Dear Santa

Dear Santa

Please would you bring me a new paper bag to play in? My one is getting a bit torn.

I have been good all year.

Love from

Carlsberg

xxx

Wonderphone

- by TJam

You will never believe what has turned up. Remember the disaster week with the phone and the cat and and and... ?

Well, I got a phone call yesterday and through the post today came MY MOBILE PHONE. What a story it has to tell, I'm sure. Maybe it should become a contributer to this blog.

I'm off to order a bunch of flowers for the finder. Restores your faith in the human race.

Ice Skating

- by Chips

Today the humans went ice skating. It has been about 15 years since they last went. Just like riding a bike, only colder and wetter and more laughing. They weren't great but there were no terrible falls and no broken bones.



The sign at the side of the rink said, "No dogs on the ice, except assistance dogs".

I wonder which part of their training includes ice skating. Those assistance dogs are cleverer than I thought.

My Dog Ate my Homework

- by TJam I have a nasty Christmas card related injury. So if you don't get a Chrismas card from me, this is why. I am being very brave about it but A&E are on standby.

Cold and Frosty Morning

- by Beanz

This morning it was cold and frosty so I had to do everything at 100 miles an hour and 6 inches off the ground.

Lovely Fire

- by Carlsberg Mmmm we have got a lovely fire and it is just perfect for my bald spot.

Beanz came home from class yesterday with a medal on. It was from her teacher. TJam had tried to take a picture to put here but she is rubbish at taking photos and it was all blurry. She did look smart though.

Thoroughly Modern

- by TJam

Carlsberg is doing much better but her ex-stitches are itching. Here is her bald patch and you can see teeth marks in her thigh from "the bite".

This evening, Silky took me for my hair cut to Mr Noir, her hairdresser. Luckily I am not that shy. I asked for his advice, and he told me I needed to go modern because my hair was so old-fashioned. So he whipped out his razor and chopped the whole lot off. Call me Britney (only not as well paid, obviously). He then announced to the shop what a lovely cut it was and made everybody look. It is different, but there's no denying, he's a wizz with the razor.

My ears are cold and I need to buy some hats.

Quick.

Can I go out?

- by Carlsberg

My stitches are out and I didn't have any antibiotics today. I'd like to go outside now please.

(Carlsberg, it is freezing and you are half bald. I think it is best if you stay in for a while - TJam.

PS you are grounded. And thank goodness for insurance. Apparently this bill went into 4 figures fairly early on in the game. Wonder if it will cover the cost of fencing you into the back garden...)

Golden Girl

- by Beanz

If I look like I'm not concentrating in this photo, it's because I'm EXHAUSTED from my 2 hour test. It was worth it though, because I am now a Kennel Club Gold Citizen! Who would have thought it? Luckily, there was not a squirrel chasing section, or I might not have passed. Hooray for me.

Honey I'm HOME!

- by Carlsberg TJam came to Petmedics today to collect me. I jumped into my box pretty quickly, I can tell you. I am not too keen on my lampshade collar, but I am glad to be home. I have adopted the dog bed, and nurse Beanz and Dr Chips are taking it in turns to watch over me. From the floor.

I have got two sets of stitches in my belly and I'm a bit sore. TJam had a look on the computer screen when the nurse went out of the room. It says my prognosis is better but I have a lot of infection. Thank you to everyone who has asked after me.

And now, back to lounging around on the settee in front of the telly.

Under the Radar

- by Chips

What with all this hoo har with the cat (who is bright and walking around and expected home by the end of the week), I think my little "going through the compost bag to pick out any apple or carrot related goodies" has slipped under the radar. Yipee.

Carlsberg Update 2

- by TJam

Long term fans (hahahhaa) of jumpthedog.com will remember the incident when we thought Carlsberg had been shot, but in fact, she had a terrible abscess (and then went missing and Beanz found her under a car etc etc).

I have just got off the phone from the vet. It seems that our Carlsberg was not hit by a car at all, but has (you guessed it) a massive abscess. Another bite to the back and gravity took its toll. She has drains in and they will phone me tomorrow to give me an update. If they can beat the infection, things are looking a lot more hopeful. I might start writing my Christmas cards afterall.
I am thinking about caging in our back garden. I'm not sure I can go through this again. At least not until next door's ginger tom has moved on.

Carlsberg Update

Carlsberg is on her way to theatre now. Make or break.

I was a little concerned when I was told "he" was on his way to theatre. I would have thought sexing a cat was fairly early on in vet school training.

Then I realised it was the receptionist I spoke to. As long as she is not doing the op, I don't feel so worried. Although how anyone could think Carlsberg is a boy's name, I don't know.

An Unhumerous Update

- by TJam

Last week, I had an exciting day in London. I took pics on my fab new phone (cheers Abz) and wanted time to blog properly and share my experience of being IN THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT and my trip round London, and the pigeons and and and...

But things caught up with me and it has been planning and photocopying and emailing, and I wanted to wait til I had time. We had our fab weekend this weekend and I wanted to write about that too.

But now my phone (and photos) have gone into the vortex. Disappeared. It was in my pocket. Then it wasn't in my pocket. Nowhere to be found. And it was set to silent so I can't even ring it. So if I owe you a text, sorry. And I probably don't have your number backed up anywhere cos Father Christmas was going to bring me a sim card backup thing but now it's too late.

But worse than that, I have just taken little Carlsberg to the cat hospital. She went missing a week ago. We put word out and searched for her, but no sign. And when we got home this evening she was home but very very wobbly and uncomfortable. Long story short, she has been hit by a car and is having "critical care" (according to my bill. Thank goodness for insurance). I don't know how she got home because now she can't even stand, let alone walk. Hopefully her diaphragm isn't ruptured, but her abdominal wall is, and her bladder is where it is not meant to be (on the outside of the abdominal wall). The only upside is that her skin is intact so at least she is "sterile". I think this is a good thing.

True to character, dispite the fact she doesn't even feel like lifting her head, Carls has not been too co-operative with the x-rays and the first set are too blurry. They are going to do some more, and some other vetinary stuff which will hopefully include surgery if they think they can do anything, and then phone us back.

I know I have started every sentence with "and" and "but" and other conjunctions. I have done it on purpose for effect. And anyway, I don't care what the grammar facists say. I've got more important things to worry about.

Carlsberg, we hope you are not on life 10. We hate it when you bring home mice and birds and rabbits. We are not keen on the 6am wake up calls or stalking up and down the bed headboard at 3am. But we love you very much so bloomin well get better. Plus you are this year's Christmas Card. So you HAVE to pull through. I have already posted one out.

Chesnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

-by TJam

All day long I was humming to myself, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." as I imagined the scene: Me, in front of a roaring fire, loyal dogs sleeping by my slippered feet, chestnuts roasting in the chestnut roaster. Mmmmm. That's the life.

When I got home, I found that in fact, while the fire was still on, the chestnuts were most definitely off, but dog poo on the floor overnight was probably on.

Not Recommended

- by TJam

It is not recommended to drop ripe avocado and salad dressing on the floor and think to yourself, "The dog will come and clear that up," then leave it, then go back to the kitchen, forget you dropped it, step in it and continue on your merry way.

Stair Gate = Closed

-by Chips

While TJam was working on the computer, I just boldly went up the stairs. Yup, just like that! I know I'm not supposed to but the cat food was calling me, and I just had to answer.

It reminded us of the Mars episode, which was 2 years ago and you can watch again here:



Perhaps it is autumn that makes me so hungry.

Anyway, the stair gate is now CLOSED.

ALL THE TIME

FOREVER

(PS TJam is aware of the danger of dogs eating chocolate and you should not try eating Mars Bars if you are a dog. I got away with it this time but DOGS SHOULD NOT EAT CHOCOLATE. If you need the proof, remember this)

Fathers' Fist Fight

- by Beanz

Today, as we were out for our walk, we went past the Sunday morning lads' football match. And as we walked past, one of the fathers* (possibly also a linesman but we arrived too late to see what he was doing before the incident) dealt one of the other fathers serveral blows to the head.

This was all we saw because they were then surrounded by lots of wives** screaming, "STOP!" and to the soundtrack of coaches and refs bellowing, "Come AWAY lads."

What an excellent example to set to your sons on a Sunday morning. After all, it's all in the sportsmanship and all that really matters is a good clean game. How lucky that these men were there to point that out.

There were enough people there to sort it out, so we just moved along. There was nothing to see there.



* Of course, they may not have been fathers, they could have been uncles, dads' partners, step fathers or any other manner of male. The term "father" has been used for alliteration purposes. And brevity.

** Of course, they may not have wives. They may have been any other related female. Or football loving passer-by.

Daddy or Chips?

Today I have faced a moral dilemma of similiar proportion to the Daddy or chips debate.

Happy Saturday before Bonfire Night by the way.

I had planned an evening of You've Been Framed (Best of), Strictly Come Dancing, Robin of Sherwood and Casualty, full volume, accompanied by a loud, random selection of my 20 year span music collection. This (so the plan went) would drown out the fireworks and prevent the pacing, drooling and trying to get under the sofa. I made doubly sure by running a load of whites on 40 degrees and the dishwasher on economical. It was to be made bearable by a nice cold beer. Perfect.

Dogs walked in daylight, we got in at dusk as the first fireworks started. I prepared to drain the national grid.

Disaster.

I hadn't got the beer in.

Leave dogs to freak out alone or forego the beer?

Boy oh boy, I must really really love those dogs.

Me Me Me

- by Carlsberg
I hereby hijack this blog. Because I am so cute and photogenic.

It's all about ME! (To be sung to the tune of McFly)

New Favourite Place

- by Carlsberg
I have a new favourite place.

Candid Camera

- by Carlsberg

Someone sent us this. At first, TJam thought someone had secretly filmed her bedroom and then recreated the scene, using a man as the supporting character to protect her identity.

And there was me thinking that she didn't know about the baseball bat...

In Disgrace

- by Chips

There are a couple of behaviours TJam will not tolerate. Jumping up is one of them. Unfortunately, we meet a few too many people who joyfully call out, "It's ok! I don't mind!" and then give us a biscuit, thus support our view point that jumping up is very lucrative indeed.

I digress.

Last night, TJam and her friend Pin, were going out for dinner. Pin called round before they went out so they could travel together. Pin was wearing a coat not dissimilar to this one:

She had had to wear this coat because she didn't have another to match her cream trousers and cream blouse.

Can you see where this is going yet?

So, having been suitably walked so we would relax for the evening, Beanz and I greeted Pin in a doggy way. I went for the hip height area and as Pin bent over to protect herself greet us because we are so great, and Beanz went for the full "put front paws on arm in order to gain height for full face dog snog".

The following is an artist's impression of the coat post-greeting.

Pin didn't have another cream coat to match her cream trousers and cream blouse, so she had to go home and change her whole outfit.

She should wear dark brown.

I hope our clicker teacher doesn't read this.

I think it is a waste to spend my pocket money on dry cleaning.

Proud of Ourselves

- by TJam

Well, kind of. Below is our first example of video on our blog. It was supposed to show Beanz chasing squirrels.

Ok, so all you actually see is her running off.

There was some great footage of her trying to climb a tree. Unfortunately, I didn't press "start" til I thought I was pressing,"stop" so all I actually filmed was the side of my leg.

So, anyway, here is a beautiful view we saw this weekend. Does it get any better than this?

Squirrels

-by Beanz

Darn squirrels and their pesky squirrelly ways. They torment me with their hopping out of reach chattering and their jumping from branch to branch.

Hooray for the Rugby Club

- by Chips

Hooray for the Rugby Club. They must have had a party at the weekend. They must have had too much curry and rice. They put it out in a nice black bin bag.

See how orange it was. And so very delicious.

Deserted

- by Carlsberg

This weekend, my family deserted me and went down to visit the human family.

TJam, Bamgee and Bamgee's mum went to London to see Billy Elliot. TJam is not a theatre goer by nature, but she thought it was marvellous. So much so that she was tempted to just let it all out and start DANCING herself, then and there in the theatre. Luckily, she was saved from herself by a warning sign that said,

"The following activities are prohibited:

DANCING"

So they will have to sue their entire cast.

The following day, TJam helped Mum prepare a vegan tea for all the family (I'm sure they were thrilled). The sandwiches went down well and so did the chocolate cake. Fliptop helped lick the scraper (see pic).

The dogs did not eat cousin Xaja, although Beanz had a little lick.

Nerospal came to feed me and check I was alright, and I stayed away Sunday to make my indignation known. This evening I returned to cries of delight. I even brought them a worm. Gotta love my cat ways.

Post weekend

-by Beanz

Photo not approved.

I love it after the weekend, when all those rugby fans and weekend walkers come into my world of long grass and woods. I love it when they enjoy the pleasures of, ahem, having a poo al fresco. There is nothing as liberating.

I love following the scent and eating as much of it as possible. I enjoy the thrill of the chase as TJam runs up screaming behind me but never catches me. I laugh as she cries, "Come here, there's a good girl, I'm not cross with you" because body language doesn't lie and I am not stupid.

I do not like having my face wiped with long wet grass. I do not like walking on the lead when there is so much fun to be had.

I wish Harry Hill was there to say, "dirty boy" and make TJam laugh about it. She doesn't think it is funny at all.

Imperfect Timing

Time it takes to run upstairs and eat cat food without getting caught - (2s upwards + 24s inhaling and swallowing + 2s to laugh at the cat + 3s running downstairs) = 31 seconds
Time it takes for TJam to put the bin out = 27seconds

Opportunism

Opportunism (op-or-tune-izm) n The taking advantage of the short period of time that it takes for a human to exit the front door to clip the hedge, say to themselves, "Ooops, I didn't shut the stair gate" and return to the house to find a dog downstairs, tail wagging, to run up the stairs, raid the bin and eat 2 bowls of cat food and run down the stairs to play the complete innocent and not get found out until 2 hours later.

Yay for opportunism.

Technology II

It was the work mobile. The world didn't end.

In other technology news, my friend Meep has been asking me about subscribing to my feed. Yup, I didn't know what she was on about either. I had no plans to send sandwiches to the Midlands and I didn't know what else it could be.

Apparently you can get automatic updates of your friends' blogs. I'm not 100% sure how it works, but for those in the know, I think I have sorted out that link at the bottom of the sidebar that says, "Atom" and I think it should work. I've managed to subscribe to myself. I think. If you are in the know, please let me know if I've done it right. If you're not in the know (that's you mum, and you Bamgee), skip gayly onto the the next post. Skip along now!

My Mummy

That's mummy of the "it's a girl!" variety, not the Egyptian type.

My mummy is very good at making sandwiches and packed lunches.
She is also very good at making homegrown blackberry and apple crumble (but I didn't like the 3 small patches where the gravy had dripped down from the shepherd's pie).

My mummy is good at making shepherd's pie. She's good at making the washing smell nice.

She's good at a lot of things that are a lot more important than that, like being loving and stuff like that, but I'll tell her that in private. I just wanted to proclaim the sandwich thing publicly because she made a delicious marmite, lettuce and tomato baguette for my journey home. I could never have made one that nice.

Technology

Something is beeping from the corner of the room. It only goes off every hour or so and only peeps once, so there's no way of locating the sound. Something must be running out of battery and I have no way of knowing what it is.

Something vital will stop working and we can't prevent it. THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Visiting the Queen

- by Beanz


This weekend we went to London to visit the queen and frighten a little mouse under a chair.


Well, the humans did. Bamgee and TJam went to London to see some friends. They contributed to an art project. They coloured postcards and stuck them on a big wall with loads of other postcards.


The rest of the day they drank tea and ate loads of food. They saw the houses of parliament. They didn't frighten a little mouse under a chair. I don't think they saw the queen either.


Meanwhile, Chips and I chased London squirrels and rolled in London fox poo. It smells just as gorgeous as the Northern variety only it doesn't say its "t"s on the ends of words.



If you look closely you can see how I rubbed it all in my ears to make sure it lingered even longer.


TJam saw her little baby cousin. He was wearing the t-shirt she send him. It says, "Spit on that tissue and I'll call social services". It's not a joke either. He liked looking at us dogs and grabbing us. I wanted to lick him but I was not supposed to.

Relief

Relief (rih-leef) n Feeling experienced when you think you have stepped on a slug, but the thing that you pick off your sock is actually a chunk of uncooked beetroot that the dog has been throwing around the house the night before.

Freecycling

- by Beanz

We are now freecycle converts. It's just like putting an advert on the Spar notice board but it doesn't cost 50p. For the uninitiated, Freecycle is where you join a local group (which really is an email group so you don't even have to get up from in front of your computer). Then if people are getting rid of anything or on the look out for anything, they post a message. If someone wants or has the item, they email you. Then you arrange collection/pickup. Fab. We have got rid of a babygate (no match for Chips) and some glass paints.

I have double checked and you are not allowed to offer naughty dogs on there.

Roaching

- by Beanz

Apparently there is a name for what we dogs do. This is not "laying on your back with your legs flailing". It is "roaching". These dogs say so.

Now it is official I will do it all the more.

Two Reasons to be Happy 2007

- by TJam

1. When my trolley (and 2 packs of laminate flooring) rolled away of its own accord in the DIY shop's car park, it did not get very far before I noticed and it did not hit the oncoming car.

2. Someone invented the "hold down" button and automatic cut-off device on the electric saw. So, when I fell off the workbench whilst operating said electric saw, I didn't cut my own hand or leg off. I just swore and bent the blade, so I think I got off very lightly.

Two Secrets about Squirrels

- by Beanz

1. Squirrels have a turbo gear. If you touch one that is already running fast, it will switch to warp speed.

2. Squirrels can fly. I know because we saw it today. I ran into a bush after a squirrel and it FLEW out of the bush. TJam thought it was a bird, it was that impressive. Then it realised that it was being watched and it went back on the ground again.

Two Reasons to be Sad - 1975

- by Chips

While us dogs lie under piles of junk that TJam is trying to sort out, we happened across this piece of literary and philosophical genius from December 1974.

Translation: There are two reasons to be sad. From TJam.
One is that I have hurt my toe
The next thing that I am sad that I am not having kippers. From TJam.

Seems that TJam didn't look on the bright side in those days. The concerned few amongst you will be glad to know that her toe has healed and that she is now happy not to eat kippers (mostly, although she does miss that smokey, kippery taste on a Sunday evening...)

Vegan Crisis

- by Beanz

Yesterday, TJam went to the newish health food place which has lots of weird, I mean alternative food for vegans. TJam saw some Rum and Coconut Ice Cream in the freezer section and she bought it.

TJam sat out on the decking and ate some of the ice cream. She said it was delicious and reminded her of something, but she couldn't put her finger on what. Must have been some distant childhood memory. In any case, she had Rum and Coconut Ice Cream for vegans and that was just too good to be true.

So, today, TJam had some more of that icecream. As she sat there she said, "Mmm Mini milks. This tastes like a bit like mini milks."

"I wonder what was in mini milks that is in this vegan icecream" she said.

So she looked at the ingredients.

Know what the secret ingredient was? MILK. 50% full fat milk. With added skimmed milk powder and some egg. No wonder it tasted so darned milky.

She thought about milk sloshing around in a cow's mammary glands, and getting squirted out of a cow's nipples. She asked herself why it is less disgusting to drink cow's milk than human milk, and why we don't have a human section in the supermarket refrigerator. She quickly reminded herself that the vomit reflex is controlled by the brain and not the stomach, so she needed to sort her brain out and FAST. So she did.

Turns out she imagined the "dairy free" label on the packet, and Rum and Coconut ice cream for vegans is, actually, too good to be true.

Heaven - by Chips

In today's spirit of photography, I submit my piece.

Gratuitous Photography

It's not that I haven't got anything else to do, just that I get distracted. I like to think of it as following every lead. Anyway, I was searching a subscription to Dogs Today magazine and I had a look at their referal stats (in an un-geek-like way) and saw an interesting blog name, which took me into to the hitherto unexplored blogoshpere. And the blog with the interesting name turned out to be pretty inspirational in many ways, and the reason everyone now has spy names and not their real names on this blog, but today's way in which it inspired me is photography. That is, people taking photos because they are interesting or beautiful, and not just to tell a story.

So, today's theme is photography. I clutched my Canon Powershot A520 and off we went for our morning walk. Here are the results. If you are a photography expert and these are rubbish, be so kind as to not tell me please. Thank you.

Chips in fern

I even managed a half decent pic of Beanz.

If you count looking like the Joker out of Batman as half decent.

Will she never learn?

- by Carlsberg

When I pull my best "I'm Not Interested" face, why does TJam insist on getting out my toy on a string and dangling it in front of me? Why does she think she is going to tempt me into a game when I am clearly Not In the Mood? Why does she pull that silly, optomistic face that says, "come on Carlsberg, you know you want to really"? I know what I want, and it isn't that.

It's pathetic.

And it is not the first time.

I'm going upstairs to eat my tea.

Cola Cubes

Is it the cola that makes your mouth hurt, or the cube shape?

Birthday Butter

- by TJam

Well, actually it is Birthday Margarine but that would have spoilt the alliteration. Mrs Hockley would be proud of me.

Today it is happy birthday to my margarine whose best before date was 23.08.06. On 23.08.07 it was as good as new, and made a very nice breakfast.

This momentous occassion nearly didn't happen as the blissfullty unaware Bamgee made garlic butter about 2 weeks ago. Luckily I wrestled the last scrapings from her and saved them for this happy day. (The garlic bread was very nice, incidentally.)

Auntie TJam

- by TJam
I'm a great auntie! Yup, here are my sister's cat's kittens. I'm so proud.

Holidays - day 5

End of holidays.

Best overhead quote of the week: "YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN TURNING FRISBY INTO A CONTACT SPORT"

Worst idea for a snack: BALTI POPCORN AND POPPADOMS (MILDLY SPICED CURRIED POPCORN & ROASTED POPPADOM MIX - READY TO EAT)

Worst thought to have between the hours of 10pm and 8am: I NEED A WEE

Worst photo:

Holidays - day 4

- by TJam

It was so sunny today that we didn't manage to leave the campsite. Instead, we stayed and watched a party of 100 people arrive. We made our own entertainment by giving everyone their own identifier. Then we watched people get stuck in the mud.

There was:

Mr Rugby and Mrs 2 Kettles (and kids, including Little Jay Rugby)
Mrs "I've already found some DOG POO" (said in a loud voice, pointing in our (innocent) direction)

Mrs "What have you brought all that beer for" and Mr "Ignore any comments about beer"
Mr Punto
Mr "Got Towed" and Mrs "I'll wait on you hand and foot then shall I?"

In the evening we had a fire and a BBQ and watched the stars appear in the sky. Quite spectacular.

Holidays - day 3

- by TJam

Look at this beautiful view where I walk the dogs each morning. Best campsite ever.

NB that is BLUE SKY you can see in the background.

Holidays - day 2

-by Chips

This morning, we had a little rain. Here is Bamgee ringing out our bed.

A group of 5 families arrived on our field so TJam let us dogs bark as much as we liked and they pitched on the opposite side of the field. We sat and watched while they all got stuck in the mud and had to get towed out. You make your own entertainment when you're camping.

We have been told that, being at the base of Snowdon, the campsite has its own weather system. It is sunny 10 minutes down the road. TJam asked if it is ever sunny here when it is raining ten minutes down the road, but they wouldn't answer.

Holidays - day 1

- by Beanz

Today we set off on our holidays. Here I am at the campsite, surveying our beautiful view.

The reason you don't see many people is because they had just had 4 days of torrential rain. The wardens post the weather forecast in the toilet block everyday. It reads, "torrential rain and localised flooding". We always pick a good week for the weather.



If you click on this picture to enlarge it, you will see some mysterious pawprints up the side of the tent. I can't imagine how they got there.

Spam - the Prediction

Everyone in this house is going camping next week. Fine. I can fend for myself and I DO NOT need people to come and check on me. I will tolerate those that TJam asks to visit. I suppose I might eat the food they give me. I reserve my right not to purr if I am feeling particularly abandoned. Although I might concede if they are extra nice. and if I am here.

Meanwhile, TJam is taking bets on how much spam will be in her inbox after a week.

Inauguration

- by Chips Today I went for a walk with Bailey and Scamp and their guardians, Pin and Huddersfield Town. Then we went and celebrated the new decking. TJam admired the decking and us dogs sat on it. I did not bite Bailey or Scamp so TJam is very pleased with me. You can call that my contribution to the celebrations. No one else knows what an achievement this is. I came close a couple of times but I held back. You can see Bailey's bum in this photo. Beanz is not in it because she was on the lawn, too scared to come on the decking because Scamp was sitting on the stairs. She is such a wimp. The humans are calling this evening an inorgration of the decking. or something like that. They drank sparkling wine that they pretended was Champagne. The cork flew right over the top of the house. We hope it didn't hit a car. They lit some candles and talked fast and loud and laughed a lot. Then it rained so we had to come in and then we had to walk home.

Gail

- by TJam

Gail is my dog training teacher. She likes to make sarcastic remarks in lessons in the hope that they will get reported back on this blog. I have always worked on the dog training principle of "ignore the undesirable behaviour and reward the desired behaviour". I apply this to people too (but not to cats because you can't ignore a mouse running down towards your duvet at 3am even though it definitely qualifies as "undesirable").

If I mention Gail's sarcastic remarks, I will be rewarding them and they will continue. Statistically I therefore put myself at risk from public humiliation. If I ignore them they will get more intense in an effort to get them blogged. Same problem. What a dilema.

So, I am going to train an alternative. We need to think of a catchphrase for Gail. Leave your suggestions here. Currently in the lead is, "I said SIT, there was no "h" in it". We had a fairly dramatic additional h this evening. It certainly made me glad I feed dry food (less bulk, as they say).

Now Gail, you can work on your catch phrase. (and you'd better leave me a comment!)

A Different Tack

- by Beanz

After TJam had dragged herself out from the cupboard under the stairs, huffing, "I'm *&^ing sick of this. Either catch it and eat it or DON'T CATCH IT but don't *&^%ing play with it", she decided to take a different tack. Perhaps Carlsberg needs to be asked nicely. She hadn't thought of that.

There was much searching of paper and a thick felt tip pen. Blue tack was vital for the plan (other sticky putties are available).

And here I am trying to examine the finished result. There will be no more mice in this house.

Vacuum Mania

Thank you to my dad who has given me a new vacuum.

I can't believe I am excited about this, but this new super duper all singing all dancing Dyson (yes DYSON!) sucks so hard it took me 20 seconds to unstick it from the floor. Unfortunately the momentum nearly took it into Chips' head. She now has a healthy respect for my housework.

I have hoovered 3 times since yesterday. It is so much fun. And I don't need a new stair carpet. There was a perfectly good one under the woven cat hair layer. Yipee.

Back to normal

I have just waved Mum off at the station. She has been staying for a week, and looked after the dogs while I went to away for the weekend. She has washed everything. It's ok though, I have dirtied a few plates and scattered a few crumbs and it is starting to look just like home again :)

Resting

I went back to the vet this evening. He thinks I have injured my elbow. I am allowed out of the house now, after a week of resting, but I have to stay on the lead for another 2 weeks. Then, I have to build up my walks again. He has stopped my tablets, which is a shame because they were delicious.

Mousy Conclusion

The best case scenario happened.

The mouse is liberated.

It ate all the peanut butter first and had to be shaken out of the trap. Seems it didn't want to leave.

Mousy Un-Fun

By TJam

I am a bit tired this morning. The cat started jumping around the house at about 3.30am. I thought nothing of it.

5:03am I thought I felt Carlsberg's tail brush against my face. When I reached up to feel, there was no body, no legs and no head. In fact, there was no Carlsberg at all. There was also a noise of something small running over my pillow and past my ear. It sounded like a jumpjet.

5:24am The trap is set and full of peanut butter. I can only assume the mouse is camped out under my immovable wardrobe. Best case scenario: the mouse saunters into the trap and I release it. Worst case scenario: The mouse spends several nights dancing on my bed, gets trapped under my covers, chews through my electrics, then, weak with hunger and thirst, it retires under my wardrobe where it carks it and the smell permeates the whole house for weeks. I have a nervous breakdown.

Mousy Fun

By Carlsberg

Last night, I brought TJam home a lovely present. My intention was to bring it home, play with it a while to let everyone join in the fun, then make my kill and eat it. The present was a delicious field mouse.

TJam tried to sleep through phases one and two of the plan. I pounced up on the window ledge and over the bed. Then my plan went horribly wrong.

My mouse was a fighter. It got away. I waited for a while, but I had built up quite an appetite. I got bored waiting for my mouse and went and had some crunchy fish and rice instead. There was still no sign of my mouse, so I went out to play in the fields again.

Anyway it's the thought that counts. I am sure TJam will be pleased, even if she didn't get to see me eat the prize.

Touching Toads (but not licking them)

TJam has been watching a lot of "Panic Room" a tv programme where people overcome their phobias. She has got a bit of a thing about frogs and toads, ever since someone put a frog in a jar behind her in Mrs Honour's Top Infants class. When she looked up, there was a froggy face, doing bulgy froggy things. It made her scream and jump which everyone found hilarious.

Today, there was a toad in the field. TJam made herself touch its back. She told her hand to go forwards and it went backwards of its own accord, so she had to push it forwards with her other hand. I made it my business to run through the therapy session and prance around so the toad could move and make it all the more scary.

Actually toads are quite soft and warm. TJam thanked the toad for helping her, and went on her way, singing and shouting, "I've touched a frog!" as she went. Because she thought at the time it was a frog, and she has only just realised that it ran and didn't jump. And it was a bit bumpy, so it must have been a toad.

In other news, Beanz has got a bad leg and is not allowed to walk. I am enjoying quality time with TJam and am behaving like an angel. Beanz is such a bad influence.

Double-busting

Double-busting (dubble-bust-ing) vb Action carried out by two boobs when they are squeezed into a bra cup that is too small, so it looks like you have four boobs instead of only two.

This is not yet in the Collins Dictionary.

Thank you to Gill in the lingerie department of M&S, who has shown me the light. All this without humiliating me. For all my bravado, it is a little intimidating to stand in a changing cubicle with a stranger with a tape measure. She treated me well, and I have learnt, after 20 years in the wildernerss, that it is possible to have a bra that is comfortable. I step forward into a new level of being.

If one other person reads this and resolves to "be fitted" this post will have been worth it. And of course, if we have another feminist revolution, I will have something to burn.

Scarecrow Festival

The humans went to the local scarecrow festival. There were plenty of scarecrows: dog types, jockies, burglars, policement, fishermen, the mayor, a vicar, two footballers, people taking tea outside the sweetshop and a couple of random characters. Or they may have been locals who had just finished a shift in the hay barn.

There are no photos because there was too much rain. Sorry Kath, who I know will be checking here. You will have to use your imagination. Hopefully next year we can provide the real thing...

Pipkins anyone?

As it was time to leave work, I stood up and said, "It's time......" which set off a flashback of clock faces flashing in front of my eyes and a vaguely uneasy feeling. As I let the experience wash over me, I remembered Hartley Hare, Octavia, and Pig (who had a Brummie accent and what I now know to be hypernasility).

When I got home, I googled Hartley Hare and discovered that my memory was that of Pipkins, the children's tv programme, which I watched during the 70s. It's not often one that pops up in those, "do you remember...." conversations.

I was feeling a little nervous as I scrolled down the page. Hartley Hare used to make me jump and frankly, I admit it, I was scared of him. Scared in that excited kind of way. No, who am I kidding? I was terrified.

When I saw the pictures, a steel dagger twisted in my heart. And is it any wonder?! look at the hare! look at the MONKEY. I'd clearly blocked the Monkey out of my mind and I wish is had stayed that way.

If you want to share my experience, click here and scroll down. If you remember Pipkins, please leave me a comment.

(Die hard fans can look at the Official Pipkins site. There's more information, but less barefaced terror).

Waffles

Today the humans had waffles for breakfast.

Bamgee showed TJam how to use the family waffle iron. It is 40 years old and still going strong.

Here is TJam on her virgin waffle voyage. What a historic moment. Or should that be histrionic?

Happy Birthday Barney!

Barney Rubble is 16 years old! Happy birthday friend.

To be Sung to...

... the tune of 5 green bottles.

5 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the fridge
5 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the fridge
And if 5 wild bird fat balls, fell upon the floor
There's be 4 wild bird fat balls, sitting on the floor.

The mystery of this song is not "where is the 5th fat ball" to which the answer by now is, "in the field, having passed through Chips's gastrointestinal tract" but indeed, "how did the fat balls fall off the fridge in the first place?"

And that, dear reader, is the real mystery.

Pulling it out of the Bag

All that revision paid off. Chips clearly knew it was a special occasion and she really pulled it out of the bag. Walked past two cats on our road walk, wagged her tail at the examiner and (most importantly) didn't get into a fight with her arch enemy. Ok, one of her arch enemies. I'd go so far as to say she enjoyed showing off.

Chips, I'm proud of you. Chips the dog my dad thought I should get rid of because she was too naughty (and Beanz, you can wipe that smug face off your muzzle because he thought you should go back to the dogs' home too).

So Chips is now officially a silver citizen. I will carry her certificate around in case we bump into her other arch enemy and I need proof that she can pull it out of the bag.

Revision

TJam is reading something over and over again. Chips is practising a recall without getting up BEFORE she is called. Something is going on.

Wardrobe - part 3

The wardrobe delivery men arrived today. I had asked for an afternoon delivery so they came at 7.15am.

"Can you put it upstairs please?"

"Sorry love, we can't go upstairs"

"Pardon?"

"We can't go upstairs"

"Well, what do you do in your own house?"

"I mean, health and safety, we're not allowed upstairs"

So here is a picture of my front room.

Of course it is fine for me to take everything upstairs. On pure fury alone I carried a wardrobe unit upstairs and assembled it there and then. But then my adrenaline started to run low and I went back to human levels of strenth and had to phone FlatPack4U to come and help me out with the rest.

Best Before

I am just posting here before writing to Norris McWhirter's people.

Today, TJam had toast and buttered it with margarine that was best before 23rd August 2006. It was totally fine. Is this a record?

What's worse than...

... finding a worm in your apple?

No, actually that's another joke, and a funny one at that.

Today, TJam took our water bowl from the front room, emptied the dregs and filled it from the kitchen tap. When she put it back down again, there were 2 slugs in it. A medium slug and a small slug.

Either they came into the front room and climbed into the bowl, or else they came out of the tap.
So, which is worse?

Wardrobe - part 2

I risk my career and a possible speeding ticket (I just put that in for dramatic effect. Of course I would not really risk my career or speed) to get to Ikea in my lunch hour to order my lovely new wardrobe. Small problem, I have to buy the whole thing and wheel the 3 trolleys to the home delivery area. Thank goodness for the two young men who helped me locate my flatpack and take everything to the checkout. And for the other not-quite-as-young man who helped me to the home delivery area. Thank goodness for a good deodorant.

Could they deliver Friday please? Not a chance: Sunday, Monday or Tuesday only. Is it me, or is that nowhere near 24 or 48 hours?

Wardrobe - part 1

I have been planning an Ikea wardrobe all week. I went online to check everything was in stock. It was. I checked they deliver to our area. They do. I spent an hour ordering it all on the internet. I pressed, "checkout". They don't deliver items ordered on the internet in our area.

I phoned to ask if I could buy stuff today (Tuesday) to be delivered Friday. Only 24-48 hours from ordering to delivery. Order it Wednesday or Thursday.

Ok.

Bored

Dear Chips

We are all bored of seeing pictures like this. Please think of something original to do while I am out. You are nearly 7 years old. That is 49 in human years.

Letting things go

Ok, I'm sorry, I've really let myself go!

I had been to visit the family, had a great birthday with lots of comedy presents that I wanted to tell you about, and we went for afternoon tea at Harvey Nich's (ooooh laaaaa). I have a lovely laminate floor in my bedroom and I'm going to get a real, grown up's wardrobe. I just haven't made it to the computer. And then I ran out of photo storage space so I couldn't put my pics up. Then the dog ate my homework. Then the cat was sick on in. No, wait, that can't be right.

Anyway, I'll try and do better.

Things that do not go together

Dog sick and decking.

Not at any time, but definitely not at 6.13am.