence that this catfood tin is empty to the depth of 10cm and that my tongue is 10cm long. Who would have thought it.

Happy Halloween! Hope yours is not as spooky as ours.

Snow? In October?

- by Beanz

Here is my photo entitled, "Quick let me back in the house, I need to grow
my winter coat."

Catching Up

- by TJam

There is loads of blogging to catch up with.

Like I have been on a treadmill. It was fun. And we got evacuated from the park so they could use it as a flood basin.

But the first episode of the new series of Spooks is on tonight. Only 3 hours and 10 minutes to go. Just time to walk dogs and have tea.

Hooray. I have been waiting 11 months for this. I feel another fan letter coming on.

TJam's Bad Hair Day

- by Chips

Oh dear. Perhaps TJam should have put her "cheer you up in the morning lamp" to warp 21 this morning.

I know I didn't make it any better but I just couldn't resist going through the bins at the rugby club. Neither could Beanz. She performed a perfect version of her famous "Stand-until-TJam-turns-a-corner-then-run-for-it" move. It's all in the critical distance. Tjam was only saying the other day that she fancied trying CaniX, so I don't know why she was so furious.

And what other choice did we have when we got back from our walk but to shake? If TJam had only left the clean washing in the machine for a week til it went mouldy like she usually does, this would never have happened:

It's not that TJam is anal or annoyed or anything, but she had to go for a 2nd close up, just in case you were in any doubt:

Once it's on the bed she'll never notice.

Sausages

- by Beanz

TJam got these vegan sausages.

When she looked at their name properly she seemed a bit nervous.

I don't know why, and I would be happy to help her out.

(Our American friends may like to read the following extract from Wikipaedia:

"A knacker is a person in the trade of rendering animals that are unfit for human consumption, such as horses that can no longer work. This leads to the slang expression "knackered" meaning very tired, or "ready for the knacker’s yard", where old horses are slaughtered and made into dog food and glue.

"Knackers" is also British/Australasian slang for testicles")

Which begs the question:

Who named these sausages and are they really suitable for vegans?

PS TJam's mum, I hope you did not read this blog entry.

Job Done

- by Carlsberg

Today I jumped on the keyboard and stood for a long time on the delete button so the whole of TJam's inbox was wiped out.

Then I pretended I didn't know what was going on and acted indignant when TJam pushed me off the keys.

That should keep her busy for a while.

Sesame Street

- by TJam

This post is brought to you by the letters W H A T T H E B L O O M I N G H E C K I S G O I N G O and N, and by the number 7.

7 possible titles for this post from TJam's point of view:
1. Bad things happen in 3s
2. Too ashamed to tell you what I did
3. Chocolate
4. I don't know how I'm going to make the last couple of days sound funny
5. Beanz and the Lamb Shank
6. Sorry I was late (I was cleaning up dog sick)
7. You know you're going to be mentioned on this blog when TJam asks you what you want your spy name to be


7 possible titles for this post from Chips's point of view:
1. Mmmm chocolate
2. Mmmm activated charcoal
3. Why did you leave out so little?
4. All's well that ends well
5. Grrr I can't believe Beanz got to the lamb shank first
6. Sorry about the sick in the cupboard under the stairs
7. I'm fine. Will you stop looking at me?

7 possible titles for this post from Beanz's point of view:
1. I must remember to jump up on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night
2. My Lamb Shank
3. My sprint across the field
4. Foiled by the 2 human pincer move expertly executed by TJam and B1B2 (that's her spy name)
5. How to remember where things are and go back to look for them
6. Please don't buy a remote spray collar
7. Well, if you ever think that you have got things under control, of course a dog will have to put you in your place

Possible photos to illustrate this post:

Remember this?

Ah yes, activated charcoal.

Hello old friend.

When I downloaded my photos, I found this one of the sky 2 weeks ago. See
how blue it was that one day.

Lucky we had a meat eating frient with us to identify the booty.

See, we can leave it if we have to. Wait... why are you putting that in the bin?

WAIIIIITTTTTT!

PS Good luck B2

Don't Say I Never Give You Anything

- by Chips (no photos)

The unconditional love of a dog does not have monetary value and I have nothing else to give.

Or so I thought until the other night.

The following morning TJam had a veritable feast of stuff awaiting her. I managed to raid the bin all over the kitchen floor (2 rotting peaches) and leave 3 substantial samples of urine, faeces and vomit in 3 different locations. Got the phone wires in the trajectory, and the desk leg.

Surely TJam could not ask for anything more.

I know she appreciated it from all the squealing and dancing about, collecting souvenirs.

Dizzy Departs

- by Carlsberg

Dizzy

A hazy time around 1991- 1st Oct 2008

It is with feline sadness that I report Dizzy has made her final visit to the vet, and is now in the great cattery in the sky.

Dizzy arrived at TJam's student accommodatioin around the 1991 mark. Her housemate Mandy, overheard a woman in the ASDA queue saying that she had some kittens going, so she took it upon herself to bring one home.

Living in a student house in Madchester, Dizzy used up many of her 9 lives. She slipped on the window ledge and fell out of 1st floor window, she did 2 rotations in a tumble dryer (TJam says she wishes she had reported them to the police. Alex - shame on you) and she attended her fair share of student parties (I'm not saying laws were broken or anything but she wasn't a stranger to passive smoking).

She was a dab hand at the allnight essay writing sessions.

TJam's housemates got a cat they liked better, but that Dizzy didn't like at all. They wanted to get rid of Dizzy and keep the cat that cuddled them. So Dizzy went to London to live with TJam's mum and dad. She used up lives 4 and 5 travelling in a Rover Metro down the M1 at ahem, 70 mph, and when she met their dog for the first time and ran up the curtains.

Dizzy lived upstairs and inventively used the toilet window to enter and exit her penthouse.

And there she lived out her days, with TJam's dad pretending not to like cats and by keeping everyone on their toes by pretending to be friendly and then going for them and drawing blood when least expected.

These last few days she made it clear it was time to check out, and check out she has.

I'll miss your witty comments on my blog (unless... you couldn't... could you?)

Chase a few birds up there for me!

love from Carlsberg

PS Is it too soon to ask if you had any treats left over that you couldn't manage to eat?

Not As It Seems

- by Carlsberg

You might think from this picture that I am lounging around (note the SUN, that is a bright yellow ball in the sky that we see twice a year) on a beautifully cultivated lawn...

but in fact...

TJam has built me the tiniest litter tray of grass for me to eat and use as I see fit.

I suppose it's better than nothing although it wouldn't do for me to grow any more.

PS It was my gotcha day on Monday and there was a distinct lack of celebrating. I am 6.

A Time and a Place

- by Beanz

Is the vet'nery surgery a place for comedy?

Today I had to go the V. E. T. to a certain intimate procedure. Think sacs. Think anal.

So, I was in the waiting room, and my v. e. t. Alex (there now Alex, you're named and shamed) thought it was funny to come into the waiting room, call my name and ping his rubber glove on his upheld hand.

How the humans laughed.

Revenge is best served cold.

Go APE!!!

- by Chips

Look what they are building where we go walking...

It is GO APE!

TJam is excited about the prospect of swinging through the trees (and doing a Tarzan ahhhh-eee--ahhh-eee-ahhhhhhh-eee-ah-eee-ahhhhhhhhh)

and I am excited that the workmen keep leaving their butties out on a tree stump and since they are up the trees, working, they can't get at me to stop me eating them until it is too late. and they don't learn to to leave their lunch out. And they just put a flimsy piece of tape out that says, "Keep Out" in human writing that I pretend I can't read. Yay!

Little Help from my Friends?

- by TJam

Not sure if you can help me out, but my alarm has just gone off to remind me to do something. Problem is, it says, "Feed Pin's fish" and that was last week and now I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I definitely set it for today at 5pm.

Any ideas?

PS why does the snooze function go off after 9 minutes? Is that to please the people who like odd numbers? Square numbers?

Assuming

- by Chips

Why does everyone assume that it was me that raided the recycling?

Water Water Everywhere

- by Beanz

I am told we are lucky that we are not on a flood warning, like lots of other people.

I like water (as long as it doesn't come above my elbows) so I was excited that on our walk today, this was our path... And this was the football pitch...
...and the tennis courts...
...and I had a little paddle in the basketball court...

Then, we went to one of my favourite fields and I had a little paddle there too.
The humans say we have had a month's rainfall in a day or something.

We are lucky that round here it is still fun.

I will enjoy it while I can.

TJam is sick of it. She hasn't got any dry clothes.

But we do have a dry house.

PS TJam saw an enormous deer today, but by the time I scented it, she had put me on the lead.

Foiled!

Delayed Gratification (or not)

- by Chips

If, while your owner is out, you break open the special (and delicious) "won't break up in your pocket" treats that have been saved for rewards for your Pets as Therapy visit, then you won't have any nice treats for doing Pets As Therapy.

You have been warned.

Do not ask me how I know this. It will only upset me.

Rabbity Holiday

- by Beanz

Last week we went on our holidays to this fab cottage in the North East. See all those fields around the house? They were FULL of rabbits! It was like heaven. I had to stay on the lead the entire holiday. As soon as we arrived at the house, I dived under the outbuilding.

Yes sireee, I smell rabbits here. Let me at'em!

I went on high alert on day 1, and remained on high alert for 5 whole days. I couldn't go to the toilet for 24 whole hours because I was so busy watching for rabbits.

There were sheep in the fields but I wasn't interested in them at all. Well, I could have been persuaded if they ran really fast, but they didn't really do it for me.

At one point I put my head down a rabbit hole and there was a rabbit in there! I touched it. It ran out. I jumped 10 foot into the air! It was fantastic!

There were rabbits in the walls and the fields were like rabbit carpet.

Even when we went to Hadrian's wall, I had my rabbiting face on:

I did manage to relax for a couple of minutes to have a dip in this lovely refreshing water. My only 30 seconds off the lead for the entire holiday.

And that was my holiday. Next time, I would like to go off the lead and do some proper chasing.

Reasons (Not Excuses)

- by TJam

Reason 1: Why we have not been blogging.

Firstly a big sorry to people who came to read the bin-raiders and we weren't here. It is my fault and the animals are ashamed of me. The reason is a few things were going on (including a holiday that we thought it best not to announce here on account of any burglars that might be passing though). Plus we did not realise anyone might worry about us. Sorry.

Reason 2: Why we decided not to camp last week, but hired a cottage instead.

2008 - the day before we were due to camp

20072006

2006 - just in case you were in any doubt

So, we are not wimps, we have gone with discretion being the better part of valour.

Old Friend

-by TJam

I have recently met up with my oldest friend. We have been friends since we were 4. I'm not going to tell you how long that is.

Her spy name is Towny Farm because she used to live in a town house. It was a house where you had to go UPSTAIRS to get to the lounge! Imagine!

Anyway, here is the Towny Farm family. It was lovely to see her and all her lovely family :)

Punishment or consequence?

- by Chips

TJam is always trying to get her head round the difference between consequence and punishment.

Consequence is what happens because I do something naughty.

Punishment is when something bad happens because I did something naughty.

Anyway, today I forgot myself and barked at another dog in the street. I was eyeballing the dog for maximum pleasure and watched it as it walked behind me.

TJam did NOT tell me there was a lamppost coming up.


I leave the rest to your imagination. Dignity was not involved.

BLAM

I was stunned. I forgot about the dog. I carried on walking.

TJam chuckled in a You've Been Framed kind of way and said, "Serves you right!" in a not very nice kind of way.

So the next time I saw a dog, know what I did? I barked right at it. I resolve only to respond to positive reinforcement from now on.

Curly Fries

- by TJam

I love them. Yum.

And I have found a place that sells them*

Hooray.

* This is an actual photo of my actual lunch.

The Camera Lies

- by Beanz

Humans avert your eyes. The camera lies. I did not roll in fox poo. I do not need a bath. I repeat I do not... what's that sponge? What's that bucket? It's an optical illusion I tell you!

I AM CLEAN!!

Smell how clean I am!

Cut to the Quick

- by Beanz

And no, I am not talking about me being offended by people pointing out my grey silvery bits on my chest and chin.

I mean that TJam was clipping my claws and she actually did cut my quick. I made sure there was plenty of blood so she would feel suitably ashamed. It hurt a bit at the time, but I was well enough to eat a chew and let her clip my other claws.

Here I am, milking my audience. Chips tried to get in on the act with her, "I'm so cute, look at me lifting my injured paw" routine.
But surely no one is going to fall for that.