Doggy Maths

- by Professor Carlsberg


Although the photography is not very good (blame my staff), here is a good doggy illustration of the mathmatical concept of inverse proportionality. The size of the bottles collected on this walk are inversely proportional to the size of the dog that collected it (but proportional to their position within the hierarchy). Meouw. Now open my pouch of duck in gravy.

Ooops

- by Beanz

Ooops I was so proud about our best friend award by Marvin 007 and three quarters, that I forgot to pass it on! What kind of best friend am I?!

Anyway, I would like to award it to the SUMD and Mack the poolovinmutt.

Writings from the Not So Sick Bed

- by Chips

Ooo I do feel much better today. I have wolfed down breakfast, dinner and tea and had a chew stick besides. I tried to persuade TJam that I needed some chips and mushy peas but she was having none of it. Meany.

TJam has been on the phone today to a Co Aww Dinator. She has put my and Beanz's name down to do Pets and Therapy (PAT). That would mean we could go and visit people who aren't allowed to have pets, like people in nursing homes or hospices.

We have to be assessed first. I should think they don't want irreverant happenings to let the charity name down. Or for us to do anything too unexpected on a cardiac ward. We have to take a form to the vet on Friday. That is the first step.

At first, TJam thought I shouldn't mention it in case we don't pass the assessment, but I said, since we have already aired all our dirty laundry in public, we have nothing to lose and at least we will raise the profile of PAT animals. Then TJam reminded me that we do still have a couple of stories (and photos) saved up for a rainy day. It is our gotcha day soon so maybe we will get to air them then.

Carlsberg has not put her name down. Although maybe she should because she is a lot of fun and she has got a lot more friendly since she lived at home. Even if her claws are a lot sharper and need clipping again. Maybe we will get her a harness. She is hours of fun, especially now she has discovered catnip. I will ask her to tell you all about it one day.

Flooding, Monsters and a Poorly Friend

- by Beanz

We have had a busy weekend. We went to Madchenster (that's its spy name) and when we went for a walk this morning, my park was completely flooded! You can see the little bridge over the stream is almost completely under water. I had a good paddle and splash around, but Chips has not been feeling herself so she just had a little drink.
We couldn't walk across the park (I did try but TJam's new wellies sprung a leak and Chips didn't want to) so we went a different way. We found a funny bench with a monster thing at the end. I had a good old bark at it at first but once TJam had balanced a couple of treats on its nose, I didn't mind it so much. I don't really like fake animal model things. Chips was not bothered and she got on the bench and admired the intricate carvings until I was ready to pose.

Chips was feeling a bit better this morning. On Friday she didn't eat her lunch or her tea. That is the first time she has ever been actually poorly (and not in some kind of accident or escapade, too numerous to name here). So even though she is no stranger to the vet's it was odd that we didn't know what was wrong with her. The only time she has ever refused food was when she had secretly eaten half a bag of dried dog food. No one knew so they thought she might have bloat and TJam had to fork out £56 after hours vet care.

Anyway, this time, she had a high temperature so she got some antibiotics and painkillers. They did her good Saturday and Sunday morning, but this evening she didn't eat a chew stick so we are watching her again. She is feeling sorry for herself. I am being good and not getting jealous of her. TJam says I have had my fair share of medical emergencies and I am not to a) catch anything and b) fake anything for the attention. No danger there. I do not want to miss my walk in case they have had a party at the rugby club over the weekend and there is some hoovering up to do. Monday morning is hoovering morning.

Sleep it off Chips. I miss you boxing me and biting my neck when I am trying to nibble your face. It is boring when you just turn away sadly.

Words to the Wise

- by Chips

1. If you roll in fox poo, make sure you have just been frontlined (other flea prevention products are available). Then you can't be bathed because it will wash off £5 worth of chemicals.

2. If you are a human and you find out that your supermarket Brand Oven Bottom Muffins are vegan, don't get too excited. They are not the same muffins of your childhood, they are in fact, bread rolls. You can buy some raspberry jam specially, but that will only fool you part way. Bread is bread and muffins are muffins.

Dreaming...

- by Chips
It has been so rainy and horrible that I am cheering myself up with a little remembering of last year's camping trip, when I got time to read my magazine with Bamgee (that's her spy name) out in the sun. Sun. If I think really hard about it I can just about remember what it is like. In this picture, Bamgee is helping me with some of the longer words.

Little Venture

- by Carlsberg
I have had a few little jaunts out the back and had a good scratch of the shed thing. Then I had a little sit on the chair. Then I came in. It's cold out there.

Rain, Rain Go Away

-by Beanz

Rain. I am not impressed. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a bit of rain but I don't like still being wet indoors. I am quite bored of the whole rain thing. I don't like wearing a coat cos I can't sit down in it. It feels funny.

I have been prompted to add that we are lucky here and at least we are not flooded. I am a dog. That kind of meta-appreciativeness thing is for humans to be grateful about. (I am glad to be in a warm house though). And TJam is feeling for all those on flood alert.

PS Rain, don't bother coming back for another day any day soon.

PPS Thanks

This is the Life

- by Beanz

Ahhhh luxury.

Meanwhile...

- by Carlsberg

The enclosure is up and done! but I haven't got a photo yet. I nipped out briefly a couple of times but it is FREEZING out there, especially since my fur hasn't fully grown back since my surgery. Plus I haven't been out for 6 weeks (apart from my brief break for freedom on Tuesday when I made it half way down the garden before getting overwhelmed and allowing myself to be caught and brought back in) so it's all a bit much for me.

In the meantime, while I was building up my strength, I noticed TJam had left the lid off the dog food. I had a taste, and then a bit more of a taste. It is actually very nice. And there's just so much of it!

Back Porch Activity

- by Chips
There has been a lot of Back Porch Activity today. At first I went out to watch but it was a bit cold so I left TJam's dad out there, doing his thing.

Now that Carlsberg has had two life-threatening abscesses (and numerous other kinds), her wanderings are being curtailed. The humans have begun fencing in the porch, as a temporary measure until we can secure the garden. Then we can have the back door open again, and Carls can get some fresh air. Her stinking litter tray will be better off out there aswell.

Work went on until after dark. This is a serious project.

If I am feeling gangsta, I will pretend that it is a cage to stop drunks throwing bottles at us. Or maybe that it is bulletproof. Then we can sit outside and look well 'ard.

Reservoir Trip

- by Chips
TJam's parents arrived last night and this morning, we went to the reservoir. It was a bit grey but still very beautiful. Here is TJam's mum, whose spy name hasn't been decided yet. She can always get my attention by putting her hands in her pockets. In fact Beanz and I love anyone who puts their hands in their pockets.

Spot the Cat IV

- by Carlsberg

I have to thank the great Father Christmas for this great present...

...that has made my fourth "Spot the Cat" feature possible:

(TJam has asked me to add that the house is now looking a lot tidier now that she has finished tidying it with an hour in hand until her parents arrive...)

Bin-raiding

- by Beanz Ok, so I am not a professional bin-raider. Not in the Chips league. But if Chips and TJam go out and leave me alone with a bin, then this is what they will get. It may only be a pile of rubbish, but it's my pile and it's my rubbish.

A First

- by Beanz
Well, today is a First. I have been given a Best Friends award by Marvin! He is my new online friend. I liked him because he looks like me (or I look like him). Now I like him because he his funny and friendly and kind.

Thank you Marvin. I am honoured!

In other news (because I am not allowed to get bigheaded), TJam is frantically cleaning the house. Her parents are coming to stay this weekend. We have yet to give them spy names. The possibilities are endless but TJam doesn't want to be excommunicated.

By the way, if you want a spy name for use in this blog, leave a comment for what you would like to be known as.

Spot the Cat III

Spot the Cat II

Spot the Cat I

- by Carlsberg
In the (fading) spirit of Christmas, I would like to re-launch my "Spot the Cat" feature. Here is my 12th night offering. See if you can spot me.

Happy New Year

- by Beanz Happy New Year to Everyone!

It has been a cold start to the year and I managed a walk on the pond. I couldn't stop sniffing it. It was very exciting.

We have been overhauling the blog too. No more human postings. It's animal only. And we are giving pseudonyms to all our human friends to avoid identity fraud. And because it's much more exciting and gangsta that way.

TJam (as she will now be known) would have liked to be a spy, if she had been clever enough. Unfortunately she is not. Well, fortunately for us, because otherwise she would be off, saving the world, when there are more important things closer to home, like feeding US.

Anyway, at the risk of repeating myself, happy new year to everyone.

(And kudos to all of us who managed to sleep in the humans' bedroom on the pretext of being scared of New Year Fireworks. Worked like a charm)

2007 Index

In January it was very quiet. We tried a new agility class and Beanz caught a stray sheep but didn't hurt it. In fact, Beanz did a lot of chasing. TJam's teddy wrote to his makers and Chips ate a chilli. Ann and Ron got Benny.

In February TJam took up knitting, Chips ate lots of things and Uncle Gardener turned 70.

In March, Flat Stanley came to stay and someone stole the dog food off our drive.

In April, Chips survived chocolate poisoning (with the help of diazepam) and TJam took some photos at dog training.

In May, TJam ordered a new wardrobe.

In June, the wardrobe arrived. Chips got her silver Kennel Club Citizenship and ate 5 fatballs. Our friend Barney turned 16.

The month of July saw the rediscovery of Pipkin, TJam got new bras and touched a toad. Carlsberg dropped a mouse on the bed and it ran on TJam's face. Beanz hurt her leg and TJam got a new hoover.

In August, we went on Pin and Huddersfield Town's new decking and then we went camping. Fliptop's cat had kittens and TJam ate 1-year-old margarine. TJam also took up photography and accidentally ate some icecream.

In September we went to London and met the queen cousin Xaja.

In October Chips and Beanz ate and chased doggie things, we dirtied Pin's cream coat and learnt how to put video on our blog (squirrel chasing and cat cartoon).

In November, Carlsberg was very very poorly We re-ran the mars bar video for old time's sake.

In December, Carlsberg got better, the humans went skating, Beanz got her Gold Citizen and went to the dog training Christmas party, and we had lots of Christmas celebrations.

Sneaky

- by Chips

Just wanted to sneak a last bin raider photo in before the end of the year. A beauty, even though I say so myself, a fine example of an overnight project.

Happy New Year everyone!

Christmas Games

- by Beanz

I have had a good play with my new Father Christmas...

... and Chips has given the snowman a run for his money...

... and now I'm exhausted.

See you all in the new year!

xxx

Father Christmas 33 years on

- by TJamThe Old Chap seems to have come a little way in terms of image since 1974. Although he still keeps young children (and me) awake at night with excitement, and he still eats his mince pie and drinks his sherry before wizzing round the world, he certainly wears more clothes these days and the startled look has mellowed with time. He has give the lobsters back their hands and gone for a more human look all round.


A merry Christmas to everyone. Hope this merry gentleman has done you proud. He has been very generous to us all this year although I'm sure the neighbours won't be happy about the guitar and the squeaky toys.

Christmas Presents

- by Chips

Our Christmas present to Joseph the horse was 2kg of carrots.

TJam forgot to put them away overnight.

We took him his one carrot this evening. He looked a little disappointed with just the one, but he was very gallent and ate it appreciatively.

Saturday Before Christmas

- by Carlsberg

This evening, I thought my luck was in. My very own Saturday Before Christmas dinner! Here I am considering whether to start with the wine, food or cracker...

... until I was ousted and the humans tucked into their Saturday Before Christmas dinner:

I had to make do with a brand supermarket Lamb in Gravy sachet. Not really comparable.

Cold and Frosty Morning Part II

- by Beanz

I just love ice. Love it!

Training Christmas Party

- by Beanz

Today we had my Christmas party. I did very well. First we had the Fancy Dress. Noah won.

... and I came second, dressed as a Heinz Baked Bean in tomato sauce.

Then we did our tricks. Archie won with his "collecting the shopping, putting it in the shopping basket and carrying the basket" routine...

and I came second with my rendition of We Wish You a Merry Christmas plus a little dance.

Then we had fastest recall and musical sit. And I WON THEM BOTH!! I enjoyed myself so much and TJam says I am now worth every penny of the £60 she forked out for me at the dogs home. I won her a packet of chocolate buttons and lots of things for me. Thank you Gail!

Then we had musical chairs. I was first. First out. I had to sit and watch from the side. Disgraced.

You can see Lucy making a bid for glory. I can only look on, forlorn.

Trixie came in her Christmas gear...

... and so did Tacu ...

... and Coral.

Henry's fancy dress made us laugh, but he didn't mind.

Other joiners in of Reindeer games were Holly...

... Angus ...

... and Milly.


Asbo was also there but my photo of her didn't come out well. Sorry! Blame the photographer.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa

Please would you bring me a new paper bag to play in? My one is getting a bit torn.

I have been good all year.

Love from

Carlsberg

xxx

Wonderphone

- by TJam

You will never believe what has turned up. Remember the disaster week with the phone and the cat and and and... ?

Well, I got a phone call yesterday and through the post today came MY MOBILE PHONE. What a story it has to tell, I'm sure. Maybe it should become a contributer to this blog.

I'm off to order a bunch of flowers for the finder. Restores your faith in the human race.

Ice Skating

- by Chips

Today the humans went ice skating. It has been about 15 years since they last went. Just like riding a bike, only colder and wetter and more laughing. They weren't great but there were no terrible falls and no broken bones.



The sign at the side of the rink said, "No dogs on the ice, except assistance dogs".

I wonder which part of their training includes ice skating. Those assistance dogs are cleverer than I thought.

My Dog Ate my Homework

- by TJam I have a nasty Christmas card related injury. So if you don't get a Chrismas card from me, this is why. I am being very brave about it but A&E are on standby.

Cold and Frosty Morning

- by Beanz

This morning it was cold and frosty so I had to do everything at 100 miles an hour and 6 inches off the ground.

Lovely Fire

- by Carlsberg Mmmm we have got a lovely fire and it is just perfect for my bald spot.

Beanz came home from class yesterday with a medal on. It was from her teacher. TJam had tried to take a picture to put here but she is rubbish at taking photos and it was all blurry. She did look smart though.

Thoroughly Modern

- by TJam

Carlsberg is doing much better but her ex-stitches are itching. Here is her bald patch and you can see teeth marks in her thigh from "the bite".

This evening, Silky took me for my hair cut to Mr Noir, her hairdresser. Luckily I am not that shy. I asked for his advice, and he told me I needed to go modern because my hair was so old-fashioned. So he whipped out his razor and chopped the whole lot off. Call me Britney (only not as well paid, obviously). He then announced to the shop what a lovely cut it was and made everybody look. It is different, but there's no denying, he's a wizz with the razor.

My ears are cold and I need to buy some hats.

Quick.

Can I go out?

- by Carlsberg

My stitches are out and I didn't have any antibiotics today. I'd like to go outside now please.

(Carlsberg, it is freezing and you are half bald. I think it is best if you stay in for a while - TJam.

PS you are grounded. And thank goodness for insurance. Apparently this bill went into 4 figures fairly early on in the game. Wonder if it will cover the cost of fencing you into the back garden...)

Golden Girl

- by Beanz

If I look like I'm not concentrating in this photo, it's because I'm EXHAUSTED from my 2 hour test. It was worth it though, because I am now a Kennel Club Gold Citizen! Who would have thought it? Luckily, there was not a squirrel chasing section, or I might not have passed. Hooray for me.

Honey I'm HOME!

- by Carlsberg TJam came to Petmedics today to collect me. I jumped into my box pretty quickly, I can tell you. I am not too keen on my lampshade collar, but I am glad to be home. I have adopted the dog bed, and nurse Beanz and Dr Chips are taking it in turns to watch over me. From the floor.

I have got two sets of stitches in my belly and I'm a bit sore. TJam had a look on the computer screen when the nurse went out of the room. It says my prognosis is better but I have a lot of infection. Thank you to everyone who has asked after me.

And now, back to lounging around on the settee in front of the telly.

Under the Radar

- by Chips

What with all this hoo har with the cat (who is bright and walking around and expected home by the end of the week), I think my little "going through the compost bag to pick out any apple or carrot related goodies" has slipped under the radar. Yipee.

Carlsberg Update 2

- by TJam

Long term fans (hahahhaa) of jumpthedog.com will remember the incident when we thought Carlsberg had been shot, but in fact, she had a terrible abscess (and then went missing and Beanz found her under a car etc etc).

I have just got off the phone from the vet. It seems that our Carlsberg was not hit by a car at all, but has (you guessed it) a massive abscess. Another bite to the back and gravity took its toll. She has drains in and they will phone me tomorrow to give me an update. If they can beat the infection, things are looking a lot more hopeful. I might start writing my Christmas cards afterall.
I am thinking about caging in our back garden. I'm not sure I can go through this again. At least not until next door's ginger tom has moved on.

Carlsberg Update

Carlsberg is on her way to theatre now. Make or break.

I was a little concerned when I was told "he" was on his way to theatre. I would have thought sexing a cat was fairly early on in vet school training.

Then I realised it was the receptionist I spoke to. As long as she is not doing the op, I don't feel so worried. Although how anyone could think Carlsberg is a boy's name, I don't know.

An Unhumerous Update

- by TJam

Last week, I had an exciting day in London. I took pics on my fab new phone (cheers Abz) and wanted time to blog properly and share my experience of being IN THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT and my trip round London, and the pigeons and and and...

But things caught up with me and it has been planning and photocopying and emailing, and I wanted to wait til I had time. We had our fab weekend this weekend and I wanted to write about that too.

But now my phone (and photos) have gone into the vortex. Disappeared. It was in my pocket. Then it wasn't in my pocket. Nowhere to be found. And it was set to silent so I can't even ring it. So if I owe you a text, sorry. And I probably don't have your number backed up anywhere cos Father Christmas was going to bring me a sim card backup thing but now it's too late.

But worse than that, I have just taken little Carlsberg to the cat hospital. She went missing a week ago. We put word out and searched for her, but no sign. And when we got home this evening she was home but very very wobbly and uncomfortable. Long story short, she has been hit by a car and is having "critical care" (according to my bill. Thank goodness for insurance). I don't know how she got home because now she can't even stand, let alone walk. Hopefully her diaphragm isn't ruptured, but her abdominal wall is, and her bladder is where it is not meant to be (on the outside of the abdominal wall). The only upside is that her skin is intact so at least she is "sterile". I think this is a good thing.

True to character, dispite the fact she doesn't even feel like lifting her head, Carls has not been too co-operative with the x-rays and the first set are too blurry. They are going to do some more, and some other vetinary stuff which will hopefully include surgery if they think they can do anything, and then phone us back.

I know I have started every sentence with "and" and "but" and other conjunctions. I have done it on purpose for effect. And anyway, I don't care what the grammar facists say. I've got more important things to worry about.

Carlsberg, we hope you are not on life 10. We hate it when you bring home mice and birds and rabbits. We are not keen on the 6am wake up calls or stalking up and down the bed headboard at 3am. But we love you very much so bloomin well get better. Plus you are this year's Christmas Card. So you HAVE to pull through. I have already posted one out.

Chesnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

-by TJam

All day long I was humming to myself, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." as I imagined the scene: Me, in front of a roaring fire, loyal dogs sleeping by my slippered feet, chestnuts roasting in the chestnut roaster. Mmmmm. That's the life.

When I got home, I found that in fact, while the fire was still on, the chestnuts were most definitely off, but dog poo on the floor overnight was probably on.

Not Recommended

- by TJam

It is not recommended to drop ripe avocado and salad dressing on the floor and think to yourself, "The dog will come and clear that up," then leave it, then go back to the kitchen, forget you dropped it, step in it and continue on your merry way.

Stair Gate = Closed

-by Chips

While TJam was working on the computer, I just boldly went up the stairs. Yup, just like that! I know I'm not supposed to but the cat food was calling me, and I just had to answer.

It reminded us of the Mars episode, which was 2 years ago and you can watch again here:



Perhaps it is autumn that makes me so hungry.

Anyway, the stair gate is now CLOSED.

ALL THE TIME

FOREVER

(PS TJam is aware of the danger of dogs eating chocolate and you should not try eating Mars Bars if you are a dog. I got away with it this time but DOGS SHOULD NOT EAT CHOCOLATE. If you need the proof, remember this)

Fathers' Fist Fight

- by Beanz

Today, as we were out for our walk, we went past the Sunday morning lads' football match. And as we walked past, one of the fathers* (possibly also a linesman but we arrived too late to see what he was doing before the incident) dealt one of the other fathers serveral blows to the head.

This was all we saw because they were then surrounded by lots of wives** screaming, "STOP!" and to the soundtrack of coaches and refs bellowing, "Come AWAY lads."

What an excellent example to set to your sons on a Sunday morning. After all, it's all in the sportsmanship and all that really matters is a good clean game. How lucky that these men were there to point that out.

There were enough people there to sort it out, so we just moved along. There was nothing to see there.



* Of course, they may not have been fathers, they could have been uncles, dads' partners, step fathers or any other manner of male. The term "father" has been used for alliteration purposes. And brevity.

** Of course, they may not have wives. They may have been any other related female. Or football loving passer-by.

Daddy or Chips?

Today I have faced a moral dilemma of similiar proportion to the Daddy or chips debate.

Happy Saturday before Bonfire Night by the way.

I had planned an evening of You've Been Framed (Best of), Strictly Come Dancing, Robin of Sherwood and Casualty, full volume, accompanied by a loud, random selection of my 20 year span music collection. This (so the plan went) would drown out the fireworks and prevent the pacing, drooling and trying to get under the sofa. I made doubly sure by running a load of whites on 40 degrees and the dishwasher on economical. It was to be made bearable by a nice cold beer. Perfect.

Dogs walked in daylight, we got in at dusk as the first fireworks started. I prepared to drain the national grid.

Disaster.

I hadn't got the beer in.

Leave dogs to freak out alone or forego the beer?

Boy oh boy, I must really really love those dogs.

Me Me Me

- by Carlsberg
I hereby hijack this blog. Because I am so cute and photogenic.

It's all about ME! (To be sung to the tune of McFly)